Venting Fighting Myself

[Malletboy]

I feel like I'm having this grand internal battle. When I'm okay, I'm a very cheery optimist who sees the world as something to be crafted at my will. When I'm fucking depressed it's the opposite and i become extremely cynical.

My meds have stopped working the way they should and I feel too embarrassed to return to my psychiatrist and therapist.I feel like I'm constantly fighting myself - regular me vs depressed me. I'm tired of the battle and I'm so close to letting depression win. Whenever I'm in a depressive episode I'm dead set on killing myself. It's something that I KNOW will happen. When I'm out of an episode I'm optimistic about the future. But the episodes occur more often and longer than they used to since my meds stopped working consistently.

Idk- I think deep down I truly want to be done with this. There's a small part that's fighting for me to continue living and on those days I feel normal. But the suicidal tendencies are soooo much louder and seem to make so much more sense.

I don't even know what the point of this post was about. I just know I needed to tell someone what the hell is going on. And no one irl would understand nor continue thinking I'm sane after hearing such things.

 

[Death Standing]

There's nothing insane about depression and suicide. It's part of life for a lot of people. Whether they acknowledge it or not.

Depression really is just a mental imbalance in the brain. Suicide just tags along with depression (sometimes).
Fighting it though, is probably one of the hardest struggles (in my opinion) anyone can face.

I can see how you might think seeing your psychiatrist and therapist again would be embarrassing but I still see mine and I stopped going to my current psychiatrist and my old therapist last year and then jumped back into it.

Personally, I feel like if you're at least showing to people around you that you were trying to get better, then they may not take your death as harshly. It will almost make more sense to them and they may not accept it but it will be less of a surprise.

I'm in the same boat though. Life looks good until something changes and that loud voice comes roaring back, telling me that I shouldn't keep fighting. That's where I'm at basically everyday, especially in the last week.

I cheated on a girl I was in love with a little over two months ago. Acceptance for the situation has finally set in but there's a still a huge tear in my heart. And I've come to the realization that a lot of people would be better off without me around (in the long run). For her, it might hurt her at first when she realizes I offed myself but eventually she'll come to terms with the fact that I'm no longer here and truly be free of me. It just sucks knowing I destroyed a perfect relationship and hurt her.

But we "live and learn" right? Anyways, I hope I helped in someway. Keep me posted

 

[Sweet emotion]

I feel like I'm having this grand internal battle. When I'm okay, I'm a very cheery optimist who sees the world as something to be crafted at my will. When I'm fucking depressed it's the opposite and i become extremely cynical.

My meds have stopped working the way they should and I feel too embarrassed to return to my psychiatrist and therapist.I feel like I'm constantly fighting myself - regular me vs depressed me. I'm tired of the battle and I'm so close to letting depression win. Whenever I'm in a depressive episode I'm dead set on killing myself. It's something that I KNOW will happen. When I'm out of an episode I'm optimistic about the future. But the episodes occur more often and longer than they used to since my meds stopped working consistently.

Idk- I think deep down I truly want to be done with this. There's a small part that's fighting for me to continue living and on those days I feel normal. But the suicidal tendencies are soooo much louder and seem to make so much more sense.

I don't even know what the point of this post was about. I just know I needed to tell someone what the hell is going on. And no one irl would understand nor continue thinking I'm sane after hearing such things.

I can completely relate to you and it's awful. I have really bad OCD so it always seems like my brain is fighting me. Like I'm always having a mental battle with myself. I'll go back and forth in my head. I'll replay situations over and over. And Because I'm also physically ill with a chronic pain condition, the simplest things are hard and painful for me to do. So for example when I shower I have to make sure it's at night when no one is doing anything loud yardwork outside. I have to make sure not to burn my scalp. It's a nerve condition. And if I do something wrong I'll have an argument with myself in my head about how I'm messed up and can never do anything right.

I would definitely try to go back to the shrink and therapist. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. That is their job and I'm sure they've heard your story before. Let them help you if they can.