Final thoughts and advice needed
Hi, I'm going to end my life this Friday night. The following is just an outline of some thoughts I have and questions I'd like answers to. If no one responds, I'll use this as a personal checklist to make sure I've done everything I need to and know everything I need to know. It's also a rough plan and a way to organise my thoughts
1. Obtain the method. This can be done Thursday night at the very latest
2. Clean my room. Throw all the food in the bin, wash all the dishes, wash, dry and fold all clothes and bedding, wipe down all surfaces and leave the window open. I'm planning to die in the bed. Ideally I'd die on a beach, watching the sunset one last time, but attempting suicide in public is a bad idea and even if I wasn't caught and sabotaged, I don't want to traumatise someone coming across my body
3. I'm planning to die on the day my flats contract ends and I'm supposed to go home. Obviously I have no intention of actually going home so I did no preparing. In the case of A, the method doesn't work (very unlikely) or B, I pussy out (unfortunately likely although I intend to take steps to stop that from happening) should I buy a suitcase so I have the plan B still of going home and trying again at a later date?
4. Before I go, I want to call my mother in the next couple days. I want to hear her voice again and talk to her, as well as any family members she passes the phone to, before I die. The only problem is, I had an arrangement with a relative to drop off a few of my belongings with them before I go back home. I haven't responded to that relative's text about it, I don't want to see them before I go. They talk about my future a lot, that I should be in a relationship and should be doing more with my time. Don't get me wrong, they're truly amazing and incredibly kind to me and i love them, but I feel like it'll make me feel much, much worse and either make me not want to do it or make it much harder to do at the time. I also don't know I'd I'll have time for all that meeting and arranging and packaging up in those few days I have left. Do I just lie to my mother if she asks about it, say I never got the text but I'll call them right now/ I'm leaving things at my friend's? Or do I go along with the original plan and give some of my belongings to my relative?
5. Writing a note. I know this sounds bad, but I intend not to write it to my family and friends. Most of my friends know I've attempted before, and I think it will generally be obvious to people why I did it, as long as I can make sure somehow I'm clear it's not their fault. Generally I just want to set out that this was a suicide and my death won't need to be legally investigated
6. Should I say something to my friends before I go? As in, right before I go. So that, like I mentioned they know it wasn't their fault. (For my family I intend to maybe say this in the note - I feel like if they got a sudden message from my saying it wasn't their fault, they'd possibly feel more like it was in hindsight). I feel like it could also be nice to call and speak to a friend, but maybe not?
7. So every attempt I've ever made I've pussied out of, from not trying in the first place to thinking "oh fuck i cant do this" when it doesn't immediately take effect. Not to be too explicit, but my chosen method is painless and basically involves lying there waiting to go to sleep. But for a few minutes, I'm lying there, completely clear-headed, I start thinking about the life I've had, about my family, about how I could fix things. I start hearing music blasted from downstairs and I think "i dont want to die listening to that!" How do i stop my brain doing things like this and brave it through the first few minutes until I pass out?
8. Who is likely to discover my body and how long after I've been dead? What precautions should I take for their sake?
9. Die completely naked- I don't know why, this just seems helpful
10. Erase all my devices. Edit: also delete a few accounts and cancel any subscriptions
11. Will the police tell my family and friends it was a suicide, or will they just say it was an accidental death? I don't know why, but I kind of want them to know it was a suicide. I don't deserve it, but all this just feels pointless otherwise
12. I have a lot of overdraft debt, about -£700. I would usually get paid on 28 August and this would have flipped my balance over to about positive £500. But if I die, will that money still go into my account or could the company I work for just think oh she's dead, let's keep the money? I don't want to have the debt transferred to my parents or anything
13. Similiarly, will I have a funeral? Is a funeral mandatory when a person dies? I don't want one- I wouldn't mind, but I don't feel like I deserve to be remembered personally. On another note, I don't think my parents can afford that, and I dont want them to have to pay this
14. Anything else I should be thinking of?
Hi, I'm going to end my life this Friday night. The following is just an outline of some thoughts I have and questions I'd like answers to. If no one responds, I'll use this as a personal checklist to make sure I've done everything I need to and know everything I need to know. It's also a rough plan and a way to organise my thoughts
1. Obtain the method. This can be done Thursday night at the very latest
2. Clean my room. Throw all the food in the bin, wash all the dishes, wash, dry and fold all clothes and bedding, wipe down all surfaces and leave the window open. I'm planning to die in the bed. Ideally I'd die on a beach, watching the sunset one last time, but attempting suicide in public is a bad idea and even if I wasn't caught and sabotaged, I don't want to traumatise someone coming across my body
3. I'm planning to die on the day my flats contract ends and I'm supposed to go home. Obviously I have no intention of actually going home so I did no preparing. In the case of A, the method doesn't work (very unlikely) or B, I pussy out (unfortunately likely although I intend to take steps to stop that from happening) should I buy a suitcase so I have the plan B still of going home and trying again at a later date?
4. Before I go, I want to call my mother in the next couple days. I want to hear her voice again and talk to her, as well as any family members she passes the phone to, before I die. The only problem is, I had an arrangement with a relative to drop off a few of my belongings with them before I go back home. I haven't responded to that relative's text about it, I don't want to see them before I go. They talk about my future a lot, that I should be in a relationship and should be doing more with my time. Don't get me wrong, they're truly amazing and incredibly kind to me and i love them, but I feel like it'll make me feel much, much worse and either make me not want to do it or make it much harder to do at the time. I also don't know I'd I'll have time for all that meeting and arranging and packaging up in those few days I have left. Do I just lie to my mother if she asks about it, say I never got the text but I'll call them right now/ I'm leaving things at my friend's? Or do I go along with the original plan and give some of my belongings to my relative?
5. Writing a note. I know this sounds bad, but I intend not to write it to my family and friends. Most of my friends know I've attempted before, and I think it will generally be obvious to people why I did it, as long as I can make sure somehow I'm clear it's not their fault. Generally I just want to set out that this was a suicide and my death won't need to be legally investigated
6. Should I say something to my friends before I go? As in, right before I go. So that, like I mentioned they know it wasn't their fault. (For my family I intend to maybe say this in the note - I feel like if they got a sudden message from my saying it wasn't their fault, they'd possibly feel more like it was in hindsight). I feel like it could also be nice to call and speak to a friend, but maybe not?
7. So every attempt I've ever made I've pussied out of, from not trying in the first place to thinking "oh fuck i cant do this" when it doesn't immediately take effect. Not to be too explicit, but my chosen method is painless and basically involves lying there waiting to go to sleep. But for a few minutes, I'm lying there, completely clear-headed, I start thinking about the life I've had, about my family, about how I could fix things. I start hearing music blasted from downstairs and I think "i dont want to die listening to that!" How do i stop my brain doing things like this and brave it through the first few minutes until I pass out?
8. Who is likely to discover my body and how long after I've been dead? What precautions should I take for their sake?
9. Die completely naked- I don't know why, this just seems helpful
10. Erase all my devices. Edit: also delete a few accounts and cancel any subscriptions
11. Will the police tell my family and friends it was a suicide, or will they just say it was an accidental death? I don't know why, but I kind of want them to know it was a suicide. I don't deserve it, but all this just feels pointless otherwise
12. I have a lot of overdraft debt, about -£700. I would usually get paid on 28 August and this would have flipped my balance over to about positive £500. But if I die, will that money still go into my account or could the company I work for just think oh she's dead, let's keep the money? I don't want to have the debt transferred to my parents or anything
13. Similiarly, will I have a funeral? Is a funeral mandatory when a person dies? I don't want one- I wouldn't mind, but I don't feel like I deserve to be remembered personally. On another note, I don't think my parents can afford that, and I dont want them to have to pay this
14. Anything else I should be thinking of?
