Venting feeling lost, uncertain, idk.

[synthcadia]

i put this in the wrong place before. my bad.

i have been depressed since i was 10. i have realized a while i'm fucked up (i believe i have DID, BPD, most certainly have PTSD, and ADHD [diagnosed]). living is hard. and somehow i'm still here, even not by my own volition.

i ask myself what the fuck i'm doing sometimes. i mean i found friends who care for me, finally, after i was treated like shit for so long. i found the love of my life. i'm going to meet her in finland.

yet i feel sad because i cannot live my life the way i want to completely.

i have dissociation too and sometimes i wonder if i'm real. i wonder if i am alive or if we are in a simulation. i wonder if we exist. i am tempted to just jump out of a car, or something. i found a better method thanks to SaSu, so that's good to note.

if i ever told my parents about my depression again, they'd say i'm ungrateful again and say it's selfish.

i'm frustrated by my life sometimes. angry. i want to meet my gf and be happy.

idfk what this post is. i mean i'm not very suicidal but i have many intrusive thoughts about dying, drowning, etc.

maybe i can mentally disappear. i've done it before. it's shifting my consciousness back into the ocean. it feels like a compromise for death while someone else uses my body.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

those intrusive thoughts happen to me when I'm doing "well". I can function (barely) but the inescapable thoughts haunt me until I fall asleep.

just know depression doesn't mean you're ungrateful. it's something that can just happen. i have a couple good friends, had a girlfriend and a beautiful doggy. I was/am grateful for those things but I'm still depressed.

I hope meeting your girlfriend goes well, congratulations OP ^^

 

[im already reading]

i put this in the wrong place before. my bad.

i have been depressed since i was 10. i have realized a while i'm fucked up (i believe i have DID, BPD, most certainly have PTSD, and ADHD [diagnosed]). living is hard. and somehow i'm still here, even not by my own volition.

i ask myself what the fuck i'm doing sometimes. i mean i found friends who care for me, finally, after i was treated like shit for so long. i found the love of my life. i'm going to meet her in finland.

yet i feel sad because i cannot live my life the way i want to completely.

i have dissociation too and sometimes i wonder if i'm real. i wonder if i am alive or if we are in a simulation. i wonder if we exist. i am tempted to just jump out of a car, or something. i found a better method thanks to SaSu, so that's good to note.

if i ever told my parents about my depression again, they'd say i'm ungrateful again and say it's selfish.

i'm frustrated by my life sometimes. angry. i want to meet my gf and be happy.

idfk what this post is. i mean i'm not very suicidal but i have many intrusive thoughts about dying, drowning, etc.

maybe i can mentally disappear. i've done it before. it's shifting my consciousness back into the ocean. it feels like a compromise for death while someone else uses my body.

i have intrusive thoughts like that too, even when im having fun im just like "is this even real? nothing is worthit" but then i actually think rationally for a second and im like "wtf am i thinking, stop being a pussy,do something actually productive, even if it isn't real too bad keep living life dont be a bitch and waste it" and i become productive for a few minutes
anyway


its a good skill to have to just stop and think and zone out, rather than just being on autopilot


if you have found the love of your life and have friends who care but still feel sad, maybe pick up a new hobby like drawing or making a web novel
i think that you should still tell one of your parents about your depression, whichever one your closer with and if you cant do that then tell your lover and if you cant do that then tell a friend and if your afraid it would be awkward then tell an online friend who is/has felt how you feel before and hopefully you can help eachother out,
if all else fails go to therapy but therapy is expensive so thats why its kindof a last resort


>>>>>>
mentally disapear? shifting consciousness back into the ocean? a compromise for death while someone uses your body?
ive never done something like that before so i dont know what to tell you, sleeping is like dying but you come back

so if you really want to let go of thinking and stuff then try lucid dreaming or those sense deprevations things
how do you space this out more? nevermind
may luck find you this day
also if you having nothing better to do please download clash royale and join the clan im in, its called online only and theres 9 members, we need one more to participate in clan war
im not tryna promote it im just saying if you feel empty then theres something :>

 

[synthcadia]

those intrusive thoughts happen to me when I'm doing "well". I can function (barely) but the inescapable thoughts haunt me until I fall asleep.

just know depression doesn't mean you're ungrateful. it's something that can just happen. i have a couple good friends, had a girlfriend and a beautiful doggy. I was/am grateful for those things but I'm still depressed.

I hope meeting your girlfriend goes well, congratulations OP ^^

thank you foxed, i really appreciate this. i'm glad someone can relate. sometimes it distracts me, but i feel like i have become desensitized to it or something. and yea, i mean depression is caused from a lack of dopamine (to my knowledge) and is an illness. i mean i'm extremely grateful for what i have, ya know? sometimes i feel like i don't deserve it at all. but yea i get it.

and thank you, i am nervous because i am going to a new country and i'm excited to leave america for the first time. ^^;

i have intrusive thoughts like that too, even when im having fun im just like "is this even real? nothing is worthit" but then i actually think rationally for a second and im like "wtf am i thinking, stop being a pussy,do something actually productive, even if it isn't real too bad keep living life dont be a bitch and waste it" and i become productive for a few minutes
anyway


its a good skill to have to just stop and think and zone out, rather than just being on autopilot


if you have found the love of your life and have friends who care but still feel sad, maybe pick up a new hobby like drawing or making a web novel
i think that you should still tell one of your parents about your depression, whichever one your closer with and if you cant do that then tell your lover and if you cant do that then tell a friend and if your afraid it would be awkward then tell an online friend who is/has felt how you feel before and hopefully you can help eachother out,
if all else fails go to therapy but therapy is expensive so thats why its kindof a last resort


>>>>>>
mentally disapear? shifting consciousness back into the ocean? a compromise for death while someone uses your body?
ive never done something like that before so i dont know what to tell you, sleeping is like dying but you come back

so if you really want to let go of thinking and stuff then try lucid dreaming or those sense deprevations things
how do you space this out more? nevermind
may luck find you this day
also if you having nothing better to do please download clash royale and join the clan im in, its called online only and theres 9 members, we need one more to participate in clan war
im not tryna promote it im just saying if you feel empty then theres something :>

for the first part, thank you. <3 i will try to do that. in the past i used to be very hard on myself, but i've gotten a bit better.

hobby-wise, i started to learn rigging for live2d models. that's helped, + it's entertaining and fun for me. so i hope that works. (:

in regards to mentally disappearing, it's not sleep... i am physically awake. but maybe it is because of the DID but i have gaps in memory and i can feel my consciousness shift away. the back of my mind is perceived as an ocean. i think i have this idea of peacefully dying on the surface of a ocean and then sinking farther down. it's hard to explain, but when i do this, someone else takes over my body. i mean i've had stuff written in different handwriting lol.

and thank you, i appreciate it. <3 i rigged a live2d head, so i feel successful. and thank you. playing otomes help.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring what you have been through but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[synthcadia]

kinda. i can't remember most of it. when i try, i feel like someone comes up and assures me it'll be ok, and that there is a veil over my eyes. i used to have nightmares. lol i can't use myanimelist anymore because… he's on there. apparently he's in jail but idk. and thank you funeral. <333 i also hope the best for you too.