Feeling suicidal over accomplishments

[glittergore]

Without going into too much detail, I received official acceptance today into the field experience portion of my graduate degree. Acceptance isn't guaranteed; you can get kicked out of the program if you don't meet a long list of specific requirements. I've spent the last year working my ass off to get to this point despite some obstacles - being hospitalized twice, dealing with suicidal ideation almost everyday - and I thought I'd be happy. Instead, I feel even more suicidal and I'm not sure why. I'm achieving the future I wanted for myself and it's like I don't want it anymore. Maybe it's because this another thing to live for and the prospect of living frightens me so much.

I don't know. It would nice for something good to happen and not have it just trigger me more.

 

[Cioran]

I do think it's because, as you say, you perceive it as an opportunity to live more, yet you don't want to live anymore. You want to be pushed to the edge. Therefore, maybe you are not sure whether you really want to CTB? Or maybe you feel like all your accomplishments have been for nothing? "And if only I was fine..." sort of regret?
Plus, it usually happens that when you strive for something and you obtain it, you don't value that achievement as much as you'd have thought.

 

[glittergore]

I do think it's because, as you say, you perceive it as an opportunity to live more, yet you don't want to live anymore. You want to be pushed to the edge. Therefore, maybe you are not sure whether you really want to CTB? Or maybe you feel like all your accomplishments have been for nothing? "And if only I was fine..." sort of regret?

I'm not completely sold on CTB, yes. If I was, I wouldn't be here anymore. I'm just not sure if I should interpret this as, "Ultimately I'd like to die, so even if there are good things that can happen that doesn't change anything." or, "Since good things can happen, it's worth being alive and coping with the pain and the fear."

 

[Cioran]

Well, I won't tell you how you should interpret that. I think these are two extremes. Either you completely hate life, or you love it despite everything. I think that, if you were sold on the second one, you wouldn't be here. But it doesn't mean that you want to end it all now.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I hear that you've been triggered and it's thrown your balance for a moment.

I'd like to offer you a different perspective for looking at the challenges of this opportunity, it's up to you if you want to try it out. It may empower you, or it may not be your thing. But if it helps, then the trigger loses power to direct and control.

When I was studying Buddhism, I came across this explanation of how to use the Eightfold Noble Path in daily life. I found that it helps to know one's intentions, which starts with the question, Do I want to climb this mountain? It's not about the peak, but the required efforts along the journey to attain it, whether it is ever attained or not. The opportunity is the mountain.

Buddhism - The Eightfold Path

www.buddha101.com

 

[Cioran]

But if you are not completely sold on CTB, you will have to fight against yourself when you actually do it. Therefore, if you can afford to wait, you may as well experience something new. You might keep CTB as a viable emergency option.