february in alaska
wandering aimlessly
- Sep 13, 2023
- 465
Like part of me knows I should keep going as usual and not raise anybody's suspicions for the time I have left, but it's so easy to just stop giving a shit. In a lot of ways, my anxiety has practically vanished. No need to worry about the future, no need to worry about making meaningful connections or maintaining any relationships. No need to stress about assignments or work or school or personal finances or a career. No need to think about any of it.
Hell, most of my worries are about not hurting my family when I go, but now and again it hits me that even that won't matter. I won't be around to have to deal with any of it, as selfish and shitty as that sounds.
In a lot of ways it's relieving and freeing. I feel braver to say things I wouldn't usually say. I feel more at ease doing shit I want to do, even if that shit is just lying around wasting time and doing nothing. And it's self fulfilling, because wasting away my life just makes me need to go through with CTB when the time comes, since I really will have fucked everything up by then. But at the same time, it kind of gives me a glimpse as to how things could've been. If I wasn't constantly worried about school and money and work and never having free time to enjoy my hobbies and if our society was different I really could've been happy living.
It's so fucking sad to realize that I would be happy to live, I just don't want to live in this world as it is now. And if I end up enjoying my life during the last few months, it's only because I know they're going to be the last.
Humans are so fucking stupid. I hate our species. There was so much potential, and somehow in all our years of technological advancement we're still all miserable mindless cogs in a soulless machine. We're all replaceable workers who don't have the time or money to enjoy our lives. Life as a concept has so much to offer and yet most of us will never get to experience any of it. And okay sorry I don't know if any of this is making coherent sense but like god damn life is just disappointing lol
Hell, most of my worries are about not hurting my family when I go, but now and again it hits me that even that won't matter. I won't be around to have to deal with any of it, as selfish and shitty as that sounds.
In a lot of ways it's relieving and freeing. I feel braver to say things I wouldn't usually say. I feel more at ease doing shit I want to do, even if that shit is just lying around wasting time and doing nothing. And it's self fulfilling, because wasting away my life just makes me need to go through with CTB when the time comes, since I really will have fucked everything up by then. But at the same time, it kind of gives me a glimpse as to how things could've been. If I wasn't constantly worried about school and money and work and never having free time to enjoy my hobbies and if our society was different I really could've been happy living.
It's so fucking sad to realize that I would be happy to live, I just don't want to live in this world as it is now. And if I end up enjoying my life during the last few months, it's only because I know they're going to be the last.
Humans are so fucking stupid. I hate our species. There was so much potential, and somehow in all our years of technological advancement we're still all miserable mindless cogs in a soulless machine. We're all replaceable workers who don't have the time or money to enjoy our lives. Life as a concept has so much to offer and yet most of us will never get to experience any of it. And okay sorry I don't know if any of this is making coherent sense but like god damn life is just disappointing lol
