Hello, everybody,
I have been a lurker on S.S. for a while now and recently joined to vent and connect with other like-minded people. Here is my story. I grew up in a very strict household that held strong academic expectations. This resulted in my drive to achieve perfection in my work. At such a young age, I did not realize the imbalance that created between my academic and social life, so I also grew up with social and general anxiety. I began feeling depressed before I hit my teenage years because I went through a period of isolation with my peers at school. This progressed into more years of change when I experienced bullying and additional pressure from my parents to become their "prized child." I eventually moved schools because of my peers and created a better social foundation I could produce friends from. However, I was still riddled with bouts of depression that would randomly appear with hints of suicidiality starting to appear. During the time of my transfer, I experienced my "first love" and became obsessed with my ex. I don't think there was ever a time where there was a genuine connection present; it was mainly based on the idea of loving someone because I never experienced it before. This relationship lasted into later years of my life. When that ended, I spiraled out of control and became more prone to suicide. I was also put on medication and finally officially diagnosed with MDD and anxiety. In addition to that happening, the pressure from my parents was getting worse because of school. I became so desperate and frustrated because of this pressure I decided to attempt at killing myself in the school bathroom with a belt and extra weight from my backpack. Before I enacted it though, I did thorough research on the Internet to ensure I was successful. I almost was… until the belt snapped. I woke up about 10 minutes later from passing out, gathered my things from the ground, and proceeded to attend class like nothing happened. I didn't know my attempt had left marks on my neck until my classmate told me. Later, I stupidly told a friend that I had marks on my neck from an earlier attempt and proceeded to send pictures. They told my parents and I was off to the mental hospital, where I spent a week there and went through a month of intensive care. Even after I got out, I still attempted suicide, hoping that I would just be gone already. It wasn't until that next year that I met a recent ex, who changed my life. With them, I experienced a genuine relationship. I felt like I was truly happy for once; with the world, with everything, with myself. That doesn't mean I wasn't depressed and suicidal, however. When we ended, I became my usual depressed and secluded self again. It was nice knowing that there are some people who will prolong your lifespan, even for a little bit. We have agreed to talk because of the impact our relationship had on the both of us, but I have not responded in a week. I am afraid of seeing their text, which might trigger me to commit suicide. Everyday, I wonder when if I'm going to take my life soon or live a little longer for some hope that may or may not come. Everyday, I move towards making an attempt by searching up methods while subsequently trying to improve my life. I feel like I am living on the edge everyday, and I am tired of living in general. My medication and depression are slowly eating away at my memory and health. Even with all the distractions I try on myself, the suicidal thoughts come back, strong as ever. I might even do another partial or try to order SN. I just know one thing: I want to die by my own hand. Thank you for reading.
I have been a lurker on S.S. for a while now and recently joined to vent and connect with other like-minded people. Here is my story. I grew up in a very strict household that held strong academic expectations. This resulted in my drive to achieve perfection in my work. At such a young age, I did not realize the imbalance that created between my academic and social life, so I also grew up with social and general anxiety. I began feeling depressed before I hit my teenage years because I went through a period of isolation with my peers at school. This progressed into more years of change when I experienced bullying and additional pressure from my parents to become their "prized child." I eventually moved schools because of my peers and created a better social foundation I could produce friends from. However, I was still riddled with bouts of depression that would randomly appear with hints of suicidiality starting to appear. During the time of my transfer, I experienced my "first love" and became obsessed with my ex. I don't think there was ever a time where there was a genuine connection present; it was mainly based on the idea of loving someone because I never experienced it before. This relationship lasted into later years of my life. When that ended, I spiraled out of control and became more prone to suicide. I was also put on medication and finally officially diagnosed with MDD and anxiety. In addition to that happening, the pressure from my parents was getting worse because of school. I became so desperate and frustrated because of this pressure I decided to attempt at killing myself in the school bathroom with a belt and extra weight from my backpack. Before I enacted it though, I did thorough research on the Internet to ensure I was successful. I almost was… until the belt snapped. I woke up about 10 minutes later from passing out, gathered my things from the ground, and proceeded to attend class like nothing happened. I didn't know my attempt had left marks on my neck until my classmate told me. Later, I stupidly told a friend that I had marks on my neck from an earlier attempt and proceeded to send pictures. They told my parents and I was off to the mental hospital, where I spent a week there and went through a month of intensive care. Even after I got out, I still attempted suicide, hoping that I would just be gone already. It wasn't until that next year that I met a recent ex, who changed my life. With them, I experienced a genuine relationship. I felt like I was truly happy for once; with the world, with everything, with myself. That doesn't mean I wasn't depressed and suicidal, however. When we ended, I became my usual depressed and secluded self again. It was nice knowing that there are some people who will prolong your lifespan, even for a little bit. We have agreed to talk because of the impact our relationship had on the both of us, but I have not responded in a week. I am afraid of seeing their text, which might trigger me to commit suicide. Everyday, I wonder when if I'm going to take my life soon or live a little longer for some hope that may or may not come. Everyday, I move towards making an attempt by searching up methods while subsequently trying to improve my life. I feel like I am living on the edge everyday, and I am tired of living in general. My medication and depression are slowly eating away at my memory and health. Even with all the distractions I try on myself, the suicidal thoughts come back, strong as ever. I might even do another partial or try to order SN. I just know one thing: I want to die by my own hand. Thank you for reading.
