Felt the itch to CTB

[catmom13]

Today I took the day off work started actively researching feverishly and made some rough plans to CTB. I don't think it's time yet, but if I get a hold of what I need, I would probably do it on an impulse. It ranged from looking up plane tickets and hotel rooms to lesser-known hiking trails in a nearby county. Heck, I even accessed the darknet and signed up for a marketplace.

I have a SO that I don't live with and I've been subtly trying to tell him how I feel because I don't feel comfortable talking about SI. My code word is usually "I'm tired" or "I don't feel ok" but I don't think he's getting it. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't trust my psychiatrist or therapist. I can't risk a 5150 again.

I'm not in a good place mentally and I'm aware of it. I'm in a mixed state where I'm both extremely depressed and hypomanic. My usual coping mechanism is cutting(only to vent/feel pain, not CTB) and it's not working. As mentioned before, I don't think it's time for me to CTB yet. I do take my medications on time every day.

I'm mildly freaked out and I don't have anyone I trust IRL to talk to.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Im sure you can always talk openly here. Im sorry that he doesnt understand your situation so well, but cant blame him either. Most people wont notice our state of mind untill we either ctb or tell them directly, wich is counterproductive if you really want to ctb as you might be watched on every step.

How were you planing to ctb if i may ask? Ctb while hiking sounds nice and relaxing..

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I'm been a cutter for 21 years. I know how you feel. Never do it to ctb except once and I got 302 stitches. But I don't get any relief unless I get many stitches ugh

 

[catmom13]

Im sure you can always talk openly here. Im sorry that he doesnt understand your situation so well, but cant blame him either. Most people wont notice our state of mind untill we either ctb or tell them directly, wich is counterproductive if you really want to ctb as you might be watched on every step.

How were you planing to ctb if i may ask? Ctb while hiking sounds nice and relaxing..

I have several plans.

1. Take the bus to the Golden Gate Bridge and just jump backwards off the railings to ensure I go down head first and minimize survival.
2. Rent a nice hotel room out of town, take something, leave notes for the hospitality crew to call 911 and not move forward so they won't see my body(hopefully).
3. Take a nice hike in a large park, find a slightly less-traveled trail, find a spot to lie down, take something. It would be nice to have my last breaths in nature.

Currently I'm researching N, F(or H laced with F), or SN. Hanging was my preferred method of suicide actually, but it would be a very traumatic discovery. I'm very concerned about whoever discovers me. I

I'm been a cutter for 21 years. I know how you feel. Never do it to ctb except once and I got 302 stitches. But I don't get any relief unless I get many stitches ugh

I'm not at the stitches stage yet--I have been in a 5150 hold before and I'm terrified they'll hold me again if I show up to the ER with cuts. No one understands, even my therapist and psychiatrist, after trying to explain so many times, that I cut to vent and not to kill myself. They're so scared of "fucking up" at their job and having a dead patient that they fail to listen and understand that cutting is helping me survive.

I usually try to cut just deep enough to bleed but not enough to leave a scar but I've been careless lately and cut in visible areas in impulse. Wearing long sleeves in warm weather sucks. My current razors also kinda suck. I got a bulk pack from Amazon but it's not the right kind...if that makes sense.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

It all sounds good. Wish i had somewhere high enough to jump. I could hike but dont know how would i ctb outside in forest other then hanging. Still options are there

 

[TowerUpright]

I've thought about a park ,but I'm worried someone would find me. Are public trails often policed??

Sorry about your luck with psych professionals. I can't open up to them for the same reasons as you.

Wishing you well.

 

[glittergore]

Mixed states majorly suck, I've been there and I know that awful type of frenzied suicidality they give you. I usually cut during them too. Do you have any way to make your environment feel safer and calmer? I know that sometimes helps me.