First Post: Please tell me im not alone

[BeAtPeace]

Does anyone else feel like they have no valid reason for wanting to end it all? Compared to most people, my life is pretty okay. I have loving family, a decent job, and have several hobbies. I've had a couple serious relationship and while I'm by no means attractive, I'm not repulsive either. The only "trauma" I've experienced is my parents divorce which was a very civil split.

So why don't I want to live anymore? I haven't for a long time, but I can't tell anyone. What would I even say? Everyone else seems to have an understandable reason for feeling this way. What's wrong with me? Can anyone else relate?

 

[Riu]

I am not really actively seeking suicide anymore, but I'm by no means happy to be alive. My situation is very close to how yours is, so I can relate. I think I really wanted to die because I felt like life had nothing to offer and I was really uninterested or motivated to do anything. I thought I was doing nothing meaningful and couldn't do anything so I thought it would be better to be gone than annoy people around me.

I don't know what makes you not want to live, and I don't know if you're willing to try to change that. It's undeniable you are more fortunate than most suicidal people, but I can understand.

What would you like to do? Would you consider trying to find some reason in living? Have you already decided you don't want to live anymore? Would you like to talk more about your life?

It seems to me that you would like to talk to someone about your feelings but you're worried that they will reject the idea you could be suffering? I felt to the same way, I thought that there was no reason for me to be suicidal and that I was just being weak. I felt like a weak nuisance who couldn't do anything which fed more into my suicidal feelings. I think there's nothing wrong with how you feel, it seems completely normal at least to me. Are you isolating yourself from your family? Are you lonely or lack friends you actually like?

 

[Shaylla1998]

I too have more to lose than gain (from society's perspective), as my parents love and care for me. Without any job, partner, or responsibilities, I have the freedom to do as I please every day.

Despite asking myself why I want to CTB, I always come to the same conclusion. Society's toxic ideologies, particularly the distorted view of "reality," fuel my will to CTB. This distorted view has nothing to do with actual reality.
I prefer not to associate with society. Though digitalization enables me to reduce social interaction, I am still confined in a world governed by people who espouse toxic ideologies that I loathe.

I have harbored these thoughts and dreams about CTB since childhood, and part of me has always yearned to pursue them. I find it impossible to coexist with society as it is.



Do not feel abnormal. Perhaps there is something you have yet to discover that will shift your perspective and redirect your desires. Alternatively, there may be a hidden yearning within you that longs to be fulfilled.

 

[saddestbunny]

i found it helpful to write down every time i felt like i wanted to die what the reason was

to me, i found the reasons worth it coming back and reading the big list later, made me feel like i wasnt crazy for feeling bad once i saw all my thoughts out there. for me, i then decided that it's worth it to want to ctb for those reasons, but maybe your experience will differ

i don't think anyone can tell you what's worth living for you except yourself

 

[BeAtPeace]

Thank you for responding and I'm sorry you feel similar. I have made numerous attempts to try and find some sort of peace, but have yet to find anything lasting. I recently moved to a new state hoping that I could find some meaning in the outdoors, but that seems to be a temporary fix. Now I'm back to feeling the same way as before.

Self talk for me is the worst. I berate myself with negative comments convinced they are true, even when logic might say otherwise. For instance, how can I say I'll never be loved when I have been in numerous long relationships.

I tell myself all the time today's the day. But I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. Just stuck hating myself most days with a few good days sprinkled in.

 

[Riu]

Thank you for responding and I'm sorry you feel similar. I have made numerous attempts to try and find some sort of peace, but have yet to find anything lasting. I recently moved to a new state hoping that I could find some meaning in the outdoors, but that seems to be a temporary fix. Now I'm back to feeling the same way as before.

Self talk for me is the worst. I berate myself with negative comments convinced they are true, even when logic might say otherwise. For instance, how can I say I'll never be loved when I have been in numerous long relationships.

I tell myself all the time today's the day. But I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. Just stuck hating myself most days with a few good days sprinkled in.

If you would like to know how I changed how I felt, I just surrounded myself with positivity for the most part. It kind of just slowly happened when I found some motivation.

Small things like exercising, making your bed, complimenting people, etc. helps me feel better about myself as a person and prove my negative thoughts wrong. I think you need to set a goal, and achieve small goals to help you get to the bigger goal.

I could honestly talk about all the things you could possibly do but different problems require different solutions. I feel that the only way anyone can get better is if they themselves do it, it's almost impossible for someone else to help you when they've never lived a day as you. You're the only person who knows 100% how it is to be you.

Would you like to talk with me more? I think it would benefit us both.

 

[MsRaindrop]

I resonate so much with this. I too have a decent job (one that I don't love but isn't dreadful and affords me an averagely comfortable lifestyle), loving parents nearby, some hobbies and a good living situation (no need to share my rental place). I was even in a loving relationship, which ended partly due to my depression and my suicidal thoughts. Let me know if you want to talk further about this, I could use the support.

 

[Sichi]

I think I can relate. Like you, my life is pretty okay and my family is okay as well. I have a decent job and average IQ. I have friends and even had serious romantic relationships. I can be a hermit but I can socialize just fine if necessary. I did have some trauma growing up but I think I'm quite over it and it doesn't give me nightmares or something. So I don't know why I'm so suicidal.

 

[BeAtPeace]

Yes my DM is always open if you want to continue talking. It would definitely help. Thank you all for the support

 

[SVEN]

You may find that this query would be better addressed in the Recovery section, rather than Suicide Discussion, as it seems as if you feel that wanting to CTB in your situation is unreasonable. For many of us it could be difficult to relate to someone wanting suggestions as to how to keep living.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

Does anyone else feel like they have no valid reason for wanting to end it all? Compared to most people, my life is pretty okay. I have loving family, a decent job, and have several hobbies. I've had a couple serious relationship and while I'm by no means attractive, I'm not repulsive either. The only "trauma" I've experienced is my parents divorce which was a very civil split.

So why don't I want to live anymore? I haven't for a long time, but I can't tell anyone. What would I even say? Everyone else seems to have an understandable reason for feeling this way. What's wrong with me? Can anyone else relate?

I go to a psychiatrist to try to fix my depression. I've had my ups and downs.

One thing he mentioned is that there is a new kind of people that are starting to see him. People that don't necessarily feel like they have problems, but that they just aren't happy in life. Maybe your situation is an extreme version of this.

Per his explanation, we have two needs, survival and happiness. If we don't survive, by lack of a job, food, or pain etc, we hurt. And that hurt pushes us towards survival, like getting a new job, eating and so on. But the lack of happiness just stands there. You need to kickstart somehow and advance towards happiness.

Personal addendum but, I just left that session broken as not even my survival instinct of getting a job in debt and being kicked out of my apartment soon kicks in. I'm just broken. A psychologist said the same thing to me, people on the spectrum don't have the same alarm bells that ring in an emergency.

Do you need new hobbies, aren't they exciting or fulfilling to you? Maybe a new perspective? I did shrooms recently and they really helped me appreciate the small things in life again.

Well, at least you found these forums. Welcome, feel free to vent here and seek support for either way you decide to take your life. There are a lot of kind people here going through similar situations with different levels of progress.

Best wishes and hugs to you