like-spoiledmilk
Member
- Jul 10, 2023
- 50
TW: Sorta trauma dumping, sorry .-.
When I was a kid, I genuinely think my parents saw us as self-sustaining pets instead of people. If we could walk and talk, we were "grown". Unfortunately, it left a vacuum for any slightly-intelligent scumbag to swoop in and take advantage.
I don't even think I was unhappy entirely back then. I just knew I had to keep my siblings safe, and I knew school was the only way I wasn't going to stay poor in a dead-end town. I'm really proud to say I got out, went to college on a full-ride, and got a degree in nursing. A week before graduation I remember some guy asking me what came next, and I didn't know. I didn't want anything - I just wanted not to be poor, for my brother and sister to be fine, and to finally be someplace safe. Once I had it, I realized then that I didn't truly want anything else.
I'm 25 now. I've been bouncing around different jobs for a while and avoiding everyone. I only go to work and sleep. I struggle eating and I've gone from 180 to 122 lbs this year, I'm about to have to move back home. Overall I just can't find anything that matters. I tried getting a therapist and she's reading off of a fucking cheklist I already have memorized.
What makes me most upset is that I have asked for help. Everyone just keeps telling me I gave up, that I need to be strong *or* brave *or* work on my self confidence *or* just be happy I'm young, and it pisses me off. If there is anything I can give myself respect for, it's that I have been brave in getting as far as I did. I believe sometimes it's the actual brave thing to honor yourself and accept whatever brings the most peace. Dying is an opportunity to give myself some dignity in accepting the end. I shouldn't have made it this far, and I did. My brother and sister are strong and well. I loved people, I made friends and fought and cried and lived. I'm just tired and content leaving things here.
I've been on this site for a while, the past year lurking especially. It's been a big comfort when life feels oppressive, so I really want to thank you guys for allowing me a safe-space to feel like this! It's nice to not hear platitudes and catchphrases for once, I think.
So thank you all! I really appreciate it :)
When I was a kid, I genuinely think my parents saw us as self-sustaining pets instead of people. If we could walk and talk, we were "grown". Unfortunately, it left a vacuum for any slightly-intelligent scumbag to swoop in and take advantage.
I don't even think I was unhappy entirely back then. I just knew I had to keep my siblings safe, and I knew school was the only way I wasn't going to stay poor in a dead-end town. I'm really proud to say I got out, went to college on a full-ride, and got a degree in nursing. A week before graduation I remember some guy asking me what came next, and I didn't know. I didn't want anything - I just wanted not to be poor, for my brother and sister to be fine, and to finally be someplace safe. Once I had it, I realized then that I didn't truly want anything else.
I'm 25 now. I've been bouncing around different jobs for a while and avoiding everyone. I only go to work and sleep. I struggle eating and I've gone from 180 to 122 lbs this year, I'm about to have to move back home. Overall I just can't find anything that matters. I tried getting a therapist and she's reading off of a fucking cheklist I already have memorized.
What makes me most upset is that I have asked for help. Everyone just keeps telling me I gave up, that I need to be strong *or* brave *or* work on my self confidence *or* just be happy I'm young, and it pisses me off. If there is anything I can give myself respect for, it's that I have been brave in getting as far as I did. I believe sometimes it's the actual brave thing to honor yourself and accept whatever brings the most peace. Dying is an opportunity to give myself some dignity in accepting the end. I shouldn't have made it this far, and I did. My brother and sister are strong and well. I loved people, I made friends and fought and cried and lived. I'm just tired and content leaving things here.
I've been on this site for a while, the past year lurking especially. It's been a big comfort when life feels oppressive, so I really want to thank you guys for allowing me a safe-space to feel like this! It's nice to not hear platitudes and catchphrases for once, I think.
So thank you all! I really appreciate it :)
