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Kalista

Failed hard to pull the trigger - Now using SN
Feb 5, 2023
246
last time i posted about trying to get other people's input -- "If you had roughly 15k USD saved up, how would you approach your life next based on my situation below?"

try to achieve a pro status in FPS games and join the esports world while streaming the matches, streaming a variety of content on twitch with a focus on what i can actually do well now, or move out to another country to start fresh using everything that i have leaving the shit pain i experienced here.

pro gaming felt real far after practicing and playing everyday on valorant while streaming the progress. the skills that i match up against can be so high. specially made me see it to be worse after being unable to leave the silver rank and having 4 more ranks to go through on top of it then finally reaching the last "ascent" rank. each rank is also broken down in three levels -- silver 1, 2, and 3. it felt hopeless even when there was improvement with my skills. being discovered is very low in chance since you're competing against not only high-skill players, but streamers as well. the game category has so many people streaming that you'd only get lucky to be spotted in the list.

i don't have energy to move out anywhere. i gave up on the idea. the ideal setting is to know someone in that country and be able to assist with my housing until i get settled. no one could help. i am alone in it. so i gave up.

i chose variety streaming on twitch as the last resort. it was easier, but not really. every day i'm depressed, ready to break down. i get on stream, i mostly have to put up a more 'positive' attitude. sometimes i admit on-stream that i'm just not well. pretending can become exhausting. i streamed some digital art and played many games. trying to think of what i can showcase as a streamer where people can actually stay and watch. it was a massive struggle to get viewers and get them to stay. constantly trying to adjust my stream layout and adding things to test while still keeping a simple look. i had to add a layout to make up for the lack of cam which i'll never use. tried drawing my own pngtube character on stream to be a pngtuber, used it, but eventually took it down because i realized how shitty the character is. became more depressed, stopped streaming for a while and planned suicide then came back to try once last time once again. i don't have some super active personality that many popular streams have, but i try to make up for it by putting out content based on skill with some commentary. it worked well enough with the game that increased my growth.
met some people through two of the games. the people from those games sometimes support my stream still by passing by or raiding.
it wasn't until that final game is when the stream hit decent growth in comparison to how it was before. just hit affiliate last week and got a bunch of gifted subs from two people and two individual subs. while it was nice to see, it's not sustainable and it's not natural, because the gifted subs don't come straight from the viewers that got it. so the chance of it happening next month is very, very low or zero chance. i made around $60+ from all of it including the ad revenue.
i keep looking at the statistics from my recent and past streams to analyze what's happening and how i can reach out to other to be further discovered. what can i change? which games can i possibly play next to attract more people? what can i do on stream in the game to make them feel interested such as creating a challenge? which streamer knows which streamer so i can start following them and interacting in their stream to create connections?
i got more new followers, but what does a follower mean when they don't come back to watch you? viewer count is what matters to twitch in order to unlock affiliate and partner status. and subscriptions are what matters if i am to make money as a streamer. i feel hopeless with this path as well.

after getting off stream, depression hits even harder. lonely and alone. remembering things without having to think about them. every sensation connected to what had happened to me late last year and further back makes me feel all sorts of shit feelings. i'm fucking broken. i can't go out without having to break down crying. i only drive out to get food and make sure it's very close by. i eat like shit but i don't care. i want something to happen to my body that will lead me to death. i hate getting up to shower, but it gets so uncomfortable when i stream because of sweaty and oily skin. so i at least shower once before streaming. i stopped cutting my own hair because it feels pointless and i don't have energy for it. it's very long now. it's uncomfortable.
i stopped cleaning the apartment like i used to every week. i used to be a very neat and clean person. the place is a mess and i don't care for garbage on the floors anymore. roommate doesn't help with any of that shit since the beginning.
i switched my sleep schedule to wake up at night so i won't have to deal with people that are active during the day.

lost my job yesterday finally. haven't gone to work since november. refused to reply to my hr's email since two months ago. because of that, they considered it as job abandonment. ended up finally replying today, but didn't give a full explanation about my situation because it wouldn't have mattered whether i was being fired or not.
i was trying to hold my 401k hostage because if i chose to die, it'll be distributed to my beneficiary. clearly killing myself is taking longer than i had planned and the 401k hostaging is not happening anymore. and i'm officially jobless.
twitch streaming is the only thing i want to do but i can't even fucking do it well. i barely have energy to do much of anything and i hate going to sleep, getting dreams i don't want to dream about, getting nightmares that fucks me up when i wake up. waking up fucking alone. there was a time when she would check up on me, but not anymore.

i have a medical debt that has been accumulating since last year from the involuntary placement in the mental hospital. don't know how much it is now. i refuse to pay it and thinking about challenging it. it's not something i wanted in the first place, but it's probably not going to do anything since this is just how the fucking country works. being forced to be locked up because you're depressed and need to kill yourself to be rid of all the pain people and this world hit you with, then charging you to pay for it afterwards. fuck all of these hospitals and the people who take your choices away.

slowly i'm losing money. i only use $10 for gas probably every month. eating fast food at least once a day. investing in new games that may be entertaining to watch and peripherals that may help with my streaming.
i have a credit card debt as well that's accruing interest each month.

i don't know how much money i'll get from my job. they're sending me a final check and will probably deposit my 401k as well which is the 15k. don't know how it works

i'm miserable everyday. i have a rough time limit on my channel's growth and if it's reached, then that's it from me. specially now that i'm jobless. something needs to happen.

that's where things are right now and i'll always be alone in it. reading the email about being terminated hit me deep even though i was expecting it. reality is always catching up. society's rules and laws will be there to fuck you up when you just want to be free from it. so i will continue streaming for now within the show time limit. then leave everything once it proves to be a failure.

this is not the life that i had envisioned. i worked on becoming a data scientist when i was with my ex last year. to give us both a better life without having to worry too much about money. that's gone now as she threw me to the side like garbage. other people's ignorance placed me in the mental hospital and no one ever bothered to check on my wellbeing.

a part of me does want to keep trying streaming until it succeeds, but i never want to go back to do work, ever. i fucking hate working the stupid ass meaningless jobs so many people are tolerating. i've been tired of it for the longest time. i don't fucking care if that's how the world works. my respond to that will always be "it doesn't have to be"

my sn and meto are always next to me on my desk to my left and the distilled water to drink it with nearby as well as the painkillers to remind me that i can leave whenever. i have the ticket to exit this miserable life when i choose to do it.
 
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Monique696

Monique696

Member
Aug 31, 2021
81
Would you like to maybe try to build something together? Like a kinda depressed and down group that still tries to motivate each other to Post and stream? I can't work myself since the longest time and try to motivate myself to get active on social media again and to publish books again but I feel like I can barely move due to depression at times.
I wanted to look into affiliate links as well and to try my luck on TikTok maybe. Nothing to lose I guess
 
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K

Kalista

Failed hard to pull the trigger - Now using SN
Feb 5, 2023
246
Would you like to maybe try to build something together? Like a kinda depressed and down group that still tries to motivate each other to Post and stream? I can't work myself since the longest time and try to motivate myself to get active on social media again and to publish books again but I feel like I can barely move due to depression at times.
I wanted to look into affiliate links as well and to try my luck on TikTok maybe. Nothing to lose I guess
maybe. while i do have a vague deadline to die if it fails, placing more deadlines just exhausts me mentally on top of my plans to complete certain things on-stream. pretty much i prefer to go on my own pace. sometimes i do end up having to force myself to get out of bed to get ready for the day's stream.

i don't have any social media. i hate using them. only thing i have is twitch and discord. i might have to expand to youtube at the very least, but i don't exactly have content to put up yet. just live streaming and interaction with viewers. so maybe that'll be something to work on next.

can't promise i'll do this with you, but i'll still talk to you about it. just message me.
 

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