Venting feeling like "the side friend"

[sillymafia]

this has been an issue my entire life, idk how to describe it but i feel like im a less important part of my friend groups, i feel like im just an addon on the group, a weird lump whos just there and not adding much, the one that follows the rest like a lost dog, i feel like im just a burden on them, they just focus on each other and i just sometimes feel like im just an addon, and it hurtttsss cuz i love them, i feel like im a dog, waiting for one of them to come home and give me the attention ive been seeking all my life, i wag my tail and love them unconditionally i cry all their tears and i always wait for them by the doorstep, i know i sound like an attention seeking whore abd i know not everything is about me but.....i wanna be the main character for once

 

[XdragonsoulX]

I relate heavily, I have all my work friends by me, my only friends in life that I consistently see and talk to. One moment I'm in the friend group talking daily, best friends with some, having a great time. Then the next day I'm not. I have a bad day and disassociate, decide to avoid everyone to just collect my check and go home. Next day is the same, disassociating, finally decide to be home for a day. it's like I don't exist when I come back there's a whole new group chat that I wasn't added in. each day it's like I'm crawling to survive, anxiety fills me heavily even after I take my "as needed" medication. I sit by myself, am excluded in conversations, I don't even watch movies with my best friend on lunch anymore. When I join in conversation everybody is quick to remark and soon disband afterwards, I wander behind alone. If I walk with others things get too awkward. I'm just an Outcast. There's been a lot of days where I've decided it's better if I'm home.

It's why I come here though, read everyone else who struggles, do my research, and count down my days. They don't know my plans, they don't know that eventually I'll be gone.

 

[KuroiSH]

this has been an issue my entire life, idk how to describe it but i feel like im a less important part of my friend groups, i feel like im just an addon on the group, a weird lump whos just there and not adding much, the one that follows the rest like a lost dog, i feel like im just a burden on them, they just focus on each other and i just sometimes feel like im just an addon, and it hurtttsss cuz i love them, i feel like im a dog, waiting for one of them to come home and give me the attention ive been seeking all my life, i wag my tail and love them unconditionally i cry all their tears and i always wait for them by the doorstep, i know i sound like an attention seeking whore abd i know not everything is about me but.....i wanna be the main character for once

This. While I'm a man (although quite a feminine one, possibly even trans), I feel like nothing more than a pleasure object for other people. I try to form strong friendships through common interests, gift giving, and showing genuine uninterested interest in them as a person, yet still all they do is abandon me and betray me.
I'm drowning in a sea of shallow people wearing a mask of depth.

So many of the people who meet me have told me I'd be a girl's dream boy, but I really find that hard to believe. If I'm meant to be this super spectacular person, then why has my life been a cycle of constant abandonment? Surely there must be something seriously wrong with me, which I already knew, but it only adds insult to injury. It's been said insanity is to try the same thing again and expect different results. Well, I'm not going to be insane, or be anyone's dog. I'm done with this circus of mine called life. I'll just accept I deserve to die alone, and catch a bus ticket ride to the next world. There's no value in the act of living for me anymore.

No more stupid games. To my future partner, if they really do exist; I'm sorry, but you should have come into my life earlier. You probably would have been the best thing that ever happened to me, and my reason to live. Alas, the world has shrouded me in its blanket and told me to go to sleep. There isn't anything I can do about this.

Sweet dreams.

 

[The_screaming_dawn]

I can relate quite heavily to this as well. I don't really feel as though I belong. My "friends" never seem particularily interested in what I say and typically ignore me if in a group setting. What a joyful life it is.

 

[carnivalforone]

i just wish i was a priority to someone, i wish theyd notice me following them when theres a trio and theres only space for 2 on the sidewalk, i wish i wasnt so alone.

 

[achb]

Yeah I felt this. Never the main friend. Always a side friend. Never the first choice. It is what it is. But it's hallowing.

I don't know how to get closer to people. Nothing I do seems successful. I always end up with shallow a shallow friendship compared to the others. Even the ones I find first.

 

[depthss]

this has been an issue my entire life, idk how to describe it but i feel like im a less important part of my friend groups, i feel like im just an addon on the group, a weird lump whos just there and not adding much, the one that follows the rest like a lost dog, i feel like im just a burden on them, they just focus on each other and i just sometimes feel like im just an addon, and it hurtttsss cuz i love them, i feel like im a dog, waiting for one of them to come home and give me the attention ive been seeking all my life, i wag my tail and love them unconditionally i cry all their tears and i always wait for them by the doorstep, i know i sound like an attention seeking whore abd i know not everything is about me but.....i wanna be the main character for once

I understand that completely, I was in the same situation with my old friend group. I can really empathize. Sending love

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I can relate to these feelings; you basically summarized most of my childhood. It is a tough feeling when everyone is closer to each other than to you. It sounds like you've sacrificed a lot for these other relationships, only to not receive the same amount of affection in return. Getting close with other people is really difficult; there's always a certain set of social cues, shared interests, and history to have before you can reach the next 'stage' of friendship. Sending you love

 

[Abyssal]

Recognizing you are the side friend is another level of agonizing. Realistically speaking there's much worse to experience, but few things in my life have come close to the pain of being the side friend.

If it's any consolation, I would definitely be a loyal friend of yours if I knew you irl. Us side friends gotta stick together.