Well, it's my birthday today. I never thought I'd make it this far, especially as the last year I've felt I've been on borrowed time.
This last year I've been bullied out of my home by my brother and sister on pain of abandonment, forced to move to a new house that is a shit hole and left to rot by the doctors as my health deteriorated to the point of a trip to a&e.
I've clawed my way back from all this by stubbornly cleaning and gardening and exploring the area. I'm still ill and still fighting.
My brother lives close by and helps as best he can, especially with the garden stuff, which is very therapeutic to me. I've kind of forgiven him for forcing me out of my home as he doesn't hassle me anymore and does try to help.
But my sister lives 200 miles away. I believed that after she got the cash from the sale of the house, she'd abandon me. She promised she wouldn't.
Since then she's visited twice and spent the time avoiding me or messing around on Facebook when we are together. And tried to make me feel guilty about her taking one day out of her busy life to spend time with me.
I used to call her, but she'd only talk time if I told her positive stuff. Anything negative and she'd put me on speaker and do the washing up, pretending to be listening. I found that offensive, so I stopped calling her and left her to call me when she wanted to talk, so that I could know she wasn't busy.
But she hardly calls at all, maybe once a month. It feels like I am now a box to be ticked. And even then, she'll only engage if I'm nothing but positive. I'm a realist. I believe in seeing what is really there and admitting the bad so that you can find ways to bring out the good. She's a mindless optimist, who appears to believe in ignoring the bad and pretending everything is okay. It pisses me off.
So for my birthday, I get a card and an Amazon voucher. A fucking voucher. I told her I didn't want a voucher because Amazon are an unethical company that I want nothing to do with. I asked for something else.
Conversely, my brother got me an indoor ultra violet lamp because I suffer from vitamin D deficiency after all winter inside. Thoughtful and appreciated.
And today, I get a happy birthday text from her. A fucking text. What is really like is a conversation with my sister. Just a talk. But she's too busy I guess, though I'm sure she calls other people, but I'm too much hassle.
I haven't forgiven her for bullying me into signing power of attorney under duress. I feel abandoned.
I was afraid of this and I tried my best to keep things going despite my resentment, because I knew the longer she was out of contact, the more things would fester. I've given here every opportunity to talk to me and face some of the guilt. But maybe she doesn't even feel it. I'm starting to think she has sociopathic tendencies and lacks empathy. Ironic, as I'm the one they called the nutter police on four years ago.
I know this has shades of an unhealthy relationship and letting go may be healthier. But she's still my sister. What they did, they did partly to help me, even though they were relentless and abusive it was because they were panicking at the time. I wanted her to understand this and work through it with me, but she seems happier to turn from it and hide away.
The truth always comes back to get you in the end and the longer you run from it, the hard it is to face when you have no choice. I wanted to spare her this, but it's out of my control.
So whatever happens, I feel sad.
Thank you for reading my self indulgent birthday post. I just feel a bit lost and worthless right now. I'm doing all the right things for myself but I'm beset by sadness today.
This last year I've been bullied out of my home by my brother and sister on pain of abandonment, forced to move to a new house that is a shit hole and left to rot by the doctors as my health deteriorated to the point of a trip to a&e.
I've clawed my way back from all this by stubbornly cleaning and gardening and exploring the area. I'm still ill and still fighting.
My brother lives close by and helps as best he can, especially with the garden stuff, which is very therapeutic to me. I've kind of forgiven him for forcing me out of my home as he doesn't hassle me anymore and does try to help.
But my sister lives 200 miles away. I believed that after she got the cash from the sale of the house, she'd abandon me. She promised she wouldn't.
Since then she's visited twice and spent the time avoiding me or messing around on Facebook when we are together. And tried to make me feel guilty about her taking one day out of her busy life to spend time with me.
I used to call her, but she'd only talk time if I told her positive stuff. Anything negative and she'd put me on speaker and do the washing up, pretending to be listening. I found that offensive, so I stopped calling her and left her to call me when she wanted to talk, so that I could know she wasn't busy.
But she hardly calls at all, maybe once a month. It feels like I am now a box to be ticked. And even then, she'll only engage if I'm nothing but positive. I'm a realist. I believe in seeing what is really there and admitting the bad so that you can find ways to bring out the good. She's a mindless optimist, who appears to believe in ignoring the bad and pretending everything is okay. It pisses me off.
So for my birthday, I get a card and an Amazon voucher. A fucking voucher. I told her I didn't want a voucher because Amazon are an unethical company that I want nothing to do with. I asked for something else.
Conversely, my brother got me an indoor ultra violet lamp because I suffer from vitamin D deficiency after all winter inside. Thoughtful and appreciated.
And today, I get a happy birthday text from her. A fucking text. What is really like is a conversation with my sister. Just a talk. But she's too busy I guess, though I'm sure she calls other people, but I'm too much hassle.
I haven't forgiven her for bullying me into signing power of attorney under duress. I feel abandoned.
I was afraid of this and I tried my best to keep things going despite my resentment, because I knew the longer she was out of contact, the more things would fester. I've given here every opportunity to talk to me and face some of the guilt. But maybe she doesn't even feel it. I'm starting to think she has sociopathic tendencies and lacks empathy. Ironic, as I'm the one they called the nutter police on four years ago.
I know this has shades of an unhealthy relationship and letting go may be healthier. But she's still my sister. What they did, they did partly to help me, even though they were relentless and abusive it was because they were panicking at the time. I wanted her to understand this and work through it with me, but she seems happier to turn from it and hide away.
The truth always comes back to get you in the end and the longer you run from it, the hard it is to face when you have no choice. I wanted to spare her this, but it's out of my control.
So whatever happens, I feel sad.
Thank you for reading my self indulgent birthday post. I just feel a bit lost and worthless right now. I'm doing all the right things for myself but I'm beset by sadness today.
