Story felt like between life and death for a moment

[alexlondon365]

i made an outing today to a mountain cliff that was definitely high enough to leave this world, and it was a very strange experience.

already before i went there i knew i wouldn't go through with it after reading in this forum how si impacts people, and also because i really would rather not hurt 4 people very close to me.

still it was a bizarre moment i spent there, all by myself, the void before me and i knew if i jumped everything would end in an instant. there was no adrenaline, probably because i already knew i wouldn't jump, and for the first time in a very long time i almost felt completely at peace, just like it was before my story started.

i was standing there for a while and repeated the names of the people i don't wanna hurt in my mind, and after some time i left again, fully aware that tomorrow was gonna be another shitty day. of all the reactions i expected to this scenario, this was the most unexpected one.

not quite sure what to make of it all yet, any thoughts on this?

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

i made an outing today to a mountain cliff that was definitely high enough to leave this world, and it was a very strange experience.

already before i went there i knew i wouldn't go through with it after reading in this forum how si impacts people, and also because i really would rather not hurt 4 people very close to me.

still it was a bizarre moment i spent there, all by myself, the void before me and i knew if i jumped everything would end in an instant. there was no adrenaline, probably because i already knew i wouldn't jump, and i felt so much relieve just being there, i almost felt as normal for the first time as i did before my whole story started.

i was standing there for a while and repeated the names of the people i don't wanna hurt in my mind, and after some time i left again, fully aware that tomorrow was gonna be another shitty day.

not quite sure what to make of it all yet, any thoughts on this?

Would be terrifying to jump

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that many people feel relieved at the thought of dying as it is the end to all their pain. Just the fact that suicide is a very real possibility can be a comfort. In comparison to death, life seems so temporary and meaningless. Everything that is hurting us now will become insignificant when we die, so to me it makes sense why you felt that overwhelming feeling of relief when you were on the cliff. You had the choice to stay or leave and having a choice can be a relief, knowing that you are not forced to suffer.
I hope you find relief from suffering in whatever you decide to do and I wish you the best.

 

[Danjor88]

I'm not into jumping or anything that involves pain. I think I could manage to bring myself to do N, or Nitrogen, or SN (maybe).

But SI is bad enough without having to contemplate the pain/consequences of jumping or standing in front of a train, etc.

 

[alexlondon365]

I think that many people feel relieved at the thought of dying as it is the end to all their pain. Just the fact that suicide is a very real possibility can be a comfort. In comparison to death, life seems so temporary and meaningless. Everything that is hurting us now will become insignificant when we die, so to me it makes sense why you felt that overwhelming feeling of relief when you were on the cliff. You had the choice to stay or leave and having a choice can be a relief, knowing that you are not forced to suffer.
I hope you find relief from suffering in whatever you decide to do and I wish you the best.

thanks that is very kind of you, and your explanation makes a lot of sense.

 

[Smart No More]

You'll probably find this experience makes more sense to you over the coming days as you sleep on it and process it further.

There's definitely a kind of peace in fully accepting that we come to and end. Especially when it brings relief from suffering.

I couldn't jump although there was probably a point where I'd have done it to escape a period of intense painful suffering in the padt. I experienced a similar thing to you during the period I'm referring to. In my case it was a visit to train tracks to plan an attempt at beheading by train. I found a place to do it. Watched a few trains pass to work out if it was doable. It was but to do it I needed to hop a fence which I wouldn't have been able to get back over if I didn't go through with it. I sat on top of the fence. I knew I could just get down and wait foe the next train and be gone. I felt a really odd state of calm sitting there, like you described. Similarly I too didn't and don't want to hurt my loved ones and they are why I'm still here. I called a cab and went home. I felt a little by it as I just felt so fine with ending it (if it weren't for the impact on my loved ones) and it sank in over the following days that I may have to last this out longer than is ideal. The only solace being that I can end it if I want to. At some point that is.


Regarding the train method, I have since decided its a bad method. Doable but fraught with potential issues and would no doubt leave a mark on thise left behind. It's got to be a more peaceful method like N for me now but I still take relief (from the fear of further suffering) in the knowledge that I can leave when things pass ultimate breaking point.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I walked across a bridge near me once that people have successfully ctb from (and also failed). I didn't REALLY mean to do it that day. There was a park I intended to visit anyhow but I suppose I did want to see how high the barrier was and whether they had put up nets yet (which they have been planning). Also, how far down it really was and whether I thought I could do it. It was kind of an odd feeling really. I think I felt kind of reassured that it was a viable method but at the same time, the less than 100% success rate puts me off. I think I partly told myself it was a kind of recce although it probably wasn't as I'm still of two minds whether I could ever go through with any DIY form of ctb. Maybe I was testing myself!