Discussion Feeling machiavellian

[Catch_The_Beaver]

Back in the real world, a couple of months ago I had a moment of weakness in which I opened up with a friend about my frequent suicidal thoughts. She called the police on me and I was close to being sent to a psych ward against my will. All of this in the middle of the night while living with my parents, so add that to the equation and you get quite a memorable situation.

I have gotten everything material that I needed in my life and I live in a tolerable country. However, there I was, lying to the police, to my parents and later to my friends, whom I now resent for trying to strip me of the only thing that I wanted. I don't want anything else.

Couple of months later and I have become the most devious person I know. Resorting to several ways of creating different truths for each person in order to not get caught and stripped of my physical freedom. This has become my daily life, until I get out on my own and CTB.

Any of you have gone or is going through something similar?

 

[Rocksandsand]

I feel like this. All. The. Fucking. Time.

I made a very-near successful attempt in August last year, and the fancy footwork of having to appear well and fine makes me feel like I'm almost living in a movie with a terrible plot twist building up: who knew she was lying all along!

I'm sorry you have to navigate this. It feels so fucked having to lie all the time.

 

[Catch_The_Beaver]

Sometimes I feel on the verge of confessing and I also fear that my real intentions may slip.

Deep down it hurts that I have always been such an honest person because I expect others to be like that, yet now I'm like a foreign spy keeping a delicate and profound double identity.

 

[Rocksandsand]

Sometimes I feel on the verge of confessing and I also fear that my real intentions may slip.

Deep down it hurts that I have always been such an honest person because I expect others to be like that, yet now I'm like a foreign spy keeping a delicate and profound double identity.

Totally get that. I have always disliked lying and deception too. But being suicidal changes everything. Reconciling the ethical clash is a really shitty task though ehh

 

[Catch_The_Beaver]

Reconciling the ethical clash is a really shitty task though ehh

Totally. I guess that this, in more violent ways of course, is what certain people feel under oppressive governments and cultures. In one way or another wanting suicide is illegal or at least not permitted, forcing the suicidal to resort to deception and cunning.

 

[262653]

By machiavellian I assume you mean not ashamed of lying? Can't be bothered to google new concepts now, in the energy saving mode.
I also value honesty, intra and interpersonal. But sometimes you have to pass over the chasm, and lie is the only bridge here.

*Just like there is little to no room for honesty when you've been committed to a psych ward. You try to open the locked door but honesty doesn't fit into a keyhole.

 

[Catch_The_Beaver]

By machiavellian I assume you mean not ashamed of lying? Can't be bothered to google new concepts now, in the energy saving mode.
I also value honesty, intra and interpersonal. But sometimes you have to pass over the chasm, and lie is the only bridge here.

*Just like there is little to no room for honesty when you've been committed to a psych ward. You try to open the locked door but honesty doesn't fit into a keyhole.

I have no trouble lying, what hurts me is what it implies (my solitude). I meant if whether you lie a lot in order to defend your natural right to take your own life or for other things.

A psych ward is like a prison for the non followers of the majority neurotypicals

 

[Orin]

I can relate. I have to pretend to everyone that i'm ok. It's tiring as fuck.

 

[Severen]

You have to be Machiavellian when surrounded by religious freaks unless you live near a very nice psych ward with staff who treat patients with respect, good food, a library, comfortable beds, access to video games etc. And also one that doesn't bill you for thousands of dollars, afterwards. :)

 

[TimeToDie]

Yeah, I told a woman I knew about my thoughts and she sent police to my door when I failed to immediately respond to a text from her. I'm still not seeing the point of sending cops. The only possibilities are that I'm fine and I'm highly distressed by cops in my home, or I'm dead in which case it's not like they can help me. Either way the cops are utterly useless. After that I learned to shut the hell up, so all the cop scare did is force me to never tell anyone anything ever again. It's not at all clear to me how that's supposed to help.

 

[Donewith_]

you sound like me . I know its very exhausting.
I lie many times.. like I am doing something without letting my family know while staying in the same place with them.
some things raise suspicion.. and Yeah, i lie many times. I know its bad for me to do so.. but i don't know any other way.
And i say a thing to my friends and say about it the other way to my family. tbh, I am doing this for a long time.. i got a bit habituated.
And there is nothing to hide or manage things now.. coz i got all of my supplies ready.
but, its very exhausting to do it. before some months, I was supposed to attend a training , i used to skip it, go to random places, and started acquiring my meds.
I was pathetic .. and in the eve when i go to home.. i know that my family thinks i was returning from the training.. and they try to care for me thinking i worked hard all day.
that guilt used to kill me alive... its hard. I think I'm being too honest .
its exhausting.. but i used to do it.. coz i was unable to see any other way.