Venting Finally Got The Job I Wanted. Plan on Dying Before my first day on the 30th

[blvck]

Currently a student. Addict. Can't get myself under control. I finally got the job I wanted for 3 years and I start in a week. But I just experienced my worst relapse/binge for the past month and messed up really bad tonight.

Also finally signed up for therapy. And also a place to get my medication that I couldn't get for the past year. That appointment is also on the 30th and I plan on missing it too.

I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to relapse. Whatever progress I make doesn't matter. I failed in everything. What does it matter? I'm going to die anyway.

I'm frozen in fear, I really don't know what's gonna happen to me. There's no one on this earth I can be fully honest with.

I don't even feel like writing a suicide note. I can't handle it anymore. I'm checking out. And I'm kinda glad I waited till now, because I can finally join the 27 club.

I give up on me. Lost cause.

 

[jonghyun]

To be honest you say you have no hope but you just made two really brave forward steps, getting a job and getting a therapy appointment. No one can force you to stay in the world but i think it would be a shame if you didn't give those two things a try anyway. Even if just for a few days or a week. You don't know what life will throw at you and because you've just made two huge changes i'd be inclined to give them a chance at least..

 

[Letgo]

I agree. Maybe there's still a little bit of hope in you?

 

[soontobedone]

I hear you. I've been suicidal for 6 months. I finally set an appt with a doctor. My agoraphobia is so bad I don't know if I'll make the appointment. And I'm concerned it could lead to hospitalization. I think about ctb all day. I have SN but am afraid of possible pain and failure. I think indecision is making me feel sick at times.
For months I can't see a future for myself. But recently I've had tiny bits of hope.
I don't know how long it'll last but for now I'm hanging on. I hope you do too.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really tiring what you've had to endure, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans, to me it's certainly understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering that existing brings.

 

[LittleJem]

Job, medication, therapy...is there a rush really to CTB?

You might have a good patch of life coming up with that combo. You could just give it a chance for six months or a year before big decisions?

The strength you have to pause your addiction, even if you relapse, is more strength than those living without addiction.

I'm not a pro lifer, it just sounds like you have a good chance to have a nicer period in your life again and you could just seize it!

 

[come to dust]

what are you addicted to?

 

[hella.physched]

Currently a student. Addict. Can't get myself under control. I finally got the job I wanted for 3 years and I start in a week. But I just experienced my worst relapse/binge for the past month and messed up really bad tonight.

Also finally signed up for therapy. And also a place to get my medication that I couldn't get for the past year. That appointment is also on the 30th and I plan on missing it too.

I'm never going to get better. I'm always going to relapse. Whatever progress I make doesn't matter. I failed in everything. What does it matter? I'm going to die anyway.

I'm frozen in fear, I really don't know what's gonna happen to me. There's no one on this earth I can be fully honest with.

I don't even feel like writing a suicide note. I can't handle it anymore. I'm checking out. And I'm kinda glad I waited till now, because I can finally join the 27 club.

I give up on me. Lost cause.

The fact that you tried & got the job, & that you applied for therapy means that a faint part of you still thinks theres hope.
Now im not invalidating you, you obviously know yourself better.
But from those two actions, i think change is possible. You can get better because a smal part of you does.
Whatever you decide to do, you're so brave for sticking around this long.

 

[VioletNight]

I agree with everyone else here, the fact that you've gotten this far and achieved so much is truly admirable. Your feelings are totally valid though and I can't imagine how hard it is dealing with your struggle. Just know that it's not the only thing that defines you and relapse isn't the end of the road it's just a bump in the ongoing battle with addiction.

 

[Twistedliesinside]

I'm going to say this because I believe I'm feeling very similar to you currently. I write this while feeling overwhelming fear and loneliness. The best things in my life may well be currently happening and I'm afraid it hasn't and isn't taking away the pain. I'm relapsing on residue of a powerful fentanyl analogue right this moment as I type. I'm afraid that I can't even deal with the hope of life getting better, so I'm running. However I'm very self-aware that my reaction is self-sabotage, it's much more comfortable because it's familiar... I think that's exactly what you're doing right now. Find a way to at least know for sure if these great new opportunities will help before making a decision. Also I did a lot of harm to myself when I was 27, allowing myself to fall into the heaviest addiction of my life. You have to stop romanticising the 27 club and make a real decision not based on others lives.

 

[alyayoun]

Why would you give up now, after two big achievements like these, you might really get better, if that's really the job you always wanted, you should give up only after failing that one

 

[Zaphkiel]

Man, it's the job you wanted, at least try it a little! Congratz for fighting through everything

 

[SoftWorries]

It doesn't feel good for me to get the things I want in the moment. It's only later that my feelings catch up when I'm certain that it's what I wanted and it won't be taken away.

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