Finding Closure

[F#minor]

A very dear friend and housemate CaughtTB August first. Three of his friends and I discovered his body.

The descriptive power of words fails to express how this has destroyed me. I couldn't eat for the first several days. I would try to bring food to my mouth and I would feel like throwing up. Several days went by, I was finally able to eat something, but I threw it up. I'm able to keep food down now, but I still feel like I'm going to throw up. When I turn into this neighborhood I feel that I'm going to throw up. My stomach is an acid bath.

I'm just so sorry he was suffering like this, and that I couldn't bring him any relief from it. I hate myself and can never forgive myself for not being able to do better for him.

I know that he was a member of this site, but I don't know what his profile name was. My brain is performing mental gymnastics to find closure to this, but nothing comes.

Has anyone here been through this? How can I better love someone that it penetrates their sadness? I'm at a total loss and feel like catching the midnight train myself if I am that useless to someone I love. Whatever perspective you might feel like offering, including criticism of this post or the way I'm thinking about this, is welcome. Show me how I can be better.

 

[foxdie]

I'm so sorry for your loss. From the sounds of your post you cared for your friend a lot. You did what you could but some people's sadness can't be penetrated. I wish he had considered how he'd be discovered for you and your friends' sake but suicide can be a desperate act. No rhyme or reason in the moment. I don't know you or your friends but I'd have to think he'd want you to forgive yourself.

 

[F#minor]

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unexpected (and even expected) loss is hard to process and recover from. In March my fil ctb. We didn't find him for 2 weeks due to the stay at home orders from the virus. I've seen quite a bit in my lifetime, but this was different. In the moment I held up well. Professional. But later was like a haze. Time seemed to move both slowly and fast. It's hard to describe. He didn't deserve the way he was found. We tried to help him before he did it, but unfortunately the resources available are unacceptable and fail.

Please know that nothing you could have done would have changed anything. It might have delayed it, but it's not your fault. No amount of love or support can stop someone once their mind is made up.

Please focus on yourself and your own healing. It's not easy. It's not easy in any sense of the word. And while I'm on this site for the same reasons as most, it doesn't negate the fact that loss hurts. Keep his memory alive. Share stories. But also know he's no longer plagued by what ailed him. Unfortunately, you'll more than likely never know every answer you want to know, and we can't control time. The only thing you can do is move forward and try to work on what you've seen and heal. Much easier said than done.

I wish you peace and healing ♡ if you need to talk, my inbox is open.

 

[less than]

Sorry for your loss. Losing a friend or family member to suicide is always painful. It is right to grieve, but you shouldn't blame yourself for your friend's decision. I am sure that you can give all of your love and it is noble that you are willing to help other people who are close to you. But in some cases all love of the world doesn't help.

I wish that you can make peace with the loss of your friend. Be kind to yourself and take all time it needs for griefing.

 

[F#minor]

Thank you so much for your kind words

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm sorry for your grieving.

How do you know he was a member of this site?

 

[F#minor]

I'm sorry for your grieving.

How do you know he was a member of this site?

I saw this site open on his computer when I found the suicide notes. In the moment I was so panicked I didn't stop to really investigate. Later I couldn't bring myself to go in his room. Just looking at the door to his room I break down sobbing. At some point others who knew him came and cleared out his room, so I don't know the profile name.

I saw this site open on his computer when I found the suicide notes. In the moment I was so panicked I didn't stop to really investigate. Later I couldn't bring myself to go in his room. Just looking at the door to his room I break down sobbing. At some point others who knew him came and cleared out his room, so I don't know the profile name.

It may have been Woodnote, but I'm not sure.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I lost someone in my teens who suicided and did not leave a note, so I can understand much of how you're feeling emotionally and physically.

Another member shared this quote on the site a while back, and I find it very comforting. I hope it can bring you some comfort.


"We think: if only I had just… and … if only I hadn't… and I should have seen it coming. My darling, she left because she felt she needed to leave. Please allow her that agency, and take comfort in knowing you were a beloved member of her tribe while she was alive."

- Kate Bornstein, Hello Cruel World, a tribute to the author's friend who committed suicide

 

[F#minor]

You are right. It was totally his right to do this. It was his life and his body. I can't help but think that he felt this way largely because so many people failed him in his life. It just kills me that he was in so much pain, and that there is nothing more I can do to give him another happy moment. I failed him too. I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore. I have to keep telling myself this isn't my fault until my stupid brain believes it. I wish I could have at least been there with him and held his hand, so he didn't have to be alone as the lights went out. I'm grateful that I got to know such an awesome person at all.
Thank you all for your kind words. I don't feel I deserve them. You are kind nonetheless.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

there's nothing you could have done. it's not your fault; sometimes suffering can never be alleviated.

 

[F#minor]

there's nothing you could have done. it's not your fault; sometimes suffering can never be alleviated.

Thank you. I'm so sorry for anyone suffering like this. No one should ever have to feel this way. I know that so many people on this site feel like this. My heart breaks with yours.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

To answer one question, there is no great way to 'penetrate sadness' by loving someone. You can only offer your support, but the reality for many of us is that we lack the strength to reach out and accept it. The act of actually using someone's help can take a lot of energy alone; no matter how much you try to be there, if that person cannot push themselves it will be hard for them to recover. I'm sorry for your loss, and if nothing else I hope this reassures you that you likely did nothing wrong.

 

[F#minor]

To answer one question, there is no great way to 'penetrate sadness' by loving someone. You can only offer your support, but the reality for many of us is that we lack the strength to reach out and accept it. The act of actually using someone's help can take a lot of energy alone; no matter how much you try to be there, if that person cannot push themselves it will be hard for them to recover. I'm sorry for your loss, and if nothing else I hope this reassures you that you likely did nothing wrong.

Thank you for this message. What you say about using someone's help sometimes taking a lot of energy rings true for me. There have been times others wanted to help, and I didn't have what it took to receive it or use it. I feel empathy for this.

I think my mind is fighting to not accept the reality, so it's looking for something to do, but there is quite clearly nothing left to do. I assume at some point my pathetic brain will realize that.

In the evenings somehow I convince myself that it was just a bad dream. Then I wake up in the morning, and the finality of it hits me like a freight train.

The cruelty of time marching forward without him. I think about his last, lonely, wretched moments, and it is crushing to think that the rest of the world was mindlessly about its business. The water in rivers and streams daring to keep flowing, birds daring to keep singing, plants daring to keep growing, me daring to keep sleeping blissfully unaware, while he was in ultimate suffering. It is so cruel.

No wonder so many decide to check out. Life itself can be so heartless. In some ways, I envy him, in being free from it all.

You all are so very kind. There is a cognitive dissonance, because I really don't feel I deserve it, but I am so grateful for a beautiful community like you who care. It is comforting to know that all the other suffering souls here have you and each other as they/you process their/your own suffering. I love you all.