Venting finally left emotionally abusive ex but i just feel worse

[maneose]

i literally made this account at the height of my relationship because i couldn't handle it anymore, but only started using it now because i just feel almost as bad as i did before. honestly i don't even know how to feel about everything, i feel crazy to say they were abusive but i've told my close friend about it for the first time a while ago and they just looked at me in shock when they heard everything that happened, and agreed with me that it was very controlling and manipulative. i don't know i just feel super betrayed and sad, it took them 4 months to get over me, which might seem like a lot of time but they would always say that i was the first person to make them feel something, and that they would rather die then date someone else. then fucks off to get a crush someone who just turned 16 that they met online (for retrospect we're freshman in college) and i can't help just realize they didn't even, really want someone to love, well they did but they just really wanted someone to listen to their problems all the time and deal with all their baggage. which! you should do in relationships, but that shouldn't be the core of it. it's not like i didn't place any boundaries, i did, but it just kept happening over and over again, having me to prevent them from off'ing themselves because i didn't like their behavior, or i wanted to breakup with them! i would come to them days after i broke up with them and they would say they were super suicidal and almost took their life, and what am i supposed to think about that? was i not the inherit cause? and it would sometimes be the day of the breakup, i would go back on my words saying "wait i regret what i said, i don't wanna break up please" half of which was because i loved them so much and the other half was because i was so scared to lose them. i can't even name the times i had to stay up and end up crying so hard i would have swollen eyes to stop them from hurting themselves. and even with all that and so much more i miss them, and i'm constantly thinking of what they're doing, i'm scared that they might actually die and that all my work was in vain. i want to call them and just see how they're doing, i wanna hear their voice and hold their hand and hug them. it really boggles my mind, i used to be so co-dependent with them, at most not talking to them for a few hours for appointments, but other than that i would constantly talk with them. i have so much free time to do my hobbies, but i feel so lonely. i constantly feel like people and my friends hate me, that they know something i don't and just detest me. i feel like i've just gotten so worse and want to relapse, all i think about is them and i feel so tired and can't help but think of suicide for half the day. i feel so gross in my own skin and just want to ripe myself out, i want to go back on my word because i feel like i made this situation so much worse then it really was. i don't know why i feel this way in all honesty, my friends like me! whenever i say something that's of the effect of "you hate me right" they always say the kindest things like, "you're my friend why would i not listen to your problems?", "i hope you know i love hanging out with you" and it makes me tear up because i feel so loved in a honest and wholesome way but i just feel like i don't deserve it. i broke up our friend group because of what i told them and i feel like i took so much away from everyone. i can't even talk to my family anymore, i just feel so sad and angry all the time and can't even force myself to talk. i really hope that this is just me being super emotional from my period or seasonal depression, or a normal reaction to breaking up. idk i just needed to vent i barely go on this website but with the constant need to blow my brains out 24/7 i thought this would be a good way to get my feelings out

 

[Spiritual survivor]

It's going to feel worse initially when u exit a toxic relationship. Could last a few months or so. It's normal. U have to grieve and readjust to being without that person and u will feel like u forgot how to function on your own. They tend to diminish your sense of self/identity, ability to initiate things, address your needs so it takes time to regain yourself after u get away from one of these people. It will get better with time.

 

[Jinxyxx]

Its a good thing you two broke up. You might not be sure about that now but im sure youll see soon enought that this was the right choice. Staying in a relationship with a person like that is damaging. Good job for taking such a big step, i know it must have been hard. But you did it, you made the first step. I hope and i believe it will get better from here

 

[azukigirl]

im really proud of you, youve been in a lot of pain and im so sorry this is happening . it was for the best you separated, you deserve so much love, i know theres a period of time where it hurts the most and you need to heal, you should have support, im here if u need someone becus its hard. i escaped my abusive family and it almost feels just as bad as when i was dealing with it. i wish the absolute best for you ♡♡

 

[maneose]

im really proud of you, youve been in a lot of pain and im so sorry this is happening . it was for the best you separated, you deserve so much love, i know theres a period of time where it hurts the most and you need to heal, you should have support, im here if u need someone becus its hard. i escaped my abusive family and it almost feels just as bad as when i was dealing with it. i wish the absolute best for you ♡♡

thank you you're message makes me really feel safe and comforted, it means a lot to hear that and i hope you know i appreciate it so much i'm so glad that you were able to escape your situation too and hope you nothing but happinesses in the future

 

[maneose]

It's a good thing you two broke up. You might not be sure about that now but im sure youll see soon enought that this was the right choice. Staying in a relationship with a person like that is damaging. Good job for taking such a big step, i know it must have been hard. But you did it, you made the first step. I hope and i believe it will get better from here

gosh i appreciate your words im glad that my decision wasn't a bad thing and thank you for the rationalizing my thought process i needed that!! thank you again :)

It's going to feel worse initially when u exit a toxic relationship. Could last a few months or so. It's normal. U have to grieve and readjust to being without that person and u will feel like u forgot how to function on your own. They tend to diminish your sense of self/identity, ability to initiate things, address your needs so it takes time to regain yourself after u get away from one of these people. It will get better with time

thank you, i'm so glad that this isn't like just a me thing, i honestly thought i was going crazy but thank you so much, this really helps clear up my emotionally charged thoughts and feelings and think about it so much more rationally