Venting Fell off the recovery wagon..

[Garbage Person]

..and rolled into the bus stop. I really don't feel like I'm going to make it. I've been struggling to move forward with my plans of building myself in any manner. I got a job as a marijuana cultivator but feigned sickness on my second and third day due to my unwillingness to get out of bed. I just can't wage slave.

I really have no idea what I want anymore. I'd say I just want an early retirement with no scheduled life or structure, but I know that boredom will sink its fangs deeper into my skin. I've kept my disability case open as a "plan b", but even with a decent attorney, I have no guarantee and the wait is agonizing. I'd need part time work to stay afloat and even leaving my apartment just isn't for me anymore. I'm left with visions of grandiose achievements that could never actually be realized.

I feel I've done everything I could ever think of, and it all failed to meet expectations or inspire me to want more. When you're this dead inside and feel like life is a never ending waiting room full of old magazines serving as little reminders of the clown world you live in, I don't understand how you could long for anything other than release.

I've been sitting on nembutal and meto for a while, so at least it's at the ready. I keep hoping I'll find something to live for, or at least just be comfortable with simply floating along, but I have an overwhelming sensation that I've reached an impasse.

There's no point to this thread other than me sharing my worthless thoughts and feelings. It has not contributed anything and has been said before, but at least I feel less alone this way. Everything seems so grey. I've been encompassed by the lack of color, and it feels endless.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

You're a good writer. I relate to what you are saying. If only everything wasn't so grey.

 

[Garbage Person]

You're a good writer. I relate to what you are saying. If only everything wasn't so grey.

Thank you, I wish I had a passion for it. I wish I could see death as something profound that brings back the color, but I feel just as hopeless about death. It just seems to be wasting any bit of potential that I may have later encountered, essentially trading something for nothing. I don't really recognize the "something" lately, so maybe it's just breaking even, for me.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I just heard about a philosopher Phillip Mainlander (1841-1876). His Wikipedia page I sorta skimmed, but he was interesting in his ideas about Atheism etc. He worked some shitty jobs and ended it. I think he thought God killed themself. I don't know, but it was fairly interesting.

 

[suisuiforum]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I also can relate, because I seriously cannot imagine why most people are fine with working throughout most of their lives and then finally retiring, while both of those options are equally distasteful.

 

[Garbage Person]

I just heard about a philosopher Phillip Mainlander (1841-1876). His Wikipedia page I sorta skimmed, but he was interesting in his ideas about Atheism etc. He worked some shitty jobs and ended it. I think he thought God killed themself. I don't know, but it was fairly interesting.

Definitely sounds relatable, though I'd mostly consider myself passively agnostic. I have mixed opinions on religion as a whole, but the inability to prove or disprove any of it just immediately kills my interest. It's good that people can find things to give them hope, so I just try not to attack it or feel superior for my lack of beliefs. Good for the individual, questionable for a society since it's just one more thing to divide everyone.

@suisuiforum Likewise, I'm sorry you can relate. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'll never understand the common man's ability to settle for the life of a cog.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Well it's good to hear from you anyway. I'm a bit all over the place as you could probably tell from the recovery thread I posted (forgot about that). I also need part-time work but the amount of work to even get a shit job is almost too much, let alone regularly attending it. I too would no doubt very quickly feign sickness, either through just not being able to face it or through my unpredictable drunkenness. Because it is indeed a clown world that is almost impossible to get particularly excited by. I hear ya dude.

 

[Nolen]

This middle point of not being able to move forward towards something either life or death is truly agonizing. Your allegory of death being a rewardless trade for you is interesting it's hard to find value in death If there is the possibility that this life might have something to offer to you and that this trade of consciousness wasn't also fruitless.

 

[pulltheline]

your thoughts and feelings are absolutely not worthless. they are comforting in a way. it's nice to know it's not just me who it all fell apart for. i wish you all the best in your journey, no matter which path you take <3

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really can be painful, I'm sorry you are suffering so much. It can be hard to be in a hopeless situation, I understand that. Life in general is very disappointing. I wish you the best.

 

[Jumping_realms]

..and rolled into the bus stop. I really don't feel like I'm going to make it. I've been struggling to move forward with my plans of building myself in any manner. I got a job as a marijuana cultivator but feigned sickness on my second and third day due to my unwillingness to get out of bed. I just can't wage slave.

I really have no idea what I want anymore. I'd say I just want an early retirement with no scheduled life or structure, but I know that boredom will sink its fangs deeper into my skin. I've kept my disability case open as a "plan b", but even with a decent attorney, I have no guarantee and the wait is agonizing. I'd need part time work to stay afloat and even leaving my apartment just isn't for me anymore. I'm left with visions of grandiose achievements that could never actually be realized.

I feel I've done everything I could ever think of, and it all failed to meet expectations or inspire me to want more. When you're this dead inside and feel like life is a never ending waiting room full of old magazines serving as little reminders of the clown world you live in, I don't understand how you could long for anything other than release.

I've been sitting on nembutal and meto for a while, so at least it's at the ready. I keep hoping I'll find something to live for, or at least just be comfortable with simply floating along, but I have an overwhelming sensation that I've reached an impasse.

There's no point to this thread other than me sharing my worthless thoughts and feelings. It has not contributed anything and has been said before, but at least I feel less alone this way. Everything seems so grey. I've been encompassed by the lack of color, and it feels endless.

I'm not sure if you are in the US or not, but in trying for SSDI I have known people who were denied because they worked while they were filing for it. Not sure if that helps you.

It makes no sense really, because you can work part time on SSDI, but thats the government fo you.

 

[suisuiforum]

People often are forced to work and push themselves past their limits because SSDI isn't even enough to live on, but the government sees that as "WeLl YoU cAn WoRk So WhY dO yOu NeEd DiSaBiLiTy"