Venting Finally got a gun

[6sad6grl6]

Idk why I haven't used it yet. I'm already out of painkillers about to be out of anti anxiety meds. Fuck. I guess I'm waiting to get a certain amount of sad? That doesn't make any sense at all. Maybe it's because my little sisters birthday was yesterday, I went to a psych ward 2 years in a row on this very day sometime in high school, that's the only reason I remember bc I ruined her birthday twice in a row. Today I'm really thinking about it. I think I'm gonna drink heavy and listen to the last couple of messages my boyfriend sent me before he overdosed. That will probably help make it easier. Idk. I'm living the same day over and over. I wish I still had a xan plug. I think It'd be easier without my nerves getting to me every time. Idk why I'm scared, it's a pretty sure fire way. I'm just scared if it doesn't work really. I think I'm gonna go out into the sticks and just get a feel of shooting it. I still barely know how to use it, even though it's pretty self explanatory. I gotta stop procrastinating.

 

[BojackHorseman]

I think I understand how you feel. I have a gun too, but I'm too afraid to use it. What if the gun kicks and I end up just paralyzing myself or a vegetable? I still find it comforting to have. I guess cause in the back of my mind I know if it's ever *too* bad to handle I have a way out. I sat before and just held it to my head and felt... peace. But then I don't pull the trigger. It's kinda like you said I guess, waiting to feel a "certain level" of sad. I am constantly going back and forth between suicidal thoughts and recovery, it changes day by day. On my better days, it kinda scares me to look back on holding the gun to my head. On bad days though, it brings me peace. I guess it's peace in knowing I have the option. Sorry you feel that way, and I wish you peace.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I used to have a gun but was never able to use it as well. It was a source of comfort. Most people wouldn't understand how it could make one comfortable, but I think you and many others on this forum do. I do hope one day you are able to find another source of comfort and the tranquility you deserve.

 

[Enlighten]

Idk why I haven't used it yet. I'm already out of painkillers about to be out of anti anxiety meds. Fuck. I guess I'm waiting to get a certain amount of sad? That doesn't make any sense at all. Maybe it's because my little sisters birthday was yesterday, I went to a psych ward 2 years in a row on this very day sometime in high school, that's the only reason I remember bc I ruined her birthday twice in a row. Today I'm really thinking about it. I think I'm gonna drink heavy and listen to the last couple of messages my boyfriend sent me before he overdosed. That will probably help make it easier. Idk. I'm living the same day over and over. I wish I still had a xan plug. I think It'd be easier without my nerves getting to me every time. Idk why I'm scared, it's a pretty sure fire way. I'm just scared if it doesn't work really. I think I'm gonna go out into the sticks and just get a feel of shooting it. I still barely know how to use it, even though it's pretty self explanatory. I gotta stop procrastinating.

Hey OP, i'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope you're still alive and hopefully doing a little bit better.
If you wanna talk about it, feel free to DM