babylxlah
New Member
- Feb 6, 2026
- 2
i have therapy tomorrow.
i am actively planning ctb.
ive been fighting so hard for my whole life i genuinely don't know if i can keep fighting. part of me longs to just go crazy. ruin everything, hurt everyone. my life is already so messed up and im already so isolated and alone it's hard to fathom continuing on, to accept that one of my options is to keep trying, keep going, that it will never stop.
i have therapy tomorrow and i'm scared. what if i cant be fixed? what if i CAN be fixed but in the process I destroy everything I have left. Even if i get better, there's a chance that the people I've hurt, and the pain ive carried and caused will never go away. what if i cant stave off the guilt, shame, loneliness, isolation. what if i cant life knowing everyone around me walks on eggshells, that the people i know will never see me as normal again, or stable again, how am I supposed to live knowing i have to carry everything about my past into the future, with no visible end in sight.
i am actively planning ctb and im scared. the idea of the people around me hurting in my absence upsets me, i know when im dead i wont care, so the guilt wont be for any reason - but what if im wrong? what if i carry that selfishness into death, what if there is no peace, no release, no final battle? will my death save my sister from my parents? i'd die a thousand times to do that for her. will my absence allow my husband to heal? i'd kill myself right now if i knew he would finally be free. what if i fail? if i don't succeed i will be more alone then ever.
I'm fighting so hard for something i dont even know will get better.
who is going to win?
i am actively planning ctb.
ive been fighting so hard for my whole life i genuinely don't know if i can keep fighting. part of me longs to just go crazy. ruin everything, hurt everyone. my life is already so messed up and im already so isolated and alone it's hard to fathom continuing on, to accept that one of my options is to keep trying, keep going, that it will never stop.
i have therapy tomorrow and i'm scared. what if i cant be fixed? what if i CAN be fixed but in the process I destroy everything I have left. Even if i get better, there's a chance that the people I've hurt, and the pain ive carried and caused will never go away. what if i cant stave off the guilt, shame, loneliness, isolation. what if i cant life knowing everyone around me walks on eggshells, that the people i know will never see me as normal again, or stable again, how am I supposed to live knowing i have to carry everything about my past into the future, with no visible end in sight.
i am actively planning ctb and im scared. the idea of the people around me hurting in my absence upsets me, i know when im dead i wont care, so the guilt wont be for any reason - but what if im wrong? what if i carry that selfishness into death, what if there is no peace, no release, no final battle? will my death save my sister from my parents? i'd die a thousand times to do that for her. will my absence allow my husband to heal? i'd kill myself right now if i knew he would finally be free. what if i fail? if i don't succeed i will be more alone then ever.
I'm fighting so hard for something i dont even know will get better.
who is going to win?
