I'm so sorry you were abused so much. Men can be shit. I am one…I know.
My issues are PTSD, Severe General Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Bipolar Disorder and substance/alcohol abuse. I believe I have treatment resistant illness. I've been committed twice with another threat this week. I'm coming off of 3 days of mania. My SN is in transit. I would've today. I know this. I'm exhausted now.
But you; Do you realize he isn't good for you? I understand hoping beyond hope something isn't what it really is. I'm sure my wife has struggled with this.
Yeah, we were warned about creating relationships and exchanging contact information in lock up. AA recommends no relationships until a year of sobriety. I hesitate to give advice because you have to live it and I don't follow my own advice alot if the time.
What did you think when you wrote all of that about your partner? Does anything click or do you fight your own logic? I always try and think; "If my best friend was in my position, what would I tell them?"
But again, I wouldn't tell a friend to CTB but here I am.
That's okay. I born and grew up in a third world country. Abused child is very common there.
There were children suffering from starving when I was a child. People would think I was a very lucky one because I born in a morden city and my parents are not poor. I don't have any siblings and I was able to go to UK to study.
People usually think I am very lucky to have my husband.
He is guaranteed from a better university with 3 degrees. I only guaranteed from normal university with one degree.
He is a senior doctor. My wage is just above minimum wage.
He is an English white. I came from Far East.
People think I married him for money and assumed I am a mail ordered wife.
I stay with him not because he is good for me or I can take advantage of him. I knew he is not good for me and he knows as well. But we are very hard to separate.
I don't like to tell lies to people to make me like a very innocent girl. I am very far away from a perfect wife. And he is a not a complete twat/ass hole. There are lots of nice bits about him. He has bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder. I think he is autistic too which cause him not able to understand people very well. He was a abused child too and I think he has PTSD well. He miss use drugs and alcohol. Sometimes he will self harm too. But he truly wish I can recover from my illness and he is trying very hard. He used to pay for me to see a psychologist. And he want to take me to different city to see a different psychiatrist. He would took me to expensive restaurant and nice holidays even I never asked him to do that. He bought me a British short hair cat 2 years ago to help me with my illness and build cat garden in house.
Sometimes he feel sad and don't know if it's right to keep me. Deep down, he think I will be better with a different man. And he knew he never be a man who is good at talking. He feel bad that I feel very lonely in marriage. He does not mind if I have a boyfriend. (I don't have any other boyfriend, I don't like to deal with 2 man in same time)
He is also planing to take me to Canada so I can meet other Chinese too. Or at least take me a big city which I can feel less bored.
Sometimes I feel very bad, because I am the person buying drugs and alcohol for him. I feel he is much easier to deal when he was drunk and less shy. When he was drunk, he would say to me the things he will not say usually. Like he truly feel sorry to hurt me and treat me badly sometimes, but he could not control. And he should not leave me cry alone after arguments. But he is too shy to say anything.
And I also keep cover his illness for him. I knew I should ring to the crisis team or told his doctor.
Wrote here is really make me sad, because I know he does care about and it's really hurt him that I keep trying to suicide. He asked me " you would rather die than be with me?"
My husband is a psychiatrist and I worked as a support worker before. We are both trained to dealing with challenge behaviours and challenge situations. Even though, that's hard.
I can imagine it must be hard for your wife to handle your illness.
I don't know what happened to you exactly. But bipolar is not nice. And I can imagine it must caused lots of difficulty to you.
I can understand what you have ordered SN, I am thinking order mine as well.
However there are medication for bipolar disorder. I am not saying you should stay with medication just to be alive.
I don't know what's is your symptoms when you were ill. Some people will have delusions that everyone are against them. Or in a unusual "high happy" mood. But neither of them are nice and they can feel embraced after manic mood gone.
My PTSD caused me have desiccation and depersonalisation. I never able to recognise myself in a mirror. I don't feel that's me. When I was a child, I thought everyone feel that way.
I also have flash back. I am very insecure girl. I scared my husband will leave me for multiple reasons. I can imagine that must be hard for him.
I do feel I want to cut myself when I feel depressed but I don't want to other people such as my colleagues see my illness. So I do know how is like to feel if you have PTSD. The wildest things I ever did would be I slept with few boys that I only met once in night clubs.
I have told my husband all my illness and history before we started relationship. He did not run away that surprised me.
My friends had boyfriends or girlfriends who were not good for them too. Some is because the partner they got have mental illness. And lots of people with mental illness are not diagnosed by psychiatrist in China. I tried to explain to my friend that her boyfriend high likely has bipolar disorder and PTSD. He need to se psychiatrist but she didn't not understand me. Mental illness sounds like a different world to her. I usually will give my advice and option to my friends but will not telling them what to do. I will tell them I will always support them, one way or another. They are not going to lose my friendship because they don't follow my advice.
I don't have any friends who struggle with suicide thought. They have depression mood but not actually depression or PTSD.
Some people think I am so heartless because I cut contact with my parents completely.
My mother has frontal lobe damage and it make her to become an abuser. My father has narcissistic personality disorder. And I were very uncomfortable about his sexual behaviours and sexual joke when I was a kid or teenage.
I have no where to position these pain. And I will never go back to them no matter which direction I am going.
When I said, we don't get on and give some examples. People usually responded "every one grew up in this way, they love you and wish the best for you."
I feel language is powerless and I don't want to share too much details with people about my childhood life.
I do like this space because I can say the things that I usually can not say to anyone. And people here can understand without judgment.
I would not advice people to CTB if they don't come out that idea themselves and I think it could be a crime as well in certain situations.
But on the other hand, I think people should able to choose euthanasia in any time especially if they have untreatable illness. I tried to find if there is any organisation in uk support euthanasia with mental illness. Unfortunately its come out with negative result. I am still searching at movement.
. I lost everything but I was depressed when I had it all, too. My mind is broken. Bent on destroying me. I can relate to placing so much hope into something, hoping it's going to be it that pulls me out. It's gotta be something inside. The motherfucker in my head needs to change the story. But he's an asshole and his narrative is denigrating. I'm open to suggestions if anyone knows a trick to shut him up or change the tone. 
