Lamentice
Schizoid
- Mar 27, 2023
- 215
I have tried to find belonging in so many spaces at this point. I grew up in a cult and was marked by the congregation & ostracized by my peers, so no tribe there. I did not recieve much of an education until my parents were forced to put me into public high school, you can imagine that didn't work out well. In psych wards, surrounded by abused & struggling peers like myself, I was also ostracized and found no belonging; I specifically remember my unit being taken out for sports/physical activity and looking to join some groups and being asked not to join or just stared at like "Are you really gonna try to play with us, really?" so I sat by the nurses and did nothing, until someone else sat by the nurses and I started chatting with them thinking "hey if you don't have a group, neither do I, we can relate", and someone came up and asked the other person to come join them and I was quite literally the only one left out. As an adult, being born homosexual I was excited to start participating in the community, really expecting to find belonging this time--nope; from every letter of the queer community (inlcuding my own) I have had hostile experience after hostile experience & negativity, people are only nice when they are interested in fucking you. I have come to find I really dislike much of queer culture as well and despite how I was born, do not relate to my community. So I pivoted toward women dominated spaces, oh god.. the hostility and competition and judgment, and all of it, it's really all 10x worse even.
Humans really are despicable no matter where you go. Are we really naturally social when none of our socializing is based off curiosity and amicable commonality? It's truly all based off competition, social hierarchies, insecurities and validation, statuses, power dynamics. None of it is genuine, pure socializing for the sake of it, it's all polluted mental games. How is that being naturally social? I see that we evolved to survive in groups, but we're not social, there is nothing social about humans, just a whole bunch of insurmountable nastiness toward each other. And the people who require company the most are typically the most mean, malicious individuals of them all.
Humans really are despicable no matter where you go. Are we really naturally social when none of our socializing is based off curiosity and amicable commonality? It's truly all based off competition, social hierarchies, insecurities and validation, statuses, power dynamics. None of it is genuine, pure socializing for the sake of it, it's all polluted mental games. How is that being naturally social? I see that we evolved to survive in groups, but we're not social, there is nothing social about humans, just a whole bunch of insurmountable nastiness toward each other. And the people who require company the most are typically the most mean, malicious individuals of them all.
