I feel like Edward scissorhands trapped in a twilight zone.
I say things I dont think and think things I don't say.
Im so terrified of not being believed that I won't be believed.
I think I reached a critical mass of being put down.
When you get put down constantly by people at church, people at home, been bullied by family and kids at school, and when you try to do good but still upset people or are a burden because you don't have common sense. What's wrong with you? Don't you know how to do this or that? Where have you been in a cave? Yes actually. In a way. I lived in pretty extreme isolation and then was very sheltered and in a bubble. I seek out people to tell me what to do and think because I have no confidence in myself. I dont understand this world and it doesn't understand me. I'm too scared and feel not allowed to say how I really feel or what I really think. You're not allowed to say this. You're not allowed. You're not allowed to say empathic things. Even though you're a highly sensitive person.
I can make beautiful art and see everything around me as both beautiful and terrifying.
When you doubt yourself it is very easy to cause others to doubt you. And the fact that they are so quick to doubt you makes you doubt yourself even more. If you don't believe in yourself nobody else will. But what if you did believe in yourself but got so beaten up you broke. You broke not as bad as you would have people think. You're frame got broken one too many times. You're a good little puppy and have been well trained to take the blame. You worship and are quick to apologize. Everything is your fault. After all you're odd. You're ugly. You're not good enough. You're to blame.
It's like I have something written on my forehead that says, doormat. Please put me down. Please yell at me. Please abuse me. Please disrespect me. Please tell me horrible things. I'll take it. I'll just stand there and cry. Like a deer with headlights. I'll freeze. I'll say you must be right because otherwise you wouldn't have said anything. And when lots of people show disgust and disdain towards you and you don't understand why, then yeah how can one not break. And sometimes I start believing. Yeah I'm the worst person.
I've been told I was weird and strange ever since I can remember. You eat weird Fatter, you dress weird, you think weird. You're weird. You're an oddity that entertains and fascinates but is an acquired taste. And I remember fatter girls than me calling me fat and getting groups together to laugh at me. It's so confusing. Why is there a group of girls pointing and laughing and calling me names and especially when one of them is way fatter.
People tend to either love or hate me. I'm either beautiful to them or really ugly. I don't speak well and often get looked at like I'm an idiot. When I write I can show I don't have the i.q. of mayonnaise. People have a hard time following what I'm saying. I wanted badly to connect. I have several very meaningful friendships. But I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to come up for air.
Something happened to my brain and I get wonky and out of it. I dobt understand what I'm saying or thinking sometimes. I just feel horrible.
I can eperience great joy but then others feel bad that they don't feel that same level of joy. I had a less awful life than my sisters to which I feel guilty.
I apologize to furniture. I cry at the beauty of origami. I can pet my dog for hours and feel content and happy.
But I started feeling unsafe all the time after a car accident. I lost myself. I scared people. There is nothing worse in the world than seeing people you love whom you would never hurt scared of you and the fact that you scared them terrifies you and it's a vicious cycle. It's like in edward scissorhands. That feeling out of place. That needing a guide. Needing people to constantly tell you how things work. They are entertained by you but they don't respect you. You're a burden. You're odd. You don't do things right. You take the blame. You go to and fro. You're the seeds that are blown by the wind. Scattered. People pleaser. What's wrong with you?! Why don't you have self esteem?
I really resonate with that movie. He reached a tipping point and needed to go away back to his seclusion. Where he is safe.
I've thought about suicide ever since I was 14. Everyone I know well on my mother's side has been suicidal including her when she was 12.
I make things worse. I can't help. I'm not able to help anymore. I had 4 failed suicide attempts and it screwed up my brain.
I dont know what is up or down anymore. I'm tired of not being believed and then sabatoging myself when I start being believed. I self Sabatoge at an impressive meta level. One thing I do well. I over think and over analyze and then I become self conscious that I'm analyzing and then I question my reality to obscene levels. I see patterns that aren't there because I see things in such extremes. I do every calculation and every scenario and pick the worst possible ones and what's worse is I can get others to see those patterns. Then I realize wait that's not how I feel or that's not correct. But then I feel like I can't say anything. And I don't want to look like I'm trying. So I over complicate and just dig myself in deeper into a pit that was never there but became quicksand of my own imagination. And how do you stand up for yourself? I don't correct. I don't speak up. My Achilles heel, i don't speak up. I go with it.
It's incredibly easy to get people to think lowly and doubt you. And tge worst part, when you realize you are worthy aren't some horrible person. Who will believe you. When you lie about yourself how do you rectify that? Because then you just look worse. And oh you're a liar so why should you be trusted. But if you beat yourself up in extremes, I get it now that saying of be careful what you put out into the universe. I understand why robin Williams killed himself. You can bring everyone's attention to the pit that isn't there. And then everyone sinks into the quicksand and it's all your fault. And then you realize the depth of that quicksand. And how do you get out?
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Luckily you hsve a few people who know you. They know you're heart better than you do and they don't give up on you. But you're tired of trying to get out of quicksand. You're emotionally exhausted. All you know is fear and the trauma of making everyone doubt you and think youre crazy. You can't handle not being believed anymore. And you've been gaslighted so hard you've gaslighted yourself out of existence.
So yeah. I'm suicidal. I dont want to let God down or those that love me. But i am just going to screw everything up worse and worse. I liked me. I wish I hadn't gone crazy. I lost me
It's like I disappeared. And I don't know what to think. I had my frame broken twice. People who I think are safe are not safe and people I think are not safe are. Or somewhere in between. I can't tell anymore. I can't tell what's up or down. My instincts are wrong and make things worse for myself. Things are pretty ironic. thats when they are most scary. I've psyched myself out so much there isn't a brain left anymore. Second guessing everything all the time and then second guessing the second guessing.
I say things I dont think and think things I don't say.
Im so terrified of not being believed that I won't be believed.
I think I reached a critical mass of being put down.
When you get put down constantly by people at church, people at home, been bullied by family and kids at school, and when you try to do good but still upset people or are a burden because you don't have common sense. What's wrong with you? Don't you know how to do this or that? Where have you been in a cave? Yes actually. In a way. I lived in pretty extreme isolation and then was very sheltered and in a bubble. I seek out people to tell me what to do and think because I have no confidence in myself. I dont understand this world and it doesn't understand me. I'm too scared and feel not allowed to say how I really feel or what I really think. You're not allowed to say this. You're not allowed. You're not allowed to say empathic things. Even though you're a highly sensitive person.
I can make beautiful art and see everything around me as both beautiful and terrifying.
When you doubt yourself it is very easy to cause others to doubt you. And the fact that they are so quick to doubt you makes you doubt yourself even more. If you don't believe in yourself nobody else will. But what if you did believe in yourself but got so beaten up you broke. You broke not as bad as you would have people think. You're frame got broken one too many times. You're a good little puppy and have been well trained to take the blame. You worship and are quick to apologize. Everything is your fault. After all you're odd. You're ugly. You're not good enough. You're to blame.
It's like I have something written on my forehead that says, doormat. Please put me down. Please yell at me. Please abuse me. Please disrespect me. Please tell me horrible things. I'll take it. I'll just stand there and cry. Like a deer with headlights. I'll freeze. I'll say you must be right because otherwise you wouldn't have said anything. And when lots of people show disgust and disdain towards you and you don't understand why, then yeah how can one not break. And sometimes I start believing. Yeah I'm the worst person.
I've been told I was weird and strange ever since I can remember. You eat weird Fatter, you dress weird, you think weird. You're weird. You're an oddity that entertains and fascinates but is an acquired taste. And I remember fatter girls than me calling me fat and getting groups together to laugh at me. It's so confusing. Why is there a group of girls pointing and laughing and calling me names and especially when one of them is way fatter.
People tend to either love or hate me. I'm either beautiful to them or really ugly. I don't speak well and often get looked at like I'm an idiot. When I write I can show I don't have the i.q. of mayonnaise. People have a hard time following what I'm saying. I wanted badly to connect. I have several very meaningful friendships. But I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to come up for air.
Something happened to my brain and I get wonky and out of it. I dobt understand what I'm saying or thinking sometimes. I just feel horrible.
I can eperience great joy but then others feel bad that they don't feel that same level of joy. I had a less awful life than my sisters to which I feel guilty.
I apologize to furniture. I cry at the beauty of origami. I can pet my dog for hours and feel content and happy.
But I started feeling unsafe all the time after a car accident. I lost myself. I scared people. There is nothing worse in the world than seeing people you love whom you would never hurt scared of you and the fact that you scared them terrifies you and it's a vicious cycle. It's like in edward scissorhands. That feeling out of place. That needing a guide. Needing people to constantly tell you how things work. They are entertained by you but they don't respect you. You're a burden. You're odd. You don't do things right. You take the blame. You go to and fro. You're the seeds that are blown by the wind. Scattered. People pleaser. What's wrong with you?! Why don't you have self esteem?
I really resonate with that movie. He reached a tipping point and needed to go away back to his seclusion. Where he is safe.
I've thought about suicide ever since I was 14. Everyone I know well on my mother's side has been suicidal including her when she was 12.
I make things worse. I can't help. I'm not able to help anymore. I had 4 failed suicide attempts and it screwed up my brain.
I dont know what is up or down anymore. I'm tired of not being believed and then sabatoging myself when I start being believed. I self Sabatoge at an impressive meta level. One thing I do well. I over think and over analyze and then I become self conscious that I'm analyzing and then I question my reality to obscene levels. I see patterns that aren't there because I see things in such extremes. I do every calculation and every scenario and pick the worst possible ones and what's worse is I can get others to see those patterns. Then I realize wait that's not how I feel or that's not correct. But then I feel like I can't say anything. And I don't want to look like I'm trying. So I over complicate and just dig myself in deeper into a pit that was never there but became quicksand of my own imagination. And how do you stand up for yourself? I don't correct. I don't speak up. My Achilles heel, i don't speak up. I go with it.
It's incredibly easy to get people to think lowly and doubt you. And tge worst part, when you realize you are worthy aren't some horrible person. Who will believe you. When you lie about yourself how do you rectify that? Because then you just look worse. And oh you're a liar so why should you be trusted. But if you beat yourself up in extremes, I get it now that saying of be careful what you put out into the universe. I understand why robin Williams killed himself. You can bring everyone's attention to the pit that isn't there. And then everyone sinks into the quicksand and it's all your fault. And then you realize the depth of that quicksand. And how do you get out?
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Luckily you hsve a few people who know you. They know you're heart better than you do and they don't give up on you. But you're tired of trying to get out of quicksand. You're emotionally exhausted. All you know is fear and the trauma of making everyone doubt you and think youre crazy. You can't handle not being believed anymore. And you've been gaslighted so hard you've gaslighted yourself out of existence.
So yeah. I'm suicidal. I dont want to let God down or those that love me. But i am just going to screw everything up worse and worse. I liked me. I wish I hadn't gone crazy. I lost me
It's like I disappeared. And I don't know what to think. I had my frame broken twice. People who I think are safe are not safe and people I think are not safe are. Or somewhere in between. I can't tell anymore. I can't tell what's up or down. My instincts are wrong and make things worse for myself. Things are pretty ironic. thats when they are most scary. I've psyched myself out so much there isn't a brain left anymore. Second guessing everything all the time and then second guessing the second guessing.
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