Story First (actually second) thread. Presentation.

[Pokaini]

Hello, I'm Pokaini. Please excuse my inability speaking english, it is my third language.

I suppose I have to explain my life since the begginings first as an attempt to gain sympathy (I'm autistic and it may causes a "cold" vision of the social dinamics, I beg your pardon).

I don't remember so much about my life as a kid, my mother says it was tortuous, I was bullied, rejected, spitted by my classmates (metaphorically and literally). She says I was peaceful, and that I didn't understand their hostility, i. e., it wasn't my fault. But with the time passing I rooted in my insides the contrary belief.

I began to "study" the people, their relations between, their actitudes, and the reason I was constantly rejected.

I conclude I have something "akward" in my eye-movements, my walking or something like that that causes to unconsciously dislike me. That doesn't mean I couldn't "cheat" the people. But I get disappointed thinking about it. The people only likes me when I'm not myself.

My depression, always present, worsened with the time, plus and anxiety disorder and schizo-type symptoms. I attempted at 17's, but somehow I survived. Now, at my 20's I firmly belief that surviving was the worst that happened to me. Anyone else thinks they should have died a while ago?

Now I study a career, and I learned various lenguages, also I write articles in a newspaper, but I think something is very wrong with me living, althought my family and many friends find me "powerful" for waking up every day.

I feel if someone points me with a gun I calmly let them shoot me. That would even be benevolent. I usually fantasize with my suicide, it makes me pleasant.

I hope you felt addressed by any instance of my rambling. I salute you.

 

[boyafraid]

I'm so sorry you went through all that a young age. Bullying has such a negative effect on victims, even into adulthood. I relate to what you said people only liking you when you are not yourself. Pretty sure, I have autism or fall in neurodivergent spectrum. Always bullied for being myself or called weird. That's why around most people I mask my true self. Naturally, I'm a very goofy and playful person but I hide that around people I'm not comfortable with.

Just two months ago, I attempted suicide but failed. Some people get some new motivation to live after attempting suicide but I felt numb. I didn't feel motivated to live I just started researching new methods to do it. Everything has felt like some weird dream since then.

I also relate to what you said about dying years ago. All of my mental health issues started when I was 14, and I promised myself I wouldn't turn 18 but I turned 20 recently ):
I attempted two months ago but really, I died 6 years ago.

Your English is amazing by the way. English is my second language too (:

Your profile picture is so cool. I love Omori so much. The game accurately depicts depression and isolation.

 

[BillyBob]

I began to "study" the people, their relations between, their actitudes, and the reason I was constantly rejected.

This part stands out so much. I think many autistic people do this part to try and just understand how people interact with each other.
It is something I done to a great extent, as well as try to listen to others to find the tones that people talk to each other with.
For me I speak somewhat in a monotone or flat I guess so I have learnt to try and mimic the tones that most people use.
Although one issue is facial expressions. That is very hard to understand and get correct at all.