passivethought121
Specialist
- Jun 11, 2023
- 323
Context: long story short I went to a panel related to my "dream" job (social work) and felt a slight desire to keep going so I could work in niche positions i learned about. It is my "dream" job because I often question if I really want to be one, or if I just needed one and this unmet need manifested as a career preference.
I hate this feeling. Misery is comforting and eventually becomes numb nothingness. With hope, I feel significantly different. When it goes away, I feel the significant difference. It's like holding bait to a creature and snatching it away. I would've been better off not being mocked with the bait in the first place.
And my decision to leave has been finalized. I have felt less worry these recent days for I know when it is and that the end is within the foreseeable future. I calm myself to the very ides of it. But if I fall for this bait, pursue this "dream", the end is murky. I will be living, surviving, suffering, wandering, for an unknown and lengthy amount of time.
I could always reschedule, but that involves a shift in plans, causing worry. I know exactly when, how, and likely where I'll CTB, but if I change the date to be years later, the factors change. I wouldn't attempt on impulse either, for the finality of a plan is comforting and I greatly fear failure.
I hate this feeling. Misery is comforting and eventually becomes numb nothingness. With hope, I feel significantly different. When it goes away, I feel the significant difference. It's like holding bait to a creature and snatching it away. I would've been better off not being mocked with the bait in the first place.
And my decision to leave has been finalized. I have felt less worry these recent days for I know when it is and that the end is within the foreseeable future. I calm myself to the very ides of it. But if I fall for this bait, pursue this "dream", the end is murky. I will be living, surviving, suffering, wandering, for an unknown and lengthy amount of time.
I could always reschedule, but that involves a shift in plans, causing worry. I know exactly when, how, and likely where I'll CTB, but if I change the date to be years later, the factors change. I wouldn't attempt on impulse either, for the finality of a plan is comforting and I greatly fear failure.
