Venting Final sadness and too many thoughts

[reveriestarsx]

I've set a tentative date for ctb, which is sometime around a year and a half from now. Why such a long way ahead? Because there is one thing I refuse to die without having finished, and that's my book. I love writing and I want to publish a book or two before dying and giving myself a year and a half seems like enough time for me to finish my books. But there's just a few things that sadden me about having chosen a date. I'm glad I did, especially since one of the mental disorders I have is well known for causing the greatest amount of mental pain in any given individual and I really don't want to live like that. But I'll never be able to say I overcame my trauma. I'll never be able to say I died happy and fulfilled. I'll never be able to say my disorder didn't kill me. I'll never be able to say I finished university. I'll never be able to proudly hold up a degree. I'll never be able to look at my healed scars and decide to tattoo stars over them. I'll never be able to move in with someone I don't consider toxic. There are so many things I'll just never be able to say I was able to do, and that really sucks. While I have enough time to publish my books and feel fulfilled to a degree enough that I can ctb, I'll never die happily. I've always known I wouldn't live a long life due to my physical disabilities, it still sucks I won't be able to do it happily. I didn't want to do it and feel incomplete, or that I was running from my pain but well, here I am. At least I'll have published a book and I guess that makes me happy enough
The funniest part is that one of my books is almost a map to my life and now I'm planning on cutting it short, I guess that book will have to be shortened as well. Sorry, my lovely character.

 

[Gaga786]

Im so sorry that you have to suffer so endlessly. We all understand your pain. Please take care of yourself. Wishing you the best for your book and for your health. I really hope that your situation becomes better. Your post resonates with me because Im enduring the same scenario. I just feel like I have nothing to offer. Sending tons of love and support

 

[reveriestarsx]

Thanks ! It really sucks because I don't want to go to the mental hospital by talking about this with my counselor. She would be horrified to know I set a date.

 

[Gaga786]

Thanks ! It really sucks because I don't want to go to the mental hospital by talking about this with my counselor. She would be horrified to know I set a date.

You don't have to tell her that. if you feel you need help then you should seek it because it's your life that we're talking about. You are worthy of love and life. No one can take your unique spot away from this world. Whatever path you choose, make sure that you're at content with it. I would suggest trying to work the best on your book. Maybe it becomes a coping mechanism and would help you deal with life. Regardless, we are all here for you. Like you said, it's a long date we don't know what might happen by that time. I do understand that the fear of being admitted is valid and justified if you are against it. Im sorry if the advice is useless because im not of much use.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you've suffered so much in life, it undeniably is such a cruel world that we exist in but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Somnea]

Your post really resonated with me because I am in a similar situation. I set a potential date to CTB in three years, because I feel the need to finish the second part for my first book that I will publish in a view weeks. Finishing such a long term project does feel good sometimes.
Of course it always saddens me to hear that other writers also plan to leave this world. I sometimes wonder how many stories were never told due to Authors Suicide. But maybe this world never was worth their craft.
Anyway, I hope you find peace in whatever way you will take! Thank you for sharing part of your story with us.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I understand how you feel. Do you think those things are feasible at all to achieve in life? Because if you truly don't, then killing yourself doesn't really matter in that regard because you were never going to have those things anyways. That's only if you truly don't believe those things are possible because of course CTB eliminates any chance of having them.

 

[SuzukiSquid]

> The funniest part is that one of my books is almost a map to my life and now I'm planning on cutting it short, I guess that book will have to be shortened as well.

Why you gotta choose the saddest way to say that



Also that pfp is beautiful btw if you dont mind me saying

 

[reveriestarsx]

I'm sorry that you've suffered so much in life, it undeniably is such a cruel world that we exist in but anyway I wish you the best.

Thanks :)
I was going to live with a friend that I consider to be one of the kindest people I've ever met. But with my CTB date being in a year and a half, we'll never be able to do it. Also, my scars finally are looking closed. I think I really did start to heal and to move past my trauma but jut life itself isn't worth living for me, I guess.

> The funniest part is that one of my books is almost a map to my life and now I'm planning on cutting it short, I guess that book will have to be shortened as well.

Why you gotta choose the saddest way to say that



Also that pfp is beautiful btw if you dont mind me saying

Thanksss I agree, my pfp is nice. And sad ways of saying things is the way of every writer...

 

[Green Destiny]

I'm glad to hear that you plan on publishing your books. Wish I had the same commitment because I would love the write stories but I am terrible with grammar, writing story plots and a bunch of other things. I just don't possess the mind for intricate story telling. Could you tell me the title of your books? If you don't feel comfortable sharing that's fine as well.