etherealgoddess
perseverance is inevitable success
- Dec 8, 2022
- 189
I feel so shocked. I really saw us getting married in a couple of years and having children. We were both even talking about it. And now, when his depression hits the spur of the moment, he's firm about breaking up. I really miss having my best friend. I could talk about anything with him. I'm now having to find new alternatives. I obviously do not want to stay very close friends after the break up when my top priority is to get over him. I just know that when he comes home from long distance, he's going to want to meet, but I don't want to. I need to fully get over him. He still wants to be friends. I blocked him on everything except for text because I just don't want to be reminded of him. That's what I did with my ex, and I got over him really fast.
Also, if you aren't spiritual, you won't understand this. But I think at one point, I got really bored of him and prayed that he would leave me because I felt so much guilt to do it myself. And I really think that maybe that prayer was what changed everything. I don't know if it was for the better or for the worse. Because before that, I had prayed about us being together and having children. My mom has literal vivid visions, and she could see my ex-mother-in-law standing in a room in her house (she described the entire room in so much detail yet she's never even seen the room in real life) and kids running around in the background as if it was my mom talking to my ex-mother-in-law. It was pretty obviously a reading about the future that had been manifested that way. If you're not spiritual, don't mind what I said.
I know that I do want more than what he could. And this break up will be worth it. And I think I will survive it. You know shit hurts when you eat all your favorite comfort foods but can't distract yourself from the emptiness. I can't enjoy myself at all right now unless I'm fully distracted. And ugh... it's all for the better. But I think maybe I could have done something to make it better? Maybe it could have worked? It's just so much to deal with.
I just know time is going to be the biggest thing for healing because all those memories come to the surface about the first date and little memories of the beginning of the relationship, the middle, the end... the happy moments. But when I look at my ex's from before that, I can't remember a thing. They're so far away and vague that I can't even feel anything for it. It honestly eats me up inside to know that all those memories are going to have to fade from my memory before I finally move on. Honestly, I think I'll just write them down because I just want to remember them but not remember them consciously. It hurts so bad. It's not the crazy depression sobs but like a heavy backpack of feeling empty. I feel so much less energy and no motivation to do the activities I used to do.
Also, if you aren't spiritual, you won't understand this. But I think at one point, I got really bored of him and prayed that he would leave me because I felt so much guilt to do it myself. And I really think that maybe that prayer was what changed everything. I don't know if it was for the better or for the worse. Because before that, I had prayed about us being together and having children. My mom has literal vivid visions, and she could see my ex-mother-in-law standing in a room in her house (she described the entire room in so much detail yet she's never even seen the room in real life) and kids running around in the background as if it was my mom talking to my ex-mother-in-law. It was pretty obviously a reading about the future that had been manifested that way. If you're not spiritual, don't mind what I said.
I know that I do want more than what he could. And this break up will be worth it. And I think I will survive it. You know shit hurts when you eat all your favorite comfort foods but can't distract yourself from the emptiness. I can't enjoy myself at all right now unless I'm fully distracted. And ugh... it's all for the better. But I think maybe I could have done something to make it better? Maybe it could have worked? It's just so much to deal with.
I just know time is going to be the biggest thing for healing because all those memories come to the surface about the first date and little memories of the beginning of the relationship, the middle, the end... the happy moments. But when I look at my ex's from before that, I can't remember a thing. They're so far away and vague that I can't even feel anything for it. It honestly eats me up inside to know that all those memories are going to have to fade from my memory before I finally move on. Honestly, I think I'll just write them down because I just want to remember them but not remember them consciously. It hurts so bad. It's not the crazy depression sobs but like a heavy backpack of feeling empty. I feel so much less energy and no motivation to do the activities I used to do.
