Venting Feeling the need to prove something

[Abyssal]

Unless you successfully CTB you aren't suicidal enough for people to care. I could tell someone I spend every day fighting the voice in my head to keep moving forward, to get a goddamn paycheck, to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, to not have a breakdown in public and they would still only view me as a misguided npc, if they don't try and save me with it gets betters and think positives. Sometimes I can handle it, and even when I am hardly keeping it together I am able to fake it and keep moving. My body is so afraid to show others weakness because I know they won't believe I actually want to die.

Statistics say that most women who try to ctb fail. Furthermore, the chances that someone is suicidal in the first place are so low. I bet if I came out and said it I wouldn't be believed. Sometimes, even on here, I feel like people don't believe me when I tell the truth and it tears me apart. It's one thing to question whether or not there's any hope left for me, it is another to say the agony I've experienced since childhood isn't real and that I'm pretending to be suicidal.

If I don't successfully ctb then I will forever be that person who is depressed for attention. At least when I am gone I can die knowing that people will understand my pain was real all along. I want to be believed.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Unless you successfully CTB you aren't suicidal enough for people to care. I could tell someone I spend every day fighting the voice in my head to keep moving forward, to get a goddamn paycheck, to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, to not have a breakdown in public and they would still only view me as a misguided npc, if they don't try and save me with it gets betters and think positives. Sometimes I can handle it, and even when I am hardly keeping it together I am able to fake it and keep moving. My body is so afraid to show others weakness because I know they won't believe I actually want to die.

Statistics say that most women who try to ctb fail. Furthermore, the chances that someone is suicidal in the first place are so low. I bet if I came out and said it I wouldn't be believed. Sometimes, even on here, I feel like people don't believe me when I tell the truth and it tears me apart. It's one thing to question whether or not there's any hope left for me, it is another to say the agony I've experienced since childhood isn't real and that I'm pretending to be suicidal.

If I don't successfully ctb then I will forever be that person who is depressed for attention. At least when I am gone I can die knowing that people will understand my pain was real all along. I want to be believed.

I understand. I just told someone the other day that the only way a certain person in my life will believe I'm serious is when I'm dead. Then it will be to late to help. Until then I'm sure they think I'm just talking shit. So, I do understand where you are coming from.

 

[DoubleUp8]

I'm 70 now and I don't care what anyone says or believes. I got nothing to prove to anyone. My situation has become so horrible that I really need to die. On hunger strike now and eventually that will kill me. Would like to speed things up and trying not to drink fluids which is much harder but if I am able to refrain from drinking liquids it will go faster. I love telling mental health close minded suicide never justified assholes I plan to die by hunger strike tho cuz legally they can't stop me as hunger strike is constitutionally protected form of protest in America and actually something greater than a constitutional right in USA. Globally recognized as a human right. It drives the anti-suiciders crazy.

 

[lifewasawillowtv]

Unless you successfully CTB you aren't suicidal enough for people to care. I could tell someone I spend every day fighting the voice in my head to keep moving forward, to get a goddamn paycheck, to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, to not have a breakdown in public and they would still only view me as a misguided npc, if they don't try and save me with it gets betters and think positives. Sometimes I can handle it, and even when I am hardly keeping it together I am able to fake it and keep moving. My body is so afraid to show others weakness because I know they won't believe I actually want to die.

Statistics say that most women who try to ctb fail. Furthermore, the chances that someone is suicidal in the first place are so low. I bet if I came out and said it I wouldn't be believed. Sometimes, even on here, I feel like people don't believe me when I tell the truth and it tears me apart. It's one thing to question whether or not there's any hope left for me, it is another to say the agony I've experienced since childhood isn't real and that I'm pretending to be suicidal.

If I don't successfully ctb then I will forever be that person who is depressed for attention. At least when I am gone I can die knowing that people will understand my pain was real all along. I want to be believed.

I relate to everything you said. The number of times I've told ppl I'm going to end it and they just look at me like "okay and what do you want us to do about it?" Or even worse blame it on my hormones or something cus being a woman sucks ass. Feelings aren't taken seriously and are always brushed off as something to do with being "too sensitive" or "you're just being hormonal". The only way people will take it seriously will be when it's too little too late.

 

[jussaloser]

last time i told someone how i feel they called me edgy.
i dont feel any hate towards them but im curious what theyre gonna say when im gone.

 

[Sleeper System]

Unless you successfully CTB you aren't suicidal enough for people to care. I could tell someone I spend every day fighting the voice in my head to keep moving forward, to get a goddamn paycheck, to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, to not have a breakdown in public and they would still only view me as a misguided npc, if they don't try and save me with it gets betters and think positives. Sometimes I can handle it, and even when I am hardly keeping it together I am able to fake it and keep moving. My body is so afraid to show others weakness because I know they won't believe I actually want to die.

Statistics say that most women who try to ctb fail. Furthermore, the chances that someone is suicidal in the first place are so low. I bet if I came out and said it I wouldn't be believed. Sometimes, even on here, I feel like people don't believe me when I tell the truth and it tears me apart. It's one thing to question whether or not there's any hope left for me, it is another to say the agony I've experienced since childhood isn't real and that I'm pretending to be suicidal.

If I don't successfully ctb then I will forever be that person who is depressed for attention. At least when I am gone I can die knowing that people will understand my pain was real all along. I want to be believed.

A serious failed attempt could have an effect. CTB so other people can notice doesn't make sense to me though.

 

[breezeboy]

You are heard. Your pain is real. Telling someone of your pain doesn't really let them experience so it unless they have also felt that way the chances of them understanding are just low. Sometimes it's not even their fault they just genuinely cant relate.

Im curious if you openly tell people in real life about your plans?

 

[Abyssal]

A serious failed attempt could have an effect. CTB so other people can notice doesn't make sense to me though.

This is exactly what I am talking about. I just want to prove to people that my pain is real, but instead I fail to ctb and I am told I clearly didn't want to die. I do want to die! The pain I feel is real! Even here on this fucking forum I'm told im doing it for attention. Please just keep these comments to yourself im already having a fucking breakdown.

 

[Sleeper System]

This is exactly what I am talking about. I just want to prove to people that my pain is real, but instead I fail to ctb and I am told I clearly didn't want to die. I do want to die! The pain I feel is real! Even here on this fucking forum I'm told im doing it for attention. Please just keep these comments to yourself im already having a fucking breakdown.

You misunderstood me but it's all good.

 

[Giovannino224]

People don't believe you not because they are think that you are just exaggerating your pain, but because they just don't care. People have they problems to solve, no one wants to deal with other people problems, so they don't care in the end.
That's my belief.

 

[annxietty]

Oh god I feel this so much, Im currently living with people that believe that Im doing fine, that Im not suicidal, when I try to speak about how I feel, my sister speaks for me, she says what she thinks I think/feel, just the other day she was telling me how my relationship with my parents was, like she knows better than me how I feel about my parents, and she says Im not suicidal, that Im doing fine, that everything is good, and I just... I just get silent, why talk if she is speaking for me? Like she lives in my head and knows me better?? When I come back from a psychiatrist appointment with more meds to control my anxiety and suicidal tendencies she talks almost like Im making things up to get more medication wtf, Im tired of people telling me how I feel without even letting me talk about how I feel... and my sister's boyfriend says "its all on you, if you want to get better you need to do things, nobody can help you" and I feel so desperate... I tried to kill myself once, It was ridiculous because I only fell unconscious, I left a note and everything but nobody realized anything happened, later on I confessed to my father and sister what I did, at first they were scared, nowadays they dont even remember that happened?? lol I dont know, people suck tbh

 

[BlockHammer]

I think this's one of the prove that humanity are disconnected to each other, prolly they really just dont understand cause they were not in the same position as you, i do believe that if people want to understand each other, then they have to experience the same or similar experience as you do. Which's why we had this site to begin with, some of us already experience a traumatic or failure that is bad enough to the point we have this suicidal tendancy

Or like some comentator said, they have some problem that they need to take care off and they don't have the energy to pay attention to ours problem, which's fine but don't pretend to care or crying in my grave and said things like "I WiSh i cOuLD dO soMEtHiNg FoR hIm" when in reality is that u didn't put an effort into my problem

 

[Abyssal]

You misunderstood me but it's all good.

Thanks, yeah I gotta stop messaging when I'm losing my shit. Sorry for taking my anger out on you and thanks for being understanding

 

[tarococo]

I literally feel like this could be something I wrote down on my notes app once, thats how much I can relate to every single word you said. I always feel like no one will ever believe me how miserable I actually am, and only me sucessfully ctb will finally make something click. I used to be open with how much I'm struggling, and oh have I learned my lesson

 

[baabbaabbaab]

I can relate.

Like you said how your sister talks like she was in your head : this is exactly this I think. People have already framed you into a box : whatever you say, they have their little theory of why you say this, feel or do that. I hate it. They can't really listen : they hear the words and they link them to their preconceived ideas about you. It's just another form of gaslighting...

 

[IHurtTheOneILove]

Entirely agree. I bailed on my last 2 CTB attempts and my ex knows about them. I'm scared she thinks it's manipulation rather than a genuine attempt at ending myself and I wish I had been successful with them bcus now I have this pressure to actually CTB or else be seen as a sympathy seeking fraud

 

[LetMeBeSad]

Unless you successfully CTB you aren't suicidal enough for people to care. I could tell someone I spend every day fighting the voice in my head to keep moving forward, to get a goddamn paycheck, to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, to not have a breakdown in public and they would still only view me as a misguided npc, if they don't try and save me with it gets betters and think positives. Sometimes I can handle it, and even when I am hardly keeping it together I am able to fake it and keep moving. My body is so afraid to show others weakness because I know they won't believe I actually want to die.

Statistics say that most women who try to ctb fail. Furthermore, the chances that someone is suicidal in the first place are so low. I bet if I came out and said it I wouldn't be believed. Sometimes, even on here, I feel like people don't believe me when I tell the truth and it tears me apart. It's one thing to question whether or not there's any hope left for me, it is another to say the agony I've experienced since childhood isn't real and that I'm pretending to be suicidal.

If I don't successfully ctb then I will forever be that person who is depressed for attention. At least when I am gone I can die knowing that people will understand my pain was real all along. I want to be believed.

I see you. I have pain from childhood too. I'm currently in hospital because I said goodbye to one person a week ago and she called the police. I feel like a fool. Now every doctor I talk to thinks it was a cry for help. I wanted to be gone and this time would have been like when I was 22. Night night method and I was confident in my emptiness. Next time, I'm not telling a soul.

 

[AInilam]

I used to feel the same way because I had everything ready at the time, my note, the method, the right mind frame for it all but I failed miserably. I tried opening up about it but at this point I don't think anyone outside the people of this site would understand and at this point I don't care if they ever do or don't. The only person I'm doing this for is myself, for my own peace of mind. My sense of urgency only comes from wanting to spare myself from anymore suffering, humiliation and knowing what is to come.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Unless you successfully CTB you aren't suicidal enough for people to care. I could tell someone I spend every day fighting the voice in my head to keep moving forward, to get a goddamn paycheck, to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, to not have a breakdown in public and they would still only view me as a misguided npc, if they don't try and save me with it gets betters and think positives. Sometimes I can handle it, and even when I am hardly keeping it together I am able to fake it and keep moving. My body is so afraid to show others weakness because I know they won't believe I actually want to die.

Statistics say that most women who try to ctb fail. Furthermore, the chances that someone is suicidal in the first place are so low. I bet if I came out and said it I wouldn't be believed. Sometimes, even on here, I feel like people don't believe me when I tell the truth and it tears me apart. It's one thing to question whether or not there's any hope left for me, it is another to say the agony I've experienced since childhood isn't real and that I'm pretending to be suicidal.

If I don't successfully ctb then I will forever be that person who is depressed for attention. At least when I am gone I can die knowing that people will understand my pain was real all along. I want to be believed.

With all due respect... FUCK WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF YOUR STRUGGLE. Your pain is real, I have no doubt in that. However, I'm not going to lie that even though I've been suicidal since I was 14, I am glad that I waited until I'm the age I am now (32 in march). I think creative people have it worse than others because we're born with the existential crisis of chasing our dreams or dying. And of course, we're conditioned from a very young age that we will "fail". But, in having failed...
I got to tell you, it doesn't hurt. I fail, and I try again tomorrow. And then I make it. But IF I am never successful in the things I really want to do (creating a graphic novel/manga series) then at least I gave it my all as long as I could.
One thing this group has though me is people in their early 20s have suicidal urges and they fade for a few years and come back in our late twenties.
And as for the voice in your head... I have one too, but voice is not you... it's a collective of all the people who ever hurt you.
You took their words as definitions for yourself, and it weighs you down.
Mine is an active voice btw and I'm not scared to admit it. I hear "You should fucking kill yourself" everyday inside of my head.
It sucks, but there were years when it wasn't there, and I'm glad that I've lived long enough to experience those years.

 

[Eternal🌈Rainbow]

I understand. I just told someone the other day that the only way a certain person in my life will believe I'm serious is when I'm dead. Then it will be to late to help. Until then I'm sure they think I'm just talking shit. So, I do understand where you are coming from.

Exactly, I'm in this situation as well, regarding a certain person too.
I'm sorry for you and @Abyssal , I get it

 

[edu0z]

Unless you successfully CTB you aren't suicidal enough for people to care. I could tell someone I spend every day fighting the voice in my head to keep moving forward, to get a goddamn paycheck, to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, to not have a breakdown in public and they would still only view me as a misguided npc, if they don't try and save me with it gets betters and think positives. Sometimes I can handle it, and even when I am hardly keeping it together I am able to fake it and keep moving. My body is so afraid to show others weakness because I know they won't believe I actually want to die.

Statistics say that most women who try to ctb fail. Furthermore, the chances that someone is suicidal in the first place are so low. I bet if I came out and said it I wouldn't be believed. Sometimes, even on here, I feel like people don't believe me when I tell the truth and it tears me apart. It's one thing to question whether or not there's any hope left for me, it is another to say the agony I've experienced since childhood isn't real and that I'm pretending to be suicidal.

If I don't successfully ctb then I will forever be that person who is depressed for attention. At least when I am gone I can die knowing that people will understand my pain was real all along. I want to be believed.

The question: why do you want them to believe you? Why do you need it so desperately? What do you want to achieve with it? Their attention perhaps? As you say, the only thing you are going to get if they believe you is "everything is going to get better" and "positive thinking"... or worse, they are going to think that you are completely crazy and that it is better to stay away from you. Live your life or don't... it's up to you. But whether others believe that your emotions about suicide are real or not, the truth is that it gives you very little.

 

[Kalista]

Trying to have someone understand, to see you is something I constantly deal with. To be understood is to lessen my feeling of loneliness. It's to have someone in my life that I can feel some level of comfort and safety.

I believe you, Abyss. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

[Abyssal]

The question: why do you want them to believe you? Why do you need it so desperately? What do you want to achieve with it? Their attention perhaps? As you say, the only thing you are going to get if they believe you is "everything is going to get better" and "positive thinking"... or worse, they are going to think that you are completely crazy and that it is better to stay away from you. Live your life or don't... it's up to you. But whether others believe that your emotions about suicide are real or not, the truth is that it gives you very little.

I thought about this for a bit, it's a good question.

In truth, I don't know why it matters so much to me, when I wrote this it was because someone hadn't believed me when I said I had attempted before (and implied if I had it was for attention? Or that saying I had was for attention? I'm bad at reading people that may not be true) and it triggered some sort of emotional response. I don't want to talk about the specifics of what had happened because frankly I was being an idiot and overthinking it all, though the feeling was real. Like an "I'll show you!" Revenge feeling if that makes sense.

Some of this rant may come from a deep hope that irl someone will magically save me with whatever they have to say. When I was young it seemed to work. Hell, my last attempt resulted in my removal from my place of trauma, so it might've fucked up my brain into a suicide = getting help mindset. I know now that deep down, I don't have a solvable issue like I did before as it is life itself that has brought me to my limit, but I wish someone could do something that would actually make my life better. Im gullible and trained myself into believing that if someone were to believe I was truly suicidal everything would get better. That said I haven't actually told anyone I'm actively planning so I'm not following that theory all too well.

 

[beaten96]

Even if you came with your head half blown off still alive.. that does happen by the way.. I knew a woman that shot herself in the head and lived.. it was fucked up.. they still don't care.. they don't.. there isn't anything to prove to people that never cared in the first place.. the only thing you'll prove is their bias and their ignorance.. trust me.. I proved all my crap.. they have no way out.. legally. They are fucked.. I work in law.. I proved my point.. many times over.. I mean they're fucked.. they look like the insane cruel worthless trash they all are. Because they are.. nobody cares.. don't bother yourself.. the doctors care even less.. you have nothing to prove to them.. they have 20 people behind you.. they don't care.. if your family cares its probably self centered and selfish.. none of it's about you.. its all about how they see themselves through you.. and if that doesn't reflect how they think should be reflected.. everybody so desperate to further the human animal.. they don't care.. your pain isn't really about you to other people usually.. its about how your pain makes them feel.. don't bother yourself with that.. its a fools errand.. don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks.. i know i sure as fuck dont..

I get it.. I've been down the rabbit hole.. they need to see my pain.. maybe they'll understand.. maybe they'll feel something real for me.. nope.. they're probably self centered trash.. and dont even get me started on the hypocritical insane joke that is psychology and therapy.. talk about pissing in the wind of the universe to give anybody a real answer.. those assholes are definitely pissing in jars.. medicine and science in general does.. a lot of people make you think being a doctor is smart. And it is. You have to be smart in a way. A lot of it is being clever.. thats where a lot of it enlies..

its all just a bunch of clever stupid shit.. cant stand any of them.. medicine is trash.. people think because they came so far so fast with the advancement of technology they are getting somewhere., no even close.. they can fix your heart half way decent.. fix some broken bones half way decent.. help people have an erection.. thats about all medicine has accomplished.. manage a few communicable diseases..

psychology is a scam.. they are taking a keychain flashlight to the vast darkness of the universe and think they have a clue.. dont bother with listening to their pathetic asses.. trust me.. they don't care.. its all to cover liability.. take it from somebody in law..

I dont know why they even bothered with me.. i never believed a fucking thing they ever had to say to me anyways..

they great overpaid to regurgitate old white mens ideas from 100 years ago.. because they cant think of anything themselves..

Also.. a lot of psych doctors in America are middle eastern.. my background and minority and the rest.,. I refuse to be treated by them.. they have a middle eastern agenda.. run away if they are.. this isnt racist.. its because they're racist and sexist.. run..

Ask for another doctor..