Help Finally have the chance to heal and improve my life but now I have no motivation

[RosebyAnyName]

One of my biggest reasons for wanting to CTB was because I was stuck living with my parents. I have almost nothing in common with them, and I felt like I couldn't do anything without them judging me and pushing me down. I wanted to live freely, to pursue my interests and goals and do whatever I wanted without having to hear their opinion on it. It motivated me to work hard so I could move out: I went to school, went to post-secondary, got a full time job, saved as much as possible.

After all that hard work, I finally have the means to move out, only to realize it wasn't worth it. I wanted a spacious house, but I don't want money to be too tight and I don't want to clean it. I passed up on some single family detached homes because they're all fixer-uppers in my price range and I'm too lazy to do any work on them. One of my goals was to have a garden, but now I don't even want a yard because I'll have to mow the lawn every week while still barely being able to afford it. The only thing worth doing, based on work put in vs enjoyment received, is watching youtube videos and doing drugs. Turns out I actually like rotting in my parents basement because it's less work, and all my goals and dreams were too much work for what they're worth anyways.

I'm confident I would have had the drive and motivation to move out when I was younger. I wanted it so badly, I had so many plans and ideas, the only thing I was missing was the money. Now that I've worked my whole life for the money to only get half of what I want, I'm ready to stare at my phone straight to the coffin and never have to work another day of my life. Why even work towards anything when it won't be possible, or won't be satisfying?

 

[neurotic]

Oh my god first off, congratulations on getting so far, that's actually huge. I had so much trouble finding a place to stay to get away from my family. It kept getting put off for a "better opportunity" so I ended up just settling on a relatively cheap/nice apartment just for the time being. Honestly, not even that much furniture also, just necessities. That way, I'm out of the house, recovering, and can plan my next steps safely and independently.

Here's what I did:
Maybe you're overwhelmed by the decisions, and passing up on a house definitely sounds demoralizing. I'd really recommend starting small like an apartment, I know they're expensive right now, but with a year lease you can really figure things out by then.
Almost as soon as I moved out on my own, I was succeeding at everything I wanted. My personal time frame, a year to fulfill expectations, was shattered when my motivation returned and surpassed what I hoped would happen. At this rate, I'm not even halfway through my lease and I already have some solid foundations for a house if I wanted. (Probably not though, I want to get out of this state first lol)

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm overselling it, especially if getting an apartment in your area is out of the question, but it's really worked out for me and your situation sounds so, so similar. Good luck.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I had a weird realization more recently, which is that I actually fear autonomy and hate making my own decisions, and that I'm bad at making decisions. I don't trust myself and I hate feeling so far behind my peers.

My biggest dream was to be independent because I always felt like my parents were too controlling. I really resent them for it, I never felt like my own person but just an extension of them. When I told them I would start looking for a place to move out, I was worried they would try to control my decision, but they told me that they would try to stay out of it and not influence my decision. Learning that they were going to try and stay out of it was... actually very frustrating and not relieving at all. To me, it almost feels like they spent my whole life criticizing me for making mistakes and not doing things their way, but when it came to big things they refused to help. It feels like they refused to let me learn to make my own decisions, yet left me in the dust and just blamed me for my mistakes when it actually mattered (this is relevant to my past traumas). Now I just feel enmeshed / dependent on them and it's a lot harder to break away, I would have left much sooner if I had the resources. It's humiliating to still be here.

Oh my god first off, congratulations on getting so far, that's actually huge. I had so much trouble finding a place to stay to get away from my family. It kept getting put off for a "better opportunity" so I ended up just settling on a relatively cheap/nice apartment just for the time being. Honestly, not even that much furniture also, just necessities. That way, I'm out of the house, recovering, and can plan my next steps safely and independently.

Here's what I did:
Maybe you're overwhelmed by the decisions, and passing up on a house definitely sounds demoralizing. I'd really recommend starting small like an apartment, I know they're expensive right now, but with a year lease you can really figure things out by then.
Almost as soon as I moved out on my own, I was succeeding at everything I wanted. My personal time frame, a year to fulfill expectations, was shattered when my motivation returned and surpassed what I hoped would happen. At this rate, I'm not even halfway through my lease and I already have some solid foundations for a house if I wanted. (Probably not though, I want to get out of this state first lol)

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm overselling it, especially if getting an apartment in your area is out of the question, but it's really worked out for me and your situation sounds so, so similar. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply, this helped me put things in perspective. I remember how liberated I felt when I first realized being away from my parents made me feel much better. I think condo / apartment is the way to go for me, I know my parents have biases against them that I've internalized but I think it really is the best thing for me at this point in life.