TotallyNotWielkiM
Member
- Dec 19, 2023
- 17
Hello
I created an account here mostly out of curiosity, but seeing such a friendly and supportive community I decided to create a thread with my own demons.
I've got a question for you: how do you find any happiness in life? Let me explain what do I mean by sharing a bit of my life:
I feel like I was abused most of my life by my family and almost all of the people I knew. My parents got divorced before I was even old enough to remember things and growing up, I lived with my mother and my great grandma.
My mother, while some of her intentions maybe were well-intended, was often hitting me at a first sign of disobeying her or getting a bad grade in school. She only stopped hurting me physically when I got a, uh, private part emergency, and didn't tell her until it was too late to get any decent help, because I was too worried she'll start hitting me again. This led to me getting a circumcision and not really being able to feel any pleasure of sex during my adulthood. After that incident, she just moved onto physiological abuse, such as lying, gaslighting me, not giving me any privacy (Imagine being scared to change my clothes, because she might come into my room any fucking moment she wishes), and my penalties for anything were even more abuse. From the top of my head I remember the one time I was forced to sleep on the ground because I didn't deserve my bed.
My grandma and grandpa were just like a strangers to me, someone who I would see on a common basis, but not share anything personal, or in common with. My grandma was always treating me like a kid, even today, talking to me like a fucking toddler, while my grandpa never seemed interested in anything that has to do with me, would rather joke about me behind my back or insult me.
The only person keeping me sane in this whole was my great grandma, who always made me feel like I was truly loved unconditionally and was closer to me than my own mother.
I also have an aunt, which I didn't know my whole life because she wasn't talking with the family over some old drama. She's my mother's friend again since some year ago, but... She's like a complete stranger to me who I'm forced to treat as family. I feel so neutral towards her that I don't even know if I care about her or not.
Adding to that, I was heavily bullied my whole school life. Growing up in a city with a lot of poor and troubled families, I just always seemed like an easy target for all the bullies around here. I never really had any good friends, except one which I don't talk that much nowadays since we live in different cities now. And the other "friends" I had always turned out to be souless fuckers who would betray me one way or another.
All of that culminated with me not being able to trust anyone in my life, truly open up to anyone, or even make new friends nowadays. I just live like that one small ant in the background compared to anyone else's lives.
Living like that made me suffer from depression 2 times already while being in school. Now, being a fully grown adult of 26, I probably suffer from a 3rd one since 3 years now, which I never got diagnosed.
I become very easily stressed and developed a coping mechanism of eating food since I was young. Combine that with a fact I wasn't really going out and didn't like sport, I'm obese my whole life. My 3rd depression started half a year after deciding to finally start working out. Half a fucking year of eating healthier, counting calories and doing cardio. I was giving it my all, but it all just broke when after all that time everyone around me was telling me you can see the different with a naked eye, but I just couldn't see anything in the mirror, except the body and face I absolutely despise. I lost almost 30 kgs for nothing in return.
What really broke me though was, I think, when I went back to my mother's house for Christmas holidays that year, with whom I tried to keep a relation despite everything. All I saw was that since I wasn't really around anymore, she started abusing our dog. I returned home with tears that day, never really seeing or talking with her again since then. I was keeping a contact with my grandma until this year, I just cut her off since the family was trying to make me look like the bad guy here, who hates his mother for nothing, because no one fucking sees anything wrong with abusing your own dog.
And before you ask, no, I don't want to get any psychiatric help. The idea of even opening up to a random person face to face is just too scary to me and the pills I was getting prescribed always made me fell dull. It might also sound mysoginistic, which I don't want to do, but I wouldn't want to open up to a female psychiatrist thanks to my earlier, unpleasant experiences, which are mainly operating in my city. I don't even think I was really cured those 2 times before, just declared "healthy".
So now, here I am. Living alone, without really anyone to talk to, in a city which only people I know are people who I work with, who have their own friends already or don't even share common interests with. While I don't think I want to CTB yet, I'm having a really hard time finding any reason to keep living, or even finding any happiness in mundane things. I work as a programmer and earn good money, so I just like to spend money on things I like and keep me somewhat sane. It's not like I have to refuse myself anything I want, but finding any joy in my old hobbies is just harder and harder to do with every coming day. I don't even think I'm capable of really feeling any concrete emotion nowadays except hate towards something, and are always just putting on a mask whenever I'm with another human. All I'm really thinking is how I hate myself/life/society/my country/everything around me and whether or not I should just finally end it.
How does any of you find any form of happiness in your life? Would anyone have any suggestions to share? I know I rambled a lot here, but seeing as I really have no one to talk to about stuff like this, venting like this anonymously feels strangely okay.
It's almost 4am here and I've spend around an hour typing this. I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.
I created an account here mostly out of curiosity, but seeing such a friendly and supportive community I decided to create a thread with my own demons.
I've got a question for you: how do you find any happiness in life? Let me explain what do I mean by sharing a bit of my life:
I feel like I was abused most of my life by my family and almost all of the people I knew. My parents got divorced before I was even old enough to remember things and growing up, I lived with my mother and my great grandma.
My mother, while some of her intentions maybe were well-intended, was often hitting me at a first sign of disobeying her or getting a bad grade in school. She only stopped hurting me physically when I got a, uh, private part emergency, and didn't tell her until it was too late to get any decent help, because I was too worried she'll start hitting me again. This led to me getting a circumcision and not really being able to feel any pleasure of sex during my adulthood. After that incident, she just moved onto physiological abuse, such as lying, gaslighting me, not giving me any privacy (Imagine being scared to change my clothes, because she might come into my room any fucking moment she wishes), and my penalties for anything were even more abuse. From the top of my head I remember the one time I was forced to sleep on the ground because I didn't deserve my bed.
My grandma and grandpa were just like a strangers to me, someone who I would see on a common basis, but not share anything personal, or in common with. My grandma was always treating me like a kid, even today, talking to me like a fucking toddler, while my grandpa never seemed interested in anything that has to do with me, would rather joke about me behind my back or insult me.
The only person keeping me sane in this whole was my great grandma, who always made me feel like I was truly loved unconditionally and was closer to me than my own mother.
I also have an aunt, which I didn't know my whole life because she wasn't talking with the family over some old drama. She's my mother's friend again since some year ago, but... She's like a complete stranger to me who I'm forced to treat as family. I feel so neutral towards her that I don't even know if I care about her or not.
Adding to that, I was heavily bullied my whole school life. Growing up in a city with a lot of poor and troubled families, I just always seemed like an easy target for all the bullies around here. I never really had any good friends, except one which I don't talk that much nowadays since we live in different cities now. And the other "friends" I had always turned out to be souless fuckers who would betray me one way or another.
All of that culminated with me not being able to trust anyone in my life, truly open up to anyone, or even make new friends nowadays. I just live like that one small ant in the background compared to anyone else's lives.
Living like that made me suffer from depression 2 times already while being in school. Now, being a fully grown adult of 26, I probably suffer from a 3rd one since 3 years now, which I never got diagnosed.
I become very easily stressed and developed a coping mechanism of eating food since I was young. Combine that with a fact I wasn't really going out and didn't like sport, I'm obese my whole life. My 3rd depression started half a year after deciding to finally start working out. Half a fucking year of eating healthier, counting calories and doing cardio. I was giving it my all, but it all just broke when after all that time everyone around me was telling me you can see the different with a naked eye, but I just couldn't see anything in the mirror, except the body and face I absolutely despise. I lost almost 30 kgs for nothing in return.
What really broke me though was, I think, when I went back to my mother's house for Christmas holidays that year, with whom I tried to keep a relation despite everything. All I saw was that since I wasn't really around anymore, she started abusing our dog. I returned home with tears that day, never really seeing or talking with her again since then. I was keeping a contact with my grandma until this year, I just cut her off since the family was trying to make me look like the bad guy here, who hates his mother for nothing, because no one fucking sees anything wrong with abusing your own dog.
And before you ask, no, I don't want to get any psychiatric help. The idea of even opening up to a random person face to face is just too scary to me and the pills I was getting prescribed always made me fell dull. It might also sound mysoginistic, which I don't want to do, but I wouldn't want to open up to a female psychiatrist thanks to my earlier, unpleasant experiences, which are mainly operating in my city. I don't even think I was really cured those 2 times before, just declared "healthy".
So now, here I am. Living alone, without really anyone to talk to, in a city which only people I know are people who I work with, who have their own friends already or don't even share common interests with. While I don't think I want to CTB yet, I'm having a really hard time finding any reason to keep living, or even finding any happiness in mundane things. I work as a programmer and earn good money, so I just like to spend money on things I like and keep me somewhat sane. It's not like I have to refuse myself anything I want, but finding any joy in my old hobbies is just harder and harder to do with every coming day. I don't even think I'm capable of really feeling any concrete emotion nowadays except hate towards something, and are always just putting on a mask whenever I'm with another human. All I'm really thinking is how I hate myself/life/society/my country/everything around me and whether or not I should just finally end it.
How does any of you find any form of happiness in your life? Would anyone have any suggestions to share? I know I rambled a lot here, but seeing as I really have no one to talk to about stuff like this, venting like this anonymously feels strangely okay.
It's almost 4am here and I've spend around an hour typing this. I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.
