Venting first post - hoping to make some connections x (ft. my story)

[ghostofapoet]

as the post title says, this is my first post on here + i'm nervous for some reason haha.

i joined because i'm suffering from depression + anxiety / agoraphobia. i've been stuck in my room for four-five months this year, and around six-seven months last year. i sneak out at night, or after pressing my ear up against the wall to listen for footsteps - and after hearing nothing i step out to shower or get something to eat. i'm at college, btw, something that might not be true in a couple of days since i've basically failed to attend any of my classes this first semester + no one in my family know, they all think everything is going smoothly.

my family is hyper-religious, hypocritical but religious, and this + the religious environment i grew up in was the catalyst for my depression + anxiety. i'm gay, and nonbinary... something that was wrangled out of me last year in the middle of a sort of panic attack by my parents. they responded with the patented - 'oh, this isn't you. god doesn't make mistakes' and i never wanted to die more in my life.

uni was supposed to be my escape + for a while it was. i live/d on res and it was great. i had friends and we kept each other company and i met someone i loved deeply, he was in the closet... and a christian too.
soon i'd lost all my friends and then going to class alone was starting to become a scary thing, so scary i was petrified every time i neared the radius of the door. my boyfriend kept me company but the relationship somehow made things worse... he made me feel like a tumour, since he's christian he couldn't be seen with me in public (it's a small town) and it just became a lot.


we broke up, i hate him so much. but i still want him back and i can't tell if it's loneliness, a habit i'd formed, or truly love. he says he can't break the facade of a life he's built for my sake. he can't give up this image, for me. even though he claims he loves me through tears and snot. i'm burning with rage at the thought of him, but i want him to hold me.


i'm suicidal.
i want to die. i tried many times. partial hanging, an overdose, and even tried to get myself to jump off a mountain's cliff, but i was too afraid.
i'm so exhausted of living, truly. i think my fucking psychologist is exhausted of me too lol.
i woke up one day and decided to try and get my life together, i messaged my psychologist, and the person in charge of the section i live in + i felt like things could change - only for the latter to never respond to my msg and my psychologist to completely disregard my cry for help in my msg to her.
in my msg i told her that i'd tried to kill myself by od'ing on sleeping medication and tranquilizers my gp had given me for anxiety - i was knocked out for an entire day before coming to (and that was honestly the best day of my life - i felt... nothing and in reminiscence it was the most peaceful i'd ever been) - and she completely glossed over that and didn't attend to anything i asked of her.
it was then that i'd realized that, no matter what i did, no matter if i kept to myself or tried to reach out as everyone advises the depressed and mentally ill to do, i was doomed to be stuck in this cycle of pain.

i just want out.
i just want to return to that quiet, black, void. i don't know if i was asleep, unconscious, or dead for a day. but there was nothing and, somehow, it was everything i needed.

even if i were to get better, i'd return home to my family who doesn't accept me for who i am - and that would be worse than death. there is no happy ending for my story and honestly, i'm okay with that. sometimes sad endings are better than happy endings anyway.

i want to try + ctb soon. i don't have access to a lot and can't get my hands on the holy grail that is SN (sodium nitrate for anyone who was in the dark like me, frantically trying to figure out what 'SN' was lol) i think i want to try partial suspension again but i need help troubleshooting and would appreciate any company, conversation +/or tips.

thanks sm for reading this long rant

 

[Vizzy]

as the post title says, this is my first post on here + i'm nervous for some reason haha.

i joined because i'm suffering from depression + anxiety / agoraphobia. i've been stuck in my room for four-five months this year, and around six-seven months last year. i sneak out at night, or after pressing my ear up against the wall to listen for footsteps - and after hearing nothing i step out to shower or get something to eat. i'm at college, btw, something that might not be true in a couple of days since i've basically failed to attend any of my classes this first semester + no one in my family know, they all think everything is going smoothly.

my family is hyper-religious, hypocritical but religious, and this + the religious environment i grew up in was the catalyst for my depression + anxiety. i'm gay, and nonbinary... something that was wrangled out of me last year in the middle of a sort of panic attack by my parents. they responded with the patented - 'oh, this isn't you. god doesn't make mistakes' and i never wanted to die more in my life.

uni was supposed to be my escape + for a while it was. i live/d on res and it was great. i had friends and we kept each other company and i met someone i loved deeply, he was in the closet... and a christian too.
soon i'd lost all my friends and then going to class alone was starting to become a scary thing, so scary i was petrified every time i neared the radius of the door. my boyfriend kept me company but the relationship somehow made things worse... he made me feel like a tumour, since he's christian he couldn't be seen with me in public (it's a small town) and it just became a lot.


we broke up, i hate him so much. but i still want him back and i can't tell if it's loneliness, a habit i'd formed, or truly love. he says he can't break the facade of a life he's built for my sake. he can't give up this image, for me. even though he claims he loves me through tears and snot. i'm burning with rage at the thought of him, but i want him to hold me.


i'm suicidal.
i want to die. i tried many times. partial hanging, an overdose, and even tried to get myself to jump off a mountain's cliff, but i was too afraid.
i'm so exhausted of living, truly. i think my fucking psychologist is exhausted of me too lol.
i woke up one day and decided to try and get my life together, i messaged my psychologist, and the person in charge of the section i live in + i felt like things could change - only for the latter to never respond to my msg and my psychologist to completely disregard my cry for help in my msg to her.
in my msg i told her that i'd tried to kill myself by od'ing on sleeping medication and tranquilizers my gp had given me for anxiety - i was knocked out for an entire day before coming to (and that was honestly the best day of my life - i felt... nothing and in reminiscence it was the most peaceful i'd ever been) - and she completely glossed over that and didn't attend to anything i asked of her.
it was then that i'd realized that, no matter what i did, no matter if i kept to myself or tried to reach out as everyone advises the depressed and mentally ill to do, i was doomed to be stuck in this cycle of pain.

i just want out.
i just want to return to that quiet, black, void. i don't know if i was asleep, unconscious, or dead for a day. but there was nothing and, somehow, it was everything i needed.

even if i were to get better, i'd return home to my family who doesn't accept me for who i am - and that would be worse than death. there is no happy ending for my story and honestly, i'm okay with that. sometimes sad endings are better than happy endings anyway.

i want to try + ctb soon. i don't have access to a lot and can't get my hands on the holy grail that is SN (sodium nitrate for anyone who was in the dark like me, frantically trying to figure out what 'SN' was lol) i think i want to try partial suspension again but i need help troubleshooting and would appreciate any company, conversation +/or tips.

thanks sm for reading this long rant

sorry you are going through this, hope you get peace, I am bad in relationship so I can't give thoughts on that as I don't care whenever a girl leave me because I always find another one within a week or a month so I am not a emotional person who don't give a fuck when it comes to relationships

Holy grail is not sn that award goes to N, SN is not sodium nitrate it is sodium nitrite (why I am correcting this because I don't want you to buy wrong product and mostly sodium nitrate will not kill), I can help you with sn, nitrogen exit and give tips on other ctb if I don't know something I can connect you to people who know that or send you other threads which have those information!

 

[ghostofapoet]

sorry you are going through this, hope you get peace, I am bad in relationship so I can't give thoughts on that as I don't care whenever a girl leave me because I always find another one within a week or a month so I am not a emotional person who don't give a fuck when it comes to relationships

Holy grail is not sn that award goes to N, SN is not sodium nitrate it is sodium nitrite (why I am correcting this because I don't want you to buy wrong product and mostly sodium nitrate will not kill), I can help you with sn, nitrogen exit and give tips on other ctb if I don't know something I can connect you to people who know that or send you other threads which have those information!

thank you so much + no worries about the SN correction lol. i always somehow mix up the spelling of nitrate + nitrite haha. i always assumed that SN was the ultimate way to ctb because of all the threads i'd read with ppl talking abt it haha, guess i was wrong to believe the hype lol.

+ i honestly wish i could trade in my emotions toward relationships for a more apathetic feel - it'd save me a lot of energy lol.

i'd really appreciate your help in guiding me to more info be it in the form of ppl or threads!

 

[who doesn't matter]

Well, welcome to SS. I also happen to be in a very complicated relationship but that's not reason I wish to take the exit. My life is literally crap with nothing to look up to. But I hope you get some form of mental peace here.

 

[ghostofapoet]

Well, welcome to SS. I also happen to be in a very complicated relationship but that's not reason I wish to take the exit. My life is literally crap with nothing to look up to. But I hope you get some form of mental peace here.

thank you for the welcoming.
i'm sorry to hear about your troubled relationship + your life as well. though i can't understand 100%, i truly can empathize with you on that front.

 

[Vizzy]

thank you so much + no worries about the SN correction lol. i always somehow mix up the spelling of nitrate + nitrite haha. i always assumed that SN was the ultimate way to ctb because of all the threads i'd read with ppl talking abt it haha, guess i was wrong to believe the hype lol.

+ i honestly wish i could trade in my emotions toward relationships for a more apathetic feel - it'd save me a lot of energy lol.

i'd really appreciate your help in guiding me to more info be it in the form of ppl or threads!

Start from reading this book which can give you a idea, how different method works and give an overview about all the methods

PPeH_April_2022.pdf - AnonFiles

anonfiles.com

Sn is not the ultimate way to ctb, why many people talk about sn because it is somewhat easy to acquire, you can hide it from your family members, just drink and go to sleep which many people prefer, inexpensive, and death rate is high if you don't vomit much of it or no family member find you before sn finish its work

Most peaceful and best methods are N (which is hard to acquire, literally became a rare product), next one is nitrogen exit bag method which is more technical and you need your own place to hide everything

I can help you with information

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[Valky]

Welcome to SaSu!
Not good to see you here tho.
I am incredibly sorry that life has brought you to this point.

First of all, people need to stop using Christianity as a shield to hate. I am Christian myself and I know of so many 'opinions' based on the Bible that are in reality complete bs. They bend the bible according to their will. Sometimes I read statements of Christians and can't help but wonder how the fuck they even ended up with that conclusion.

God is all about love. Loving yourself and loving others. I am sorry that your parents fail to see that.

What about looking for another psychiatrist, maybe? Therapist? Other meds, if you even take some?

 

[FuneralCry]

The thought of eternal nothingness certainly sounds so ideal to me, it makes sense just wanting permanent relief from this cruel world, to me there is nothing more perfect than this existence being long forgotten about, I just find it so horrible how suicide isn't accepted as a valid option in this world and how it's so unnecessarily difficult. I hope you find what you are searching for, it's true that those who managed to get SN certainly were so fortunate.

 

[ghostofapoet]

Welcome to SaSu!
Not good to see you here tho.
I am incredibly sorry that life has brought you to this point.

First of all, people need to stop using Christianity as a shield to hate. I am Christian myself and I know of so many 'opinions' based on the Bible that are in reality complete bs. They bend the bible according to their will. Sometimes I read statements of Christians and can't help but wonder how the fuck they even ended up with that conclusion.

God is all about love. Loving yourself and loving others. I am sorry that your parents fail to see that.

What about looking for another psychiatrist, maybe? Therapist? Other meds, if you even take some?

thank you for the welcoming!
not good to see you here too haha.
but genuinely though, thank you for the sentiment - it really does feel comforting to hear that.

and thank you for being a part of the believers whom aren't bible-bashers. it's honestly really refreshing. cause, as you've mentioned, i've seen my fair share of scripture being bent to fit people's own bigoted belief systems. it's honestly a generational thing. you don't just grow to become filled with hate, but once hatred has become enmeshed within you, it's difficult - near impossible - to uproot it. and it causes havoc for those around you.

i'm supposed to meet up with another psychiatrist next week on the recommendation of my psychologist (if things don't fall through). the meds i have haven't been working at all - honestly all i experience from them are the shitty side-effects. i'm just trying not to get too hopeful because so far everything seems to be unraveling toward an ending that i don't like at all. my brain just keeps saying that, even if i get better, my environment and physical circumstances will all remain the same and it'll just drive me into a new depression. it doesn't really matter if i get healthier and my surroundings are conducive to breeding mental illnesses, you know? i don't want to be this pessimistic though haha

The thought of eternal nothingness certainly sounds so ideal to me, it makes sense just wanting permanent relief from this cruel world, to me there is nothing more perfect than this existence being long forgotten about, I just find it so horrible how suicide isn't accepted as a valid option in this world and how it's so unnecessarily difficult. I hope you find what you are searching for, it's true that those who managed to get SN certainly were so fortunate

i'm sorry the road you've travelled that has led you to a point of being this beat down.

honestly, one thing my journey with depression + suicidal thoughts has taught me is that it's really fucking difficult to die haha. i don't know why i assumed that it'd be something easily attainable, like switching off a light, maybe it was wishful thinking but i think the struggle to achieve that peaceful state just proves how precious it is, you know? people love hailing living as such a gift, but honestly, sometimes it feels like a curse. i don't mean to go off on a tangent.

thank you for your message, i hope you find what you're looking for as well x.

 

[Valky]

thank you for the welcoming!
not good to see you here too haha.
but genuinely though, thank you for the sentiment - it really does feel comforting to hear that.

<3

and thank you for being a part of the believers whom aren't bible-bashers. it's honestly really refreshing. cause, as you've mentioned, i've seen my fair share of scripture being bent to fit people's own bigoted belief systems. it's honestly a generational thing. you don't just grow to become filled with hate, but once hatred has become enmeshed within you, it's difficult - near impossible - to uproot it. and it causes havoc for those around you.

Ohh yes, I totally agree with that!! Luckily my parents never forced their beliefs on me, I really wish more people would be like that :)

i'm supposed to meet up with another psychiatrist next week on the recommendation of my psychologist (if things don't fall through). the meds i have haven't been working at all - honestly all i experience from them are the shitty side-effects. i'm just trying not to get too hopeful because so far everything seems to be unraveling toward an ending that i don't like at all. my brain just keeps saying that, even if i get better, my environment and physical circumstances will all remain the same and it'll just drive me into a new depression. it doesn't really matter if i get healthier and my surroundings are conducive to breeding mental illnesses, you know? i don't want to be this pessimistic though haha

That is great news!! I hope everything goes well and maybe you can find something fitting for yourself! I felt the same way you did. Some meds making it even worse. I can't lie, it is not an easy road, there are so many ups and downs but it is absolutely not impossible :)

That being said, it is of course also absolute valid that you are tired of living. So please just know that you are not alone and we will support you, whatever road you wish to take <3