feeling really panicky

[wildflowers1996]

I just feel so unbearably alone
Having all these thoughts and not being able to tell anyone in person is so hard
I don't think I can ctb
I do want to. But the reality of it is sinking in and I just don't think I can get past the SI. and my family. I just can't do it to them. It's not that I don't want to die - I desperately want the pain to end - but I just /can't/ do it to them
I keep waking up with my heart racing because I feel so TRAPPED and all I'm thinking all the time is "no one cares no one cares no one cares" the pain is so REAL but I feel like no one sees me as a real person? Like on here I'm just some stranger but I'm actually a real person not just a very vague concept which I must seem to everyone else and the suffering is so painfully real I feel like most of the time I forget I'm a real person if that makes any sense at all

I feel so trapped because I need to die and yet I can't and I know there is no way out of the life I'm in, no possibility of recovery, it's ALWAYS going to hurt and it's only going to get worse i so desperately want to escape, the pain is so, so real but I know no one really cares because no one knows me and I just feel I'm in emotional hell and just trapped and nowhere to turn, I feel like how someone would feel if they got stuck in an elevator somewhere but permanently and no one can hear them I really feel like I'm going insane this is just so unbearable

 

[Ondine0000ff]

Omg I get it so much, the loneliness can be excruciating! Know that there will always be people to listen to you on this forum, that's what this forum is for!!

 

[starlightsun]

I understand what you're saying. I also feel trapped because I want to ctb but not sure if I'll actually be able to, but the thought of living out the rest of this life is unbearable too. I don't want to hurt those I love but my existence is just pointless and painful and I see it only getting worse with time.

You're right it is so isolating not being able to talk to anyone in real life because they will just try and get you "help" at best, or not take you seriously at worst, both of which just increases the feelings of isolation and not being heard or understood.

I'm so grateful for this forum that we can feel less alone and there are others that feel similarly. I hope it can help you, too. There are plenty of people to talk to here. You are most certainly real and your pain is real. I get the trapped in the elevator thing too, I feel like I'm in a fishbowl and I'm watching the world around me but not part of it. It's like being in limbo. Personally I think it's this world that's insane, not us.

 

[BlazingBob]

I feel like I'm trapped in a glass elevator with one way mirrors. I can see out but nobody can see in. Watching people live life while I sit and rot. One of these days soon I'm going to snap and end it. Probably partial because I don't have the energy to buy a firearm much less a nitro setup. I can only get out of bed for maybe an hour at the most. This is no way to live.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful feeling so trapped in that situation, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best, I really wish there's the option to completely erase our existence so it's like we never existed at all.