Venting Final Act of Self Love, and Angry outside of it

[OuijaBored]

I'm so angry, I feel like everyone gets to CTB but me. I've felt this way for a long time, the first person I knew to CTB was a childhood friend of mine. They were 16 upon CTB. I could never fathom how they managed it, because I could only dream of it.

My SI is so high with these things. A night I OD'd on a fuckload of X, and somehow managed to "resurrect" without going down the drain as I circled it. It wasn't my time, because I wasn't I'm control. That one wasn't even intentional, but probably by far the closest I've come. It was terrifying, numbing, then peaceful. I berate my brain for saying "come on, let's get up", because maybe if it hadn't, I would've passed in that bathtub and not suffer for a near decade afterwards.

I'm angry, because how did I know someone who CTB at about 13? How on earth did she do it? I wrack my brains often about how the both of them managed to do what they did. Both hanging, and everytime I try I fail. I panick. I don't want to be in pain. I've picked the wrong time. It hurts. I'm afraid.

In every conversation where CTB gets brought up, someone says "we'll if a person is actually suicidal, then they'll do it. You only do it if you actually are."

So why am I still here? Seething over the fact that I think about it every single fucking hour of every single fucking day and still not able to?

Because, morbidly and funnily enough, the self help and therapy over the years did nothing but teach me one thing; 'It's not my fault, I don't deserve pain'.

The final act of love I will ever commit will be to myself. A lifetime of existing as other people's punching bag, a lifetime of love spent on others and not an ounce back to me in anyway will end with me finally loving myself enough to choose and use the least painful method I can. Even if that means having to live it out so I can afford in a few years. And I don't worry about changing my mind. I haven't changed my mind since my first damn attempt. Nothing changes my mind.

 

[goofy]

you're still here cause you have unfinished business.

 

[OuijaBored]

you're still here cause you have unfinished business.

Love to see my favourite movie quoted back at me, but I don't have unfinished buisness. My unfinished buisness is not being dead.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am envious of all those who have passed away as they are free from suffering. It makes ctb sound easy when I hear of those who have succeeded but in reality it really is very difficult. I have never attempted hanging because of the fear of failure and it sounds like a horrible way to leave this world. I think that if it was easier to leave I would already be gone. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Red Scare]

"well if a person is actually suicidal, then they'll do it. You only do it if you actually are."

Well, it's kind of true.

Dying is easy, it's living that is hard.

The human body is a frail thing.

Once you become determined to die, it's really not that hard.

 

[OuijaBored]

I've had too many failed attempts, it's put me off because I don't want to fail and suffer the consequences of it. I'm exceedingly resilient beyond all rational at this point it seems like. I'm trying to figure out a good plan with what I've got. I don't have the money or resources for more reliable methods, my living situation makes it difficult to do anything, and I'm constantly stuck whenever I do have a decent plan, because further research always blows it out of the water.

 

[Freedomindeath4me]

Once you become determined to die, it's really not that hard.

Are you a troll? Yes, yes it is hard. Why do you think people are spending obscene sums on nebutal. SI is very powerful.

 

[Red Scare]

Are you a troll? Yes, yes it is hard. Why do you think people are spending obscene sums on nebutal. SI is very powerful.

What does ability to spend the money or not have to do with willingness to drink it?

If it were free, it would make it even easier. If someone is determined, they'll get the money. Plenty of people here have.

 

[Freedomindeath4me]

What does ability to spend the money or not have to do with willingness to drink it?

If it were free, it would make it even easier. If someone is determined, they'll get the money. Plenty of people here have.

The comment you responded to was about perceptions of suicide in the general world. The vast majority of suicidal people do not know about N and the vast majority of those who succeeded did not use N. For most suicidal people N is not essentially not an option. The knowledge we have is an anomaly. So the methods possible in practice for most people require overcoming SI. Saying that the people who really wanted to die but didn't must not have really wanted to die is bullshit because the methods available to most require a certain amount of determination and overcoming SI.

 

[Red Scare]

The comment you responded to was about perceptions of suicide in the general world. The vast majority of suicidal people do not know about N and the vast majority of those who succeeded did not use N. For most suicidal people N is not essentially not an option. The knowledge we have is an anomaly. So the methods possible in practice for most people require overcoming SI. Saying that the people who really wanted to die but didn't must not have really wanted to die is bullshit because the methods available to most require a certain amount of determination and overcoming SI.

You are only pointing out how easy it really is to commit suicide. You are right most people don't have access to N or even realize it is an option.

And yet they resort to even more gruesome methods, and succeed. They are determined to die.

 

[Freedomindeath4me]

You are only pointing out how easy it really is to commit suicide. You are right most people don't have access to N or even realize it is an option.

And yet they resort to even more gruesome methods, and succeed. They are determined to die.

Suicidality as a concept is not restricted to people who successfully commit suicide. It is a mental state. The vast majority of suicide attempts fail, you can look this up. Someone who tried and failed is not any less suicidal. Someone who couldn't wait any longer with the rope around their neck isn't any less suicidal. Someone hoping and planning to go through with but can't find favorable means is still suicidal. Completion of suicide is heavily dependent on SI. One person who successfully hangs and one who doesn't are not different in suicidality, the difference is SI.

 

[Red Scare]

Someone who tried and failed is not any less suicidal. Someone who couldn't wait any longer with the rope around their neck isn't any less suicidal.

Yeah, I never said that they weren't. Just because most attempts fail, doesn't mean they weren't suicidal. They were suicidal and somehow overcame their survival instinct, and for whatever reason it failed. By a rope breaking, by being found, by not taking enough drugs.

Someone hoping and planning to go through with but can't find favorable means is still suicidal.

There are plenty of means. Someone desperate will resort to anything, as we have seen people in psych wards do all manner of horrific things to resort to suicide, including banging their head against the wall.

Completion of suicide is heavily dependent on SI.

And yet plenty of people overcome their survival instinct to commit suicide, when they feel they have no other option. In that moment, it doesn't seem to hold them back. They are resolute on killing themselves. If people on this site are toying with the idea of suicidal ideation, and they find themselves unable to overcome their fears, or their anxieties, then they clearly are not ready to commit to the act. That is not a bad thing.

One person who successfully hangs and one who doesn't are not different in suicidality, the difference is SI.

I don't necessarily think so. Someone who is found before they died, obviously overcame their survival instinct enough to go through with it in the moment, they can't control that someone found them... unless they specifically expected/wanted to be found in a time frame before they died, in which case it seems more like a plea for help. But they still take that gamble that they will be found or not.

 

[OuijaBored]

Yeah, I never said that they weren't. Just because most attempts fail, doesn't mean they weren't suicidal. They were suicidal and somehow overcame their survival instinct, and for whatever reason it failed. By a rope breaking, by being found, by not taking enough drugs.

There are plenty of means. Someone desperate will resort to anything, as we have seen people in psych wards do all manner of horrific things to resort to suicide, including banging their head against the wall.

And yet plenty of people overcome their survival instinct to commit suicide, when they feel they have no other option. In that moment, it doesn't seem to hold them back. They are resolute on killing themselves. If people on this site are toying with the idea of suicidal ideation, and they find themselves unable to overcome their fears, or their anxieties, then they clearly are not ready to commit to the act. That is not a bad thing.

I don't necessarily think so. Someone who is found before they died, obviously overcame their survival instinct enough to go through with it in the moment, they can't control that someone found them... unless they specifically expected/wanted to be found in a time frame before they died, in which case it seems more like a plea for help. But they still take that gamble that they will be found or not.

I've gone down the headbanging route, and now have a potential for a fractured skull. I've been desperate, but desperation leads to potential failure, and I cannot live with anymore consequences of my failed actions.

I get where you're coming from, but I made the OP and this is just leaving me feeling guilty and worthless for not being about to overcome SI....

Some bodies are more resilient than others, and I cannot afford N. I do not have the means to afford N right now. Im in a difficult place and a lot of my options are out of my control, which is even a worse feeling. It's even more difficult when you add in the fact that I'm so damn tired from being alive, that making attempts is exhausting. I've gone almost beyond making an effort, and that feels 10x worse.