
_elliott
sweet adeline.
- Apr 24, 2021
- 148
after a LOT of bullshit.. my SN is here. found it on some WEIRD fishing site in my town—no joke, and it's a huge thing of SN for curing FISH EGGS… i thought it was a fucking joke. 99% pure, 32 OZ for like, 14 dollars? no real labels or anything either, besides just "don't fucking eat this idiot."
nah. no it's REAL. tested it against some of my blood, turned brown IMMEDIATELY. the other sodium nitrate does NOT do that. seriously. i'm fucking shocked. you should've seen me, so happy and shaking i was going to CRY. the end is so close.
i was going to commit the 12th of november, but it looks like i have plans with friends. we will see what goes on. i might do it earlier, or later. but oh my god. knowing i have reliable peace.. i've had SIX suicide attempts this year. fucking SIX. i survived over 200MG of god damn OXYCODONE, CAT MEDICATION, AND A LETHAL AMOUNT OF ADHD MEDS, for fucks sake, amongst other things. and oh my god. i'm finally going to die.
my one hope is i get to be a ghost. that's it. i just want to watch the world with no pain. casually knock shit around my old friend's rooms to remind them i'm still here and happy. just i can't be happy living. i just can't.
i know thats stupid, and i don't even believe in ghosts, nor that any can do that, but if there is an afterlife, hell, if there is one thing that god can grant me, if he IS real, it's that. i just want that. then i can be happy.
i'm just so happy. it's so close i literally can taste it. salty. it's so salty.
i've always liked salt.
nah. no it's REAL. tested it against some of my blood, turned brown IMMEDIATELY. the other sodium nitrate does NOT do that. seriously. i'm fucking shocked. you should've seen me, so happy and shaking i was going to CRY. the end is so close.
i was going to commit the 12th of november, but it looks like i have plans with friends. we will see what goes on. i might do it earlier, or later. but oh my god. knowing i have reliable peace.. i've had SIX suicide attempts this year. fucking SIX. i survived over 200MG of god damn OXYCODONE, CAT MEDICATION, AND A LETHAL AMOUNT OF ADHD MEDS, for fucks sake, amongst other things. and oh my god. i'm finally going to die.
my one hope is i get to be a ghost. that's it. i just want to watch the world with no pain. casually knock shit around my old friend's rooms to remind them i'm still here and happy. just i can't be happy living. i just can't.
i know thats stupid, and i don't even believe in ghosts, nor that any can do that, but if there is an afterlife, hell, if there is one thing that god can grant me, if he IS real, it's that. i just want that. then i can be happy.
i'm just so happy. it's so close i literally can taste it. salty. it's so salty.
i've always liked salt.