NSFW Finally recovering after being SA'd by an ex

[cececinderella]

Around 2 1/2 years ago, my partner at the time would begin repeatedly SAing me. I was struggling with alcohol use around this time, so even if I did say yes like they claim I did, I would not be sober to do it. They did this to me in my house, on the school bus, in class, but nobody seemed to notice. They never really treated me the best, and any time I bring anything about this up, people would ask "well, why didn't you just leave?" Unfortunately, their family is super powerful, and they have a lot of influence in my town, and this was my main reasoning for not leaving. I was scared of the repercussions. I still see them nearly every day at school, and I hate that I share a class with them at the end of the day. I would try to CTB frequently during this relationship, nearly every day after the SA cycle would start, but ever since I left, I feel like it's gotten better. I used to freak out completely and would need to rush out of class to my counselor whenever they got too close to me post-breakup, but now, I just get annoyed and move out of the way in order to keep my distance. I am completely no contact with them, and I don't let my friends, boyfriend, etc speak on my behalf to them. Unfortunately, I cannot stop them from staring at me or making comments about me, but whatever. I think I'm getting better. I'm hoping that moving away will seal away the possibility of ever seeing them again and I will eventually be at peace. Best outcome is I forget they ever existed, but I think that's a little unrealistic.

 

[themisfell]

as someone who was serially raped and domestically abused by a partner 7 years ago, I want to speak on my own experience if that's okay.

for me, I'll never forget. it's jarring. I've had longer relationships since then. I've had people I've known WAY better than I knew them, since our relationship was barely 2 years long. I've stalked them since then, they're a completely different person to the person who did all these things years ago (not in a good way, it's just weird how much they reinvented themselves… they were always paranoid I'd go public about what they did so I've always wondered if that's why lol). But my tangent aside… what they've done has never left me. I get so anxious and uncomfortable during sex, and despite craving sexual intimacy I rarely can enjoy sex with my partner. Sometimes if things just line "too much" in my head, it makes me spiral and my anxiety peaks and it feels like I'm back there, at their mercy. So honest to god, as someone who is almost a decade away from their trauma… you probably will never forget.

It'll come and go. Sometimes I won't think about it for months, sometimes even a year. But sometimes it's the only thing on my mind and the anxiety and fear is suffocating. Since you posted this in recovery, I do want to say that I think you can live a full life despite it. I won't lie, I personally have issues even now reconciling it, especially due to how it affected how I feel about personal intimacy… but there's other things in my life that are fulfilling. And I can be intimate with my partner even if it's not always sexually, and those times that I CAN enjoy a sexual encounter do feel that much nicer as a result. If you want to move past it, please don't ever beat yourself if you fall back into dwelling on it. I'm not saying you should wallow in it, but I genuinely think this is one of those things you never "fully" recover from— you just manage it. As a fellow survivor, I truly do think you're incredible for being able to live your life. Sometimes it takes everything for me to just go through a day. But yet you're still here, and you've moved from all those bad things too. I wish you the best, truly. And forgive me if I overstepped by sharing this, I just wanted to share my own experience with my trauma.

 

[BlueLock]

I'm so sorry you went through that :(