Help Feeling selfish for taking up a bed at the psych ward

[CuddleHug]

I'm currently at a psych ward, and have been here a week and a half. Honestly, this particular ward is amazing, but I won't go into details about that.

The reason I'm posting is because I don't feel like I belong. I'm very quiet, never talk to other patients, barely even with the staff either. My days are spent pretty much exactly as my days at home would. So why am I here? Why should I be taking up this bed when someone else could use it more? Especially in these times with COVID-19, I'm sure it will be even harder than it already is to get psychiatric care.

This morning at breakfast, I heard some other patients talk about the doctors wanting to discharge patients as soon as possible. Two of them were unsure if they'd be able to stay even though they don't feel ready to go home yet. Not sure if this means all the wards are full and patients who need hospitalisation are rejected or if they are planning to temporarily close down this ward due to the virus.

So, should I just ask if I can go home? I'm on a voluntary stay, so I don't think they would say no. Well, they could, because they know I have set a date to CTB and may think I want to leave so I can go through with my plans. That's not my intention, but that kind of changes from day to day. Right now I feel stable enough, though.

The thing is, if I ignore all outside factors, I actually feel safer to be here right now. I'm comfortable, I'm getting regular meals, I can't self-harm as easily. I have no responsibilities, no obligations to anyone, just... focusing on existing. Plus the fact that I have access to several psychiatrists for adjusting medications and talking about treatment plans and whatnot.

I just can't help but think that someone else needs this bed more than me. Compared to most other patients, I'm lucky to have a long-term home, decent income, good support network, no drug or alcohol problems. What if someone ends up having to CTB because I chose to stay here when I could cope on my own at home? I don't deserve to be here...

 

[Bahbah Blacksheep]

Someone who is so generous with hugs can't be selfish :)
If you feel like it might help you, stay there. You deserve the bed just as much as anyone else. I get the feeling but you are very much appreciated

 

[Mr2005]

When I was in there I managed to get a whole room to myself and I didn't feel bad about it one bit :)

 

[Despondent]

I'm glad that you feel feel safe :) It takes a lot of strength to go into a psych ward voluntarily. Most people wouldn't be able to do that.. I know I wouldn't be able to. It's part of working towards recovery, so you deserve to be there ❤ You're seeing psychiatrists, staying away from self-harm, etc. Don't ever think that someone else deserves to be there instead of you. If it's keeping you safe and you're getting the help that you need and want, screw everything else. You mention that you have a long-term home and decent income. The richest person in the world can hold all the designer hand bags, have the biggest home and piece of property, and can still be very sad ❤

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You're only responsible for you, not for others, and you took care of yourself with voluntary treatment. You're no less worthy, deserving, or in need of that bed than anyone else. If you're benefitting, then I hope you'll enjoy it while it lasts.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I

The thing is, if I ignore all outside factors, I actually feel safer to be here right now. I'm comfortable, I'm getting regular meals, I can't self-harm as easily. I have no responsibilities, no obligations to anyone, just... focusing on existing. Plus the fact that I have access to several psychiatrists for adjusting medications and talking about treatment plans and whatnot.

If this is right for you, then it sounds like you are in the right place. You shouldn't feel guilty about doing something positive for yourself. On the contrary, you have a responsibility to do what's right for yourself, as you see fit.

 

[ghostspace]

You deserve your place there, especially because it makes you feel safe; I'm sure there are other people who don't want to be there or need to be there who will be happy to get discharged early, and if not, oh well. You seem really compassionate ♡, in this scenario, the number of available beds is not your problem to worry about.

Good for you for getting somewhere safe, I'm glad you feel more secure.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Safety and protection from self are important. Don't discount those very real reasons for being there.

One of the things I found most comforting about my last hospital stay was that I could relax a bit knowing that I wasn't going to hurt myself. None of my methods were available to me, and someone was watching out for me.

That was worth so much, and it was one of the things I most needed.

Don't shortchange yourself. They'll let you know when it's time to leave and as long as you're questioning, I'd let them make that call for now.

 

[Sensei]

OP, you're a member of a forum for suicidal people and meditate upon killing yourself. I'd say you deserve a bed.

 

[CuddleHug]

Thank you so much for the support, everyone I really, really needed that. I'd reply to all of you, but I don't have that energy today. I've been ruminating about this all day and it's exhausting.

Tomorrow I'm going to grab one of the nurses and sit down to just talk. I'm probably going to bring up this subject, because the thing with me is I can hide how I'm actually feeling very, very well. Out of my previous three hospitalisations, only one was actually ended when I felt somewhat good. The other two, I faked being good and stable and they let me out before I was actually ready. If they know I have this tendency, I think I might be able to sabotage myself from doing that again.

My therapist told me once that she admired my ability to outsmart myself and find ways to force me to do what I need. Like buying some food item that is about to expire, so I'd feel bad about throwing it away and just eat it instead. I know it sounds weird, but it's the only way I can prevent myself from self-sabotage.

Anyway, hugs to you all for being so lovely Don't worry, I'll wrap myself in plastic wrap first. That'll help, right? Kinda?

 

[GotoHellforHeavensSa]

Woahh i'm so happy that you are happy, because it gives me a hope that in my case it could be the same Absolutely you shouldn't feel any guilt about your stay here, home is not hospital of any kind no matter how much you would like it to be, and all patients deserve to be treated fairly and in their best interest - thus they should allow you to stay as long as you want (maybe only not for eternity ). Anyways i'm also planning on voluntarily going to hospital in the coming weeks, so i just wish you well, and thanks for this heartwarming post!

 

[CuddleHug]

I met with one of the doctors today and I completely zoned out and forgot what to say. Foolish girl, you had so much to say! Didn't even bring up any of the things I mentioned in my last comment...

Basically it went like this; "we won't change anything now, let's wait and see if you feel better by the end of the week". Gah, I'm so frustrated with myself. Why couldn't I just tell him I'm not happy with that plan?

I don't want to just sit here, doing nothing. I want to remove some drugs and change things up a bit. I'll feel like hell coming off them all, but that's why I'm here, isn't it?! It's a safe environment where I'm taken care of and can't kill myself. So do some radical changes now and let me worry about the consequences!!! I'm fucking ready for it!

I ended up telling one of the nurses how I felt a bit later. He took some notes and said he'll bring it up with the doctors. Maybe I'll hear something tomorrow. I'm still angry at myself, though

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I met with one of the doctors today and I completely zoned out and forgot what to say. Foolish girl, you had so much to say! Didn't even bring up any of the things I mentioned in my last comment...

Basically it went like this; "we won't change anything now, let's wait and see if you feel better by the end of the week". Gah, I'm so frustrated with myself. Why couldn't I just tell him I'm not happy with that plan?

I don't want to just sit here, doing nothing. I want to remove some drugs and change things up a bit. I'll feel like hell coming off them all, but that's why I'm here, isn't it?! It's a safe environment where I'm taken care of and can't kill myself. So do some radical changes now and let me worry about the consequences!!! I'm fucking ready for it!

I ended up telling one of the nurses how I felt a bit later. He took some notes and said he'll bring it up with the doctors. Maybe I'll hear something tomorrow. I'm still angry at myself, though

Don't be! You're doing the best you can, and we all know what it's like when you're on the spot and your mind goes blank.

They'll likely have case conferences at the end of today or early tomorrow morning, so you might not hear back right away.

 

[GotoHellforHeavensSa]

I met with one of the doctors today and I completely zoned out and forgot what to say. Foolish girl, you had so much to say! Didn't even bring up any of the things I mentioned in my last comment...

Chill out, i know this feeling too well, but it's not like doctors will run away from you, if you don't tell them now Anyways you told it to nurse, so it's still one step forward!

 

[CuddleHug]

It's funny, how you can be so irrational one moment and later have a completely different perspective. I managed to grab another nurse last night and talk some more about my wishes, and she somehow convinced me to let the doctors decide.

Then this morning, I was kind of in between. Not really satisfied, not really unsatisfied either. Tried to gather my thoughts, because they told me I'd get to see another doctor today. She came to my room and we had a much more relaxed conversation. Honestly, I'm surprised. Just when I feel like I'm not being heard, they catch me before I fall too deep into my darkest place.

I slept like shit, so the rest of the day has been absolutely horrible, but at least I did something good. I think I'm taking (baby) steps in the right direction.

I think I'll keep posting updates in this thread during my stay at the psych ward. Putting down my thoughts onto (digital) paper is oddly therapeutic. Thank you to anyone who still reads this. It's nice to not be alone

 

[I_love_to_bake]

I met with one of the doctors today and I completely zoned out and forgot what to say. Foolish girl, you had so much to say! Didn't even bring up any of the things I mentioned in my last comment...

Basically it went like this; "we won't change anything now, let's wait and see if you feel better by the end of the week". Gah, I'm so frustrated with myself. Why couldn't I just tell him I'm not happy with that plan?

I can totally relate to that feeling. I always come up with grand plans to tell my therapist everything. But then she kind of steers the conversation and I get overwhelmed. It's so hard to keep pace with people when they're talking sometimes, they're so confident and proud of what they have to say.

You continue to make such progress though!! Constantly being so frustrated with ourselves can be so hard...

 

[CuddleHug]

Constantly being so frustrated with ourselves can be so hard...

This is one of my biggest issues, I think. No matter what I do, I always feel like it wasn't good enough. Like I wasn't good enough. Because I'm not. I'm pathetic and I don't deserve to be alive. I hate myself and have always done that. As long as I can remember, at least.

Then there's the rational part of me that can see that what I just wrote doesn't make any sense. I know that, but I can't believe in it. Argh, so stupid and frustrating! It keeps happening over and over again. I'm such a broken mess...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's funny, how you can be so irrational one moment and later have a completely different perspective. I managed to grab another nurse last night and talk some more about my wishes, and she somehow convinced me to let the doctors decide.

Then this morning, I was kind of in between. Not really satisfied, not really unsatisfied either. Tried to gather my thoughts, because they told me I'd get to see another doctor today. She came to my room and we had a much more relaxed conversation. Honestly, I'm surprised. Just when I feel like I'm not being heard, they catch me before I fall too deep into my darkest place.

I slept like shit, so the rest of the day has been absolutely horrible, but at least I did something good. I think I'm taking (baby) steps in the right direction.

I think I'll keep posting updates in this thread during my stay at the psych ward. Putting down my thoughts onto (digital) paper is oddly therapeutic. Thank you to anyone who still reads this. It's nice to not be alone

Please do continue to post.

Those feelings of worthlessness have come from somewhere. Maybe someone there who will listen can help you figure out where.

 

[Sensei]

This is one of my biggest issues, I think. No matter what I do, I always feel like it wasn't good enough. Like I wasn't good enough. Because I'm not. I'm pathetic and I don't deserve to be alive. I hate myself and have always done that. As long as I can remember, at least.

I see. Well, sometimes it's reasonable to hate yourself. Now tell me, how many people have you bullied, harassed, ruined, sold drugs to, assaulted, injured, poisoned, raped, and/or killed?

 

[CuddleHug]

Just as I thought I was getting better, I plummeted straight back into darkness. My darkness. I'm comfortable here. The pain is familiar and my demons welcome me home. This is where I belong, the eternal prison of my own mind. There is no way out. It was just an illusion, like all the other times I gave life another chance.

I'm not leaving yet, but I don't think there's any other option left for me. I know I will CTB at some point, it's just a matter of when. I'll keep doing what I always do, which is to postpone it over and over again until I can't anymore. Recovery is not an option, it seems. I'm not motivated enough. I thought I was getting somewhere, but in the end I'm not capable of doing whatever it is I can't get right. I don't even know what that is.

I'm a mess. A huggable, sorry, fucking mess.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

What happened?

 

[CuddleHug]

I'm not entirely sure myself. The key moment was probably when I met a new psychiatrist here at the ward yesterday. He was good, like really excruciatingly accurate with his questions and deductions. We had a deep discussion about why I am here and what makes me not want to live. No judgement, just pure curiousity on his part. I could feel how much he wanted to understand me and how my brain works.

I liked that conversation. It gave me comfort to know that someone finally understood me, or at least made a real effort to dig into my head and have a look around. The thing is, he agreed with me that he can't do anything to change my mind. No medicine will get me there either, because I am a victim of my own intellect (his words, not mine, but I agree). I've exhausted all options to find a meaning or purpose in life, with no will or energy left to continue looking for one. It's all pointless.

He did make a good point, though. The fact that I got myself hospitalised means that some part of me still believes I can recover. At first, that thought gave me a bit of hope, and I actually felt a bit better after the meeting.

Then I realised that they actually admitted they can't do anything for me, and forcing me to do things like being more active and social is futile, because those things don't work on me. What they expect of me now is to come up with something they can do to help me. He said that it has to come from me, because nothing else will work on such a person as me. I'm glad they finally understood this about me, but also frustrated because it means I have to be in charge and I'm not capable of that.

On top of all this, when I talked to my dad after that meeting, he unknowingly said some things that hurt me. Something along the lines of "I can tell how much you want to recover, it's so obvious how hard you're trying". It's not true. I gave up a long time ago. I wanted to tell him that, but how could I? It's my own fault for creating this illusion for others to find comfort in when in reality I just want to die.

So, in short, I have to come up with something they can do here at the psych ward to help me by tomorrow. The reason I'm here is because I have absolutely no idea what I need. Catch 22, pretty much. Might as well get myself discharged so I can go home and CTB before my country gets completely shut down due to the pandemic.

 

[Sensei]

On the positive side, it seems that they genuinely want to help you. You have support. Is there something like group therapy there? Then you could meet people who are in a similar situation and it might be easier for you to be social. I'm thinking of joining a so-called psychoeducation group for bipolar people myself. Maybe we'll make some new friends. Just an idea.

 

[CuddleHug]

On the positive side, it seems that they genuinely want to help you.

Yes, they do. I'm just not receptive to any help at all right now. They keep asking me what I want them to do that will help me, but I have no idea how I'm supposed to figure that out. I'm just as clueless as they are. I definitely do not deserve to be here. All I'm doing is taking up a bed and lots of resources that could help someone else.

The group therapy is a good suggestion, but it's not something they offer here. Thanks for bringing it up.

 

[Sensei]

You do deserve to be there. You have the same right to healthcare as everyone else. What about a contact person? Someone you can meet over a cup of coffee and practice social interaction with. We have such contact persons over here, but I don't know how it is in your country.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

He said that it has to come from me, because nothing else will work on such a person as me.

That is exactly the situation I find myself in. I won't be dictated to by people who claim to have the answers but clearly don't. However, in your case it appears you were listened to, though it doesn't help. Maybe what you really need is time to figure out how they can help you if at all.

The reason I'm here is because I have absolutely no idea what I need. Catch 22, pretty much.

Exactly, catch 22. Unfortunately, it does kind of have to come from you or it may be worthless. But there's no problem in asking for help.

The group therapy is a good suggestion, but it's not something they offer here.

That's a shame, but you have identified something that might help there? Are there no alternatives they can offer?

 

[brainpain2]

If being where you are is helping you and possibly saving your life you are EXACTLY where you belong . You sound like an incredibly kind and empathetic person to worry about others getting the help you have been. There will be others getting discharged that don't want to be there and beds will open up. Take care of yourself. I wish you all the best. We need more caring and empathetic people like you in this world.

 

[CuddleHug]

You do deserve to be there. You have the same right to healthcare as everyone else. What about a contact person? Someone you can meet over a cup of coffee and practice social interaction with. We have such contact persons over here, but I don't know how it is in your country.

I have someone like that. Social worker, is that the right word? She has offered to come meet me in hospital, but unfortunately they don't allow any kind of visitors right now. They won't even let me go out on a walk with her. A real pity, because talking to her is always a big relief and I miss her now that I can't see her. I'd talk to one of the nurses here who are nice, but they don't have time to sit down with one patient for more than 10 or 15 minutes at most.

Maybe what you really need is time to figure out how they can help you if at all

This is exactly what I am thinking. The only problem is that I don't think I will be able to figure it out completely on my own. So I guess what I could ask for is some help with figuring out what I need? So far, no one has even been able to get close to being helpful but that psychiatrist yesterday. Maybe I'll just ask for more time with him?

That's a shame, but you have identified something that might help there? Are there no alternatives they can offer

To be completely honest, I don't think group therapy would help me. I started writing a long rant about it as a reply to that suggestion, but then realised I'm an ungrateful bitch who dismisses everyone who is trying to help. I'd rather keep my mouth shut than accidentally hurt someone who meant no harm.

To everyone who keeps replying in this thread, thank you so much for your support I mostly keep posting updates here because it helps me organise my thoughts, but I do appreciate your feedback.

I know it's almost cliché at this point, but isn't it ironic how a suicide forum is my main support channel that keeps me from going insane right now? What would I do without you?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Kind of ironic lol. But it's a place full of people who have more chance of trying to understand. Sounds like that psych is worth talking to though, I've not met one that was that earnest.

 

[Sensei]

I have someone like that. Social worker, is that the right word?

Perhaps. I'm not a native English speaker and those darn anglophones use such terms differently in different countries. Inconsistency, thy name is English.

She has offered to come meet me in hospital, but unfortunately they don't allow any kind of visitors right now. They won't even let me go out on a walk with her. A real pity, because talking to her is always a big relief and I miss her now that I can't see her.

So, you have a contact person, or whatever the hell it's called in English, and you like her. That's something, right? Maybe you could ask if it would be possible for you to spend more time with her, or another contact person, or perhaps several contact persons? I don't know what you do with your contact person, but over here it's common to take a walk, have a cup of coffee, go to the cinema, and similar activities. I'd say that's a good start if you need social training.

On a somewhat different note, do you have any interests or hobbies? If you could join a club, you'd meet like-minded and welcoming people. You could bring your contact person if you don't want to go on your own.

I'd talk to one of the nurses here who are nice, but they don't have time to sit down with one patient for more than 10 or 15 minutes at most.

Maybe they'll discharge some patients and get more time for you. If not, to get the opportunity to talk with a kind and caring human being for a quarter of an hour is not too bad. Not everyone gets a chance to do that.