I don't know that anyone will care to read this but I just need to get it out. I was extremely unhappy and anxious as a child. My mom would tell me I was disgusting and that she was going to abandon me. My dad is very paranoid and would constantly tell me that the world economy would collapse and we would all die, or that the neighbors were watching us with binoculars and wanted to kill our dog, or that I would get drafted and die in war, etc. No one was ever there for me. No one cared about my emotions. There were times I was seriously ill and went to them for support and they told me I might die if I didn't go to the doctor, then never took me. As a child I felt like I was a disgusting unlovable person, and that the world was an evil scary place that I had to face alone.
I started smoking marijuana as a teen which I would steal from my mom. She never said anything about it and my dad would only bring it up to watch me squirm and laugh at my mom's pain. I had pretty unlimited access and would smoke 3-4 times a day. No one seemed to realize that I was doing this to cope with emotional pain and not just to be an asshole. I started taking kratom when I was 18 and got pretty hooked on it. I went to college but never moved out of my dad's house. I made zero friends, but things were ok at first. I was top of my class and I got a really cool chemistry internship that I was so proud of myself for getting. When I started in the lab everything went downhill. I started having panic attacks where I would be dripping sweat every time I went in. My goggles would fog up so that I couldn't see and everyone saw how pathetic and weird I was. It was humiliating and crushed the little self esteem that I had. After a few months I quit and gave up on my dream. I still haven't found a new dream 4 years later.
My anxiety got really bad after that and I started taking more and more kratom. I spend all of my time high now, slowly dwindling away any money I have saved. I had a good job, but I ruined it by being so awkward and annoying. I ended up feeling like everyone hated me so I quit. I didn't work for around 9 months, then got another job a few months ago. I kept getting high before I would go in and I did a terrible job and again felt like everyone hated me. I don't know why I did it, but one day I walked there and just never went in. I didn't call to say I quit, I just didn't show up. They ended up calling me a few days later and I sent a text saying I quit like the little bitch I am. I really hate myself for that. I am constantly paranoid I'll see one of them in public and that they will mock me. I haven't been looking for jobs, and just wallow now. I feel like such a weak pathetic person.
I don't really see my life going anywhere that great. The only thing I really want is to have biological kids and a loving family. I am gay so even that hope won't really happen, at least not the way I want it to. I feel like I am a broken person with no direction or purpose. I get high every day and depend on my dad for housing despite resenting him on a deep level. It makes me feel so fucking ashamed of myself and I know everyone judges me for it. I think everyone in my life has realized how pathetic and annoying I am, and now I feel like they have all turned on me. I literally have no one. Not a single person that I can lean on. All I've ever wanted is someone to love and support me and I don't think I'm going to ever get it. There are so many other ways I have fucked up my life but this is already too long. If someone actually does read this, thank you. I've never been able to talk about these things without getting laughed at or mocked, so it does feel kind of nice to let it out in a place where people won't attack me.
I started smoking marijuana as a teen which I would steal from my mom. She never said anything about it and my dad would only bring it up to watch me squirm and laugh at my mom's pain. I had pretty unlimited access and would smoke 3-4 times a day. No one seemed to realize that I was doing this to cope with emotional pain and not just to be an asshole. I started taking kratom when I was 18 and got pretty hooked on it. I went to college but never moved out of my dad's house. I made zero friends, but things were ok at first. I was top of my class and I got a really cool chemistry internship that I was so proud of myself for getting. When I started in the lab everything went downhill. I started having panic attacks where I would be dripping sweat every time I went in. My goggles would fog up so that I couldn't see and everyone saw how pathetic and weird I was. It was humiliating and crushed the little self esteem that I had. After a few months I quit and gave up on my dream. I still haven't found a new dream 4 years later.
My anxiety got really bad after that and I started taking more and more kratom. I spend all of my time high now, slowly dwindling away any money I have saved. I had a good job, but I ruined it by being so awkward and annoying. I ended up feeling like everyone hated me so I quit. I didn't work for around 9 months, then got another job a few months ago. I kept getting high before I would go in and I did a terrible job and again felt like everyone hated me. I don't know why I did it, but one day I walked there and just never went in. I didn't call to say I quit, I just didn't show up. They ended up calling me a few days later and I sent a text saying I quit like the little bitch I am. I really hate myself for that. I am constantly paranoid I'll see one of them in public and that they will mock me. I haven't been looking for jobs, and just wallow now. I feel like such a weak pathetic person.
I don't really see my life going anywhere that great. The only thing I really want is to have biological kids and a loving family. I am gay so even that hope won't really happen, at least not the way I want it to. I feel like I am a broken person with no direction or purpose. I get high every day and depend on my dad for housing despite resenting him on a deep level. It makes me feel so fucking ashamed of myself and I know everyone judges me for it. I think everyone in my life has realized how pathetic and annoying I am, and now I feel like they have all turned on me. I literally have no one. Not a single person that I can lean on. All I've ever wanted is someone to love and support me and I don't think I'm going to ever get it. There are so many other ways I have fucked up my life but this is already too long. If someone actually does read this, thank you. I've never been able to talk about these things without getting laughed at or mocked, so it does feel kind of nice to let it out in a place where people won't attack me.
