Update: I forgot to post yesterday. But, nothing happened. I've only tried cleaning around my house but that's about it. I still need to finish my note and I finally started it not too long ago, but I've run out of energy again to continue writing it. I also feel the need to tell my life story over again, I think in an effort to try to re-claim it my own before I go. I know for a fact there will be a lot said after I'm gone and the people who'll be doing the most talking and the least (somehow at the same time) will be the people who have done the most damage. I've been pushed off the edge. I've been abused for long enough and I am tired. Life is not easy and I am weak. But, I still tried. I did try. I tried listening to others' guidance and I even tried listening to my own in spite of the "loop" my life seems to be on. I've tried getting better multiple times and made my efforts at surviving and obviously, I've just barely survived everything. I made my attempts obviously. And the only thing I regret is them not succeeding. I could've avoided so much if I had died the first time. Because of what's happened, I've given up entirely to the point where I've put myself in dangerous and self-harming and humiliating situations I wouldn't have before because I've been forced to forget who I am. I have been shown it's not important, that it will never matter more than who other people think I am does. I tried "reviving" myself, but I don't have any interest anymore. The only reasons I have pro-longed my life is because of my friends, because of my two cousins who are basically like siblings to me. They are the only people who care. They have been the only people to treat me like a human being. With them, I am safe. They are safe. Things are calm and things are healthy. They do what they can for me and I try my best to do what I can as well. I know it's not much. They claim otherwise but I'm just hopeful I've been helpful somehow.
I still wait around for the apologies I think I "deserve" and have ignored everyone telling me that karma is real in efforts to get me to let my guard down. It contradicts them also telling me to forgive them without an apology. But if I'm making this about deserving, they don't deserve it. I always thought that I never knew or was taught how to forgive or just that I wasn't capable of it, but that's proven not to be true. I know how to forgive someone who's wronged me because I've done it before with a proper apology. With the people who have wronged me and apologized taking accountability for what they've done entirely and I've been able to move on. That's been something that is really rare for me to come by. I haven't experienced it from family. I have only experienced it once or maybe twice from people outside. Other than that, it has been blaming me for being weak, blaming what has happened to them to excuse them abusing me, constantly coming up with excuses as to why it was and will never be their fault. So, resentment has only built up and simmered. It's died down and boiled back over the top and I'm sure they get something out of it.
Some have said they are sorry, followed up with why I am to blame for them cheating. For them emotionally and mentally abusing me and threatening to beat me in a "joke". I've heard "I'm sorry" followed up with the fact they are not perfect for them physically beating me (with a belt) for things that were not my fault since I was child. They would apologize afterwards, promising it would never happen again and things would improve, things would change and it would only happen again. They get angry at me for being skeptical at them for everything. For staying on my guard around them even though I don't have any reason not to. They have scared me into submission. I don't fight or I didn't fight for a long time. They are the same person to criticize me after attempting, downplaying my reasons along with my cousins who have tried as well. They've failed to defend me in arguments with other family when they know I'm speaking the truth and told me to comply with them; Their only reason being that we would move out of their house soon and that I should comply until then. That we would continue to run away. When it comes to family, detaching and letting go is more than difficult. My family has denied me everything they've done to me and my siblings or downplayed it. I've said everything that needs to be said to them and don't miss being in that situation. I have never been apologized to for the rape and sexual abuse I've gone through with others when I was a child and I don't wait around for them to apologize. I don't wait around for them to say they did what they did.
Now, I am tired and I don't have anymore care to continue living. It takes an effort just to choose to get better and it takes strength and want to continue living. I don't have that anymore.
It's easiest for me to take the blame, even though I falter in and out of it as my emotions go up and down on everything that's happened in my life. When you've seen your parent get abused and then they abuse you, it is hard to get angry. It is hard not to be to at least try being there with them physically so they are reminded they aren't alone. But I have had little to no sympathy from them about the abuse I have been out through and they nearly went as far to say that it was my fault, that I've allowed them to do what they did to me, I chose to let them do it (specifically referring to me being emotionally abused and cheated on).
