Feeling relieved now after having finally found sodium nitrite that ships to Australia! It was very difficult to find sources overall honestly which were of small quantities (some sources were kgs worth and very pricey) and also ship to Aus. Ended up having to buy from a source on a dark web market which was reasonably priced and seemed previous orders were successful + vendor reships if package is seized or lost after a certain time frame has passed. Buying it after so much research and planning was honestly a relief and things feel somewhat lighter now knowing I am getting closer and closer to my plan each day. It should take up to 2-3 weeks since it comes from the US and am just planning to wait it out and enjoy life as much as I can anyways until then.
Even though I'm on holidays currently though (my last planned holidays for my birthday), I still struggle to find joy in much if anything and my range of emotions feel so blunted/numb it's ridiculous. Having to mask my emotions/suicide plans have been difficult too since I'm around family. I just feel exhausted honestly, tired of this life, of life overall and wanting it all to end. I just want peace/freedom and I guess death is the only thing that can permanently provide that. I'm a new member here too and it feels so comforting to be around other people in similar situations/thinking and not having to worry about speaking about suicide or plans...
My plan currently is to wait until the SN arrives and then, date is planned after christmas but before new year's to not upset family as much hopefully. I'll be using 20g of SN as recommended by the guides on here for a person of smaller size (I'm 60kg for reference) with 50ml or so of water. I was originally going to use a low acid fruit juice along with prochlorperazine (antiemetic), but have now decided to just go with water as people here seem to suggest against it and it is such a small amount of water anyways should be fine. Will obtain the prochlorperazine online via pharmacists prescription after a phone call mentioning migraines which I'll do a week beforehand or so. Plan then is to leave my current city on the day decided at night and take public transport to the next city nearby with beautiful beaches and take a nice walk down the beach to relax a bit before going through with the SN. I will also be booking a hotel room for two nights, paid with cash hopefully too. Since I live with my parents currently (am young), they will likely report me missing as I have a previous history of mental health issues, suicide attempts and going missing... This will be a problem but I think that if I leave at an unexpected time, put my phone on airplane mode/switch it off and bring only cash with me to pay hotel and anything else needed (antiacid) it should be ok. Will mean that police will be searching for me though probably as I go through with SN in the hotel room, but I'm also planning to put a chair or desk/table in front of the room door in case they do somehow manage to find or track me and find my room. How long can I expect SN to make me unconscious for a person of my size (60kg)? And with 20g of SN, how long would death likely be if anyone knows? I know this is pretty variable though. Really hoping all these measures/plans will be enough to have the plan succeed though and police not to find me 'in time' to save me if I am still alive but unconsious or something. I cannot be hospitalised again.
Another possible issue is my next and final therapy session before the end of the year. As I'm a young adult and student at uni with not many savings, my parents do pay for my therapy sessions and so they know about my appointments and times etc and if I don't go will know. So, I will have to go especially as my mum comes with at the end to pay for each session for me. This session is in the next 1.5 weeks, so just before everyone goes on holidays. Unfortunately, my therapist knows me fairly well so far as I've seen her for 6+ months now. She's never seen me in a depressive episode/suicidal before though apart from our last session 2 weeks ago. She knows my history though of psychiatric hospitalisations and suicide attempts etc so probably has increased concern about risk/suicide if she finds out about my current plan too. What I'm worried about though is that in our last session 2 weeks ago I was already pretty deep in this depression and mentioned that passive suicidal thoughts had come back, but made it very clear I had no intention on acting on them and did not want to die (which honestly I didn't and this was true, but things have now changed). I also ended up telling her about my study not going too well (wasn't attending classes) and also sleeping more, eating less and she did seem concerned, asked more about my suicidality and at the end of the session even walked me out to the reception and stayed there a bit to make sure I booked another session with this worried look on her face.
This is definitely worrying to me too, because even if I do manage to hide my mood state pretty well (shouldn't be hard as I'm pretty numb/calm right now) and play down the suicidal risk, she could still speak to my mum or call crisis teams to evaluate me. I don't want to lie to her if she asks me about if I have suicidal plans or intent. I find it hard to lie, normally a very honest and down to earth person, but if I told her the extent of my plans and purchasing the SN I will certainly be hospitalised at this stage which can't happen. I'm thinking of being just vague and acting calm/not distressed and just changing the subject. Not sure how to go around this successfully without triggering crisis interventions... How can I evade the suicide risk assessment questions (which she'll probably ask because mentioned suicidal thoughts in last session) without worrying her and not being hospitalised? I really don't want to lie and think it'd be obvious if I did lie.
Looking for any advice please - much appreciated! Cheers :)
Even though I'm on holidays currently though (my last planned holidays for my birthday), I still struggle to find joy in much if anything and my range of emotions feel so blunted/numb it's ridiculous. Having to mask my emotions/suicide plans have been difficult too since I'm around family. I just feel exhausted honestly, tired of this life, of life overall and wanting it all to end. I just want peace/freedom and I guess death is the only thing that can permanently provide that. I'm a new member here too and it feels so comforting to be around other people in similar situations/thinking and not having to worry about speaking about suicide or plans...
My plan currently is to wait until the SN arrives and then, date is planned after christmas but before new year's to not upset family as much hopefully. I'll be using 20g of SN as recommended by the guides on here for a person of smaller size (I'm 60kg for reference) with 50ml or so of water. I was originally going to use a low acid fruit juice along with prochlorperazine (antiemetic), but have now decided to just go with water as people here seem to suggest against it and it is such a small amount of water anyways should be fine. Will obtain the prochlorperazine online via pharmacists prescription after a phone call mentioning migraines which I'll do a week beforehand or so. Plan then is to leave my current city on the day decided at night and take public transport to the next city nearby with beautiful beaches and take a nice walk down the beach to relax a bit before going through with the SN. I will also be booking a hotel room for two nights, paid with cash hopefully too. Since I live with my parents currently (am young), they will likely report me missing as I have a previous history of mental health issues, suicide attempts and going missing... This will be a problem but I think that if I leave at an unexpected time, put my phone on airplane mode/switch it off and bring only cash with me to pay hotel and anything else needed (antiacid) it should be ok. Will mean that police will be searching for me though probably as I go through with SN in the hotel room, but I'm also planning to put a chair or desk/table in front of the room door in case they do somehow manage to find or track me and find my room. How long can I expect SN to make me unconscious for a person of my size (60kg)? And with 20g of SN, how long would death likely be if anyone knows? I know this is pretty variable though. Really hoping all these measures/plans will be enough to have the plan succeed though and police not to find me 'in time' to save me if I am still alive but unconsious or something. I cannot be hospitalised again.
Another possible issue is my next and final therapy session before the end of the year. As I'm a young adult and student at uni with not many savings, my parents do pay for my therapy sessions and so they know about my appointments and times etc and if I don't go will know. So, I will have to go especially as my mum comes with at the end to pay for each session for me. This session is in the next 1.5 weeks, so just before everyone goes on holidays. Unfortunately, my therapist knows me fairly well so far as I've seen her for 6+ months now. She's never seen me in a depressive episode/suicidal before though apart from our last session 2 weeks ago. She knows my history though of psychiatric hospitalisations and suicide attempts etc so probably has increased concern about risk/suicide if she finds out about my current plan too. What I'm worried about though is that in our last session 2 weeks ago I was already pretty deep in this depression and mentioned that passive suicidal thoughts had come back, but made it very clear I had no intention on acting on them and did not want to die (which honestly I didn't and this was true, but things have now changed). I also ended up telling her about my study not going too well (wasn't attending classes) and also sleeping more, eating less and she did seem concerned, asked more about my suicidality and at the end of the session even walked me out to the reception and stayed there a bit to make sure I booked another session with this worried look on her face.
This is definitely worrying to me too, because even if I do manage to hide my mood state pretty well (shouldn't be hard as I'm pretty numb/calm right now) and play down the suicidal risk, she could still speak to my mum or call crisis teams to evaluate me. I don't want to lie to her if she asks me about if I have suicidal plans or intent. I find it hard to lie, normally a very honest and down to earth person, but if I told her the extent of my plans and purchasing the SN I will certainly be hospitalised at this stage which can't happen. I'm thinking of being just vague and acting calm/not distressed and just changing the subject. Not sure how to go around this successfully without triggering crisis interventions... How can I evade the suicide risk assessment questions (which she'll probably ask because mentioned suicidal thoughts in last session) without worrying her and not being hospitalised? I really don't want to lie and think it'd be obvious if I did lie.
Looking for any advice please - much appreciated! Cheers :)
