based on my training and career life for the past 30 years, everything i do must be planned thoroughly to the final details and decisions have to be made after careful consideration of all factors. well, i made the decision to ctb on my 50th birthday on 1 october 2023. now, it is 4 months away finally. it feels exciting, like any other project which you look forward to for the final execution or completion. i bought sn and strong rope sometimes back, so all is set as for methods. tomorrow i'm moving into a new town because i want to engage in debauchery for the remaining days-just get drunk, endless nightclubbing and generally get my body wasted(there is some kind of regret dying when you are in such a good physical shape, so i want to my body to get a real beating before i discard it- it's only fair to the body). moving into a new town will make it easy to have drastic behaviour change without anyone noticing the change and getting suspicious that i have given up on life. there will also be nobody who has known me for a long time coming to my home to view my dead body and going through my stuff and generally making a scene of my death. chances are, if i die in a strange town, only the police will come and pick my body and take it to the mortuary. i wanted to go to another country, but the rules and paperwork to give me a 6 month residence is too much to be able to comply as they require that i get a job there or show proof of employment for any stays more than 3 months.
anyway, writing about it here at sasu makes it bearable and an ok thing to do. because when a person has had enough and fed up with life- been fed up for as lng as i remember and tried offing myself at 16 but never worked besides being the only thing most people remember about me. the school kid who tried to kill himself by drinking insecticides. oh, the reason i wanted to kill myself back then was because i had brought a girl i loved to spend a night with me. i was living in a small town back then. so, when the girl did not show up at her home, her parents started a search by informing the police and the local administration. sot he search was on all night. and almost the whole town knew she was missing. nothing happened there, so that was a big deal news and interest.
unknown to me, the news had reached my family. so, the following day, when the girl was leaving to go to school, my sister and my neighbours saw her leaving our home. they told my mother. she went berserk. she beat the shit out of me. she strangled me. i couldn't beat her or defend myself. it was such a spectacle as all my neighbours and the police came to witness the commotion. the police station was just next door, separated by the main town road., like 70 m away.
so, the biggest news of our town those two days was me and my girlfriend.
to cut a long story short, the girl was expelled from school, as the news had reached the school- she must have suffered immensely because she hanged herself before noon that same day.
when the news of her death came to me, i decided to kill myself too- i don't know why i decided to take insecticides and not simply hang myself. the insecticides didn't work. i only got sick and put on on a regimen of stuff they were putting on my veins for 3 days. they brought the local priest, school principal, the local police boss, the town elders and family friends to forgive me for my actions. they all condemned me for causing the death of the girl, or being misbehaved, of going to hell, of bringing shame to my family, of being an evil boy who needed salvation through the blood of jesus.
then i became a christian. i got saved. i started reading the bible and believing strange stuff, like the world was ending, and reading and going to christian crusades so that my sins would be forgiven. most memorable was reinhard bonke crusades and some wierd stuff.
then it downed on me, i did nothing wrong. i was just a boy who loved a girl. neither did the girl do anything wrong. - my mum always hated me- i was her mistake- gave birth to me at 16.
to cut a long story short- after the disillusionment with christianity, i joined another religion- eckankar, by some usa embassy staff. they showed me lots of understanding and love. and was also a member of the theosophy associations- all in search of meaning. i was still living in the small town, but they would cater for my expenses for meetings, talks, etc.
so, the search for meaning ensued- thinking back, the only meaning i have ever sought was why society had to make a girl kill herself for simply being in love and happy.
then, i went to the university in the capital city. a big city. then my thought patterns changed. indocrination and programming started. before i knew it, i had got completely indocrinated and programmed to get good grades, good job, wife, kids, etc. 5 years after graduating, i had all that. then, some emptiness set in. so, i wanted more and more. took big loans, financed the dream, etc. 2 boys down the road, my wife decided she wanted everything for herself. she divorced me, took my home.., then i found alcohol. - the world is tilted against men. a woman can can to court and have the kids and the family home.- bad laws. some women in my country abuse that provision in law..., and they know how to look for friendly courts presided by women judges.
anyway, so i lost everything and discovered alcohol.
then along the line. i met several women- married some, had kids, etc.
then decided its about time i joined my 15 year old girlfriend whose only mistake was to fall in love. thinking back, it's what i should have done over 30 years ago.
anyway, writing about it here at sasu makes it bearable and an ok thing to do. because when a person has had enough and fed up with life- been fed up for as lng as i remember and tried offing myself at 16 but never worked besides being the only thing most people remember about me. the school kid who tried to kill himself by drinking insecticides. oh, the reason i wanted to kill myself back then was because i had brought a girl i loved to spend a night with me. i was living in a small town back then. so, when the girl did not show up at her home, her parents started a search by informing the police and the local administration. sot he search was on all night. and almost the whole town knew she was missing. nothing happened there, so that was a big deal news and interest.
unknown to me, the news had reached my family. so, the following day, when the girl was leaving to go to school, my sister and my neighbours saw her leaving our home. they told my mother. she went berserk. she beat the shit out of me. she strangled me. i couldn't beat her or defend myself. it was such a spectacle as all my neighbours and the police came to witness the commotion. the police station was just next door, separated by the main town road., like 70 m away.
so, the biggest news of our town those two days was me and my girlfriend.
to cut a long story short, the girl was expelled from school, as the news had reached the school- she must have suffered immensely because she hanged herself before noon that same day.
when the news of her death came to me, i decided to kill myself too- i don't know why i decided to take insecticides and not simply hang myself. the insecticides didn't work. i only got sick and put on on a regimen of stuff they were putting on my veins for 3 days. they brought the local priest, school principal, the local police boss, the town elders and family friends to forgive me for my actions. they all condemned me for causing the death of the girl, or being misbehaved, of going to hell, of bringing shame to my family, of being an evil boy who needed salvation through the blood of jesus.
then i became a christian. i got saved. i started reading the bible and believing strange stuff, like the world was ending, and reading and going to christian crusades so that my sins would be forgiven. most memorable was reinhard bonke crusades and some wierd stuff.
then it downed on me, i did nothing wrong. i was just a boy who loved a girl. neither did the girl do anything wrong. - my mum always hated me- i was her mistake- gave birth to me at 16.
to cut a long story short- after the disillusionment with christianity, i joined another religion- eckankar, by some usa embassy staff. they showed me lots of understanding and love. and was also a member of the theosophy associations- all in search of meaning. i was still living in the small town, but they would cater for my expenses for meetings, talks, etc.
so, the search for meaning ensued- thinking back, the only meaning i have ever sought was why society had to make a girl kill herself for simply being in love and happy.
then, i went to the university in the capital city. a big city. then my thought patterns changed. indocrination and programming started. before i knew it, i had got completely indocrinated and programmed to get good grades, good job, wife, kids, etc. 5 years after graduating, i had all that. then, some emptiness set in. so, i wanted more and more. took big loans, financed the dream, etc. 2 boys down the road, my wife decided she wanted everything for herself. she divorced me, took my home.., then i found alcohol. - the world is tilted against men. a woman can can to court and have the kids and the family home.- bad laws. some women in my country abuse that provision in law..., and they know how to look for friendly courts presided by women judges.
anyway, so i lost everything and discovered alcohol.
then along the line. i met several women- married some, had kids, etc.
then decided its about time i joined my 15 year old girlfriend whose only mistake was to fall in love. thinking back, it's what i should have done over 30 years ago.
