Venting Final Straw - best friend CTB had no idea

[FreeWilly]

My bf decided to CTB, I had no idea he was even in that mindset. He left a letter to his friends/family, wrote some people specifically, but I wasn't one of those people. I am realizing that he meant a lot more to me, than I did to him which is just embarrassing. Anyway, I've attempted multiple times in the past, but I'm ready for my final attempt and I am not willing to risk failing. It sounds like SN might be the best way, but I'm having such a hard time navigating this site to figure out how to do anything. My other attempts were pill swallowing 2x (so they are very careful about what they prescribe me), tried hanging 1x (the shower rode broke), and my timed text message to my ex alerted authorities so they intervened before I could find another location, and partial hanging after I found this site 1x. I was trying to get drunk enough to pass out for partial hanging, but I couldn't get Amazon to deliver me wine. I had notes all over my apt for the first responders because I didn't want them to be traumatized. All of may attempts have left me even more traumatized so I've been scared to try again. I want to be absolutely certain it will work.

I can't figure out how to search on here, and there's been people where I want to read more of what they've written, but it won't let me click their profile. I am so exhausted and so confused.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

I can't figure out how to search on here, and there's been people where I want to read more of what they've written, but it won't let me click their profile. I am so exhausted and so confused.

from what i've heard, the search function only becomes available once you've made a certain # of posts, & most users on here restrict their profile so that u can't access it unless you're following them.

 

[FreeWilly]

from what i've heard, the search function only becomes available once you've made a certain # of posts, & most users on here restrict their profile so that u can't access it unless you're following them.

I'm so confused by that. We're supposed to search to make sure something hasn't already been asked, but we can't search until we post? Not complaining just confused and exhausted.

 

[lament.]

There is a suicide resources compilation pinned above the posts to this section and there should be mega threads there too that you can access without use of the search bar. Members who have found sources to SN will most likely not share them with you since you are too new to the site / for ethical reasons.

 

[FreeWilly]

There is a suicide resources compilation pinned above the posts to this section and there should be mega threads there too that you can access without use of the search bar. Members who have found sources to SN will most likely not share them with you since you are too new to the site / for ethical reasons.

I've been here for several years, does it not show that? Or do you mean new like engaging with posts, etc.? Sigh.

 

[lament.]

I've been here for several years, does it not show that? Or do you mean new like engaging with posts, etc.? Sigh.

Ah I did not see you are not new, but yes I would imagine since you have had little interaction with posts people won't feel that comfortable sharing - but honestly most importantly people don't want their sources shutdown (if they are yet to buy for themselves) and again, ethical reasons.

Personally I don't have access to SN so I can't say whether or not I would be willing to share a source to someone in your situation, but I would have to assume most people would not. There are unfortunately people who enjoy coming on here and trying to get suicide resources shutdown with fake accounts and such.

I wish you the best.

 

[FreeWilly]

Ah I did not see you are not new, but yes I would imagine since you have had little interaction with posts people won't feel that comfortable sharing - but honestly most importantly people don't want their sources shutdown (if they are yet to buy for themselves) and again, ethical reasons.

Personally I don't have access to SN so I can't say whether or not I would be willing to share a source to someone in your situation, but I would have to assume most people would not. There are unfortunately people who enjoy coming on here and trying to get suicide resources shutdown with fake accounts and such.

I wish you the best.

Well I'm holding out hope, everyone has to get info from somewhere, if they didn't, no one would have it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it to be so extremely cruel how people have to struggle so much to die in the first place and cannot just have the option to cease existing in a peaceful, guaranteed way. I despise how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die and it really sounds like you've suffered a lot but anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[FreeWilly]

I find it to be so extremely cruel how people have to struggle so much to die in the first place and cannot just have the option to cease existing in a peaceful, guaranteed way. I despise how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die and it really sounds like you've suffered a lot but anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

Suffered for years and years and years. I've had several attempts that happened when I was upset, but now even when I'm calm and not depressed I'm still hoping and looking for a way out. I've successfully isolated myself, but now just need to rehome my dog. I really don't want to choose a super traumatic way out, I've actually been leaning into gentle and soft love for myself lately, so I don't really want to hurt myself, but I would love to cease existing

 

[Worndown]

New profiles are private the last year or so. You need to manually make them open.
Most people never think of that.

Too bad your BF wasn't more open. You could have taken that bus together.

 

[XINGBATAI]

My bf decided to CTB, I had no idea he was even in that mindset. He left a letter to his friends/family, wrote some people specifically, but I wasn't one of those people. I am realizing that he meant a lot more to me, than I did to him which is just embarrassing. Anyway, I've attempted multiple times in the past, but I'm ready for my final attempt and I am not willing to risk failing. It sounds like SN might be the best way, but I'm having such a hard time navigating this site to figure out how to do anything. My other attempts were pill swallowing 2x (so they are very careful about what they prescribe me), tried hanging 1x (the shower rode broke), and my timed text message to my ex alerted authorities so they intervened before I could find another location, and partial hanging after I found this site 1x. I was trying to get drunk enough to pass out for partial hanging, but I couldn't get Amazon to deliver me wine. I had notes all over my apt for the first responders because I didn't want them to be traumatized. All of may attempts have left me even more traumatized so I've been scared to try again. I want to be absolutely certain it will work.

I can't figure out how to search on here, and there's been people where I want to read more of what they've written, but it won't let me click their profile. I am so exhausted and so confused.

I'm not encouraging you to CTB, but there is a great short book called: "Dignified Dying - a Guide. Death at Your Bidding" by Boudewijn Chabot MD, Phd. He won an award for it in Sweden I believe, where assisted suicide is legal. He did extensive scientific research on the most pain free, efficient methods of CTB. You can find it if you search the title of the book followed by "pdf". It's an easy read, straight to the point, and has many options. It's worth a look if you think that CTB will ever be a possibility. I have it in case I ever decide to CTB, so at least I won't have to worry about suffering or being found before I'm beyond revival.

 

[itsover090]

I'm not encouraging you to CTB, but there is a great short book called: "Dignified Dying - a Guide. Death at Your Bidding" by Boudewijn Chabot MD, Phd. He won an award for it in Sweden I believe, where assisted suicide is legal. He did extensive scientific research on the most pain free, efficient methods of CTB. You can find it if you search the title of the book followed by "pdf". It's an easy read, straight to the point, and has many options. It's worth a look if you think that CTB will ever be a possibility. I have it in case I ever decide to CTB, so at least I won't have to worry about suffering or being found before I'm beyond revival.

Is there a method that isn't found here?

 

[XINGBATAI]

Is there a method that isn't found here?

I e only joined this site very recently. I was a lurker for a while, but only recently created an account. I haven't read the whole thing, but have looked over the contents. There is a method using a manual blood pressure cuff around the neck to construct the carotid and jugular that seems really promising.

I attached the table of contents. It should give you an idea of what it contains

 

[FreeWilly]

I'm not encouraging you to CTB, but there is a great short book called: "Dignified Dying - a Guide. Death at Your Bidding" by Boudewijn Chabot MD, Phd. He won an award for it in Sweden I believe, where assisted suicide is legal. He did extensive scientific research on the most pain free, efficient methods of CTB. You can find it if you search the title of the book followed by "pdf". It's an easy read, straight to the point, and has many options. It's worth a look if you think that CTB will ever be a possibility. I have it in case I ever decide to CTB, so at least I won't have to worry about suffering or being found before I'm beyond revival.

Thank you! I'm sincerely not interested in trying CTB unless I'll be successful. Trying and failing, has only ever made things worse. I'm pretty at peace with it, I just don't really have the energy to rehome my dog or develop a plan for my belongings etc. I know it's soon though. I have a psychiatry appt this week and I'm just trying to decide what to say to not tip her off that I'm in a bad place, I suck at lying.

New profiles are private the last year or so. You need to manually make them open.
Most people never think of that.

Too bad your BF wasn't more open. You could have taken that bus together.

Yeah I'm more upset he left me behind than I am he's gone, but I obliviously can't say that to anyone out loud in my real life so I'm just isolating until it's time.

I e only joined this site very recently. I was a lurker for a while, but only recently created an account. I haven't read the whole thing, but have looked over the contents. There is a method using a manual blood pressure cuff around the neck to construct the carotid and jugular that seems really promising.

I attached the table of contents. It should give you an idea of what it contains

Do you mind sending a link in private messages? I'm having a hard time locating it.

 

[Worndown]

How are you holding up?

 

[XINGBATAI]

Thank you! I'm sincerely not interested in trying CTB unless I'll be successful. Trying and failing, has only ever made things worse. I'm pretty at peace with it, I just don't really have the energy to rehome my dog or develop a plan for my belongings etc. I know it's soon though. I have a psychiatry appt this week and I'm just trying to decide what to say to not tip her off that I'm in a bad place, I suck at lying.

Yeah I'm more upset he left me behind than I am he's gone, but I obliviously can't say that to anyone out loud in my real life so I'm just isolating until it's time.

Do you mind sending a link in private messages? I'm having a hard time locating it.

I tried sending it through private message. I'm not sure if it worked as I'm new to the site