I lost my home 5 months ago and had to move in with my sister. She can't have cats here so my cat is boarding with someone else and I haven't seen her in those 5 months. She was my only real reason for living. My reason to get up out of bed. I miss her greatly. I miss my home. I was already suicidal for decades before this happened. I've been looking for any other accommodation where I could finally reunite with my cat and have had zero luck. I fear I'm never going to find something. I can't afford a private rental and can't find a room for rent that will allow my cat to be there. My sister is getting sick of me being here. I feel like such a burden.
I want to die so badly but I really don't want to go without saying goodbye to my cat. I feel so trapped. I also feel so guilty about leaving my family behind. Especially the kids. The pain it'll cause them.
8 years ago I almost died by exsanguination. I was unfortunately found in time and survived after fluid resus, emergency surgery and many blood transfusions. I've never felt so calm or at peace as I did when I was bleeding out. A feeling I've tried to replicate for years with blood letting and, more recently, donating blood. It will never feel the same as it wasn't the blood loss that made me feel so good. It was the knowledge this nightmare would soon be over. Ever since I survived that attempt, I've felt like I'm in some sort of hell or purgatory. Life has only gotten worse. It did get better for a time. I finally escaped my abusive mother and was living independently. I felt so free. I wasn't happy, even then, but I was content. Covid ruined all that. I lost my place and got priced out of the housing market entirely. It feels like that period of contentment was just part of my punishment. To show me how good things could be before ripping it away. The anniversary of that attempt is this month. My suicidal ideation always peaks in July ever since. This year its especially high due to my situation. I feel so hopeless. Life doesn't feel worth living at all. I feel like I have no other option. I'm scared I'm going to act on these urges. I really don't want to miss the chance to say goodbye to my girl, my soul cat. I don't want to hurt my nieces and nephews. I really don't know what to do.
Sorry this is so long. I'm really struggling. Today was a bad day.
I want to die so badly but I really don't want to go without saying goodbye to my cat. I feel so trapped. I also feel so guilty about leaving my family behind. Especially the kids. The pain it'll cause them.
8 years ago I almost died by exsanguination. I was unfortunately found in time and survived after fluid resus, emergency surgery and many blood transfusions. I've never felt so calm or at peace as I did when I was bleeding out. A feeling I've tried to replicate for years with blood letting and, more recently, donating blood. It will never feel the same as it wasn't the blood loss that made me feel so good. It was the knowledge this nightmare would soon be over. Ever since I survived that attempt, I've felt like I'm in some sort of hell or purgatory. Life has only gotten worse. It did get better for a time. I finally escaped my abusive mother and was living independently. I felt so free. I wasn't happy, even then, but I was content. Covid ruined all that. I lost my place and got priced out of the housing market entirely. It feels like that period of contentment was just part of my punishment. To show me how good things could be before ripping it away. The anniversary of that attempt is this month. My suicidal ideation always peaks in July ever since. This year its especially high due to my situation. I feel so hopeless. Life doesn't feel worth living at all. I feel like I have no other option. I'm scared I'm going to act on these urges. I really don't want to miss the chance to say goodbye to my girl, my soul cat. I don't want to hurt my nieces and nephews. I really don't know what to do.
Sorry this is so long. I'm really struggling. Today was a bad day.
