Feeling like I need to make my exit soon

[AbandonedApe]

I'm terrified right now. A year ago I went through a horrific experience of psychosis and during that time I hallucinated one of my mum's friends saying he was going to rape me and slit my throat while he did it. For months afterwards I would hear his voice tormenting me every time I go to sleep. My mum knows I have massive trauma related to this but today she cheerfully announces she's inviting him over for Easter, when just hearing his voice on the phone sends me into a panic and I have to reach for my anxiety meds.

I broke down in tears and hyperventilated and she eventually said okay he won't come but she spent the next 40 minutes trying to convince me around to the idea telling me how my trauma isn't real because it never happened and I need to get over my fear. So I'm terrified that she's lied and will still invite him over.

It's worse because this man has said some creepy things about me to her like how he wants to get in bed with me and cuddle me because of a dream he had about me. He's never even spoken to me once so this is especially gross. And worse still she told me about him saying this like I should be happy he said that. I'm a fully grown 31 year old man but I get major creep vibes from him and I'm fucking terrified that maybe the stuff I heard about him wanting to rape me wasn't even a hallucination after all, and my mum is wanting to pave the way for it to happen.

I need to speed up my exit because I can't relive that trauma with him here in person. I'm thinking of SN since it would be the easiest to get and I have Risperidone so I don't need an anti emetic. Also considering the BDO method since I used to be addicted to it and could at least feel pleasant before I go. I'm even tempted to try poisoning myself by Desert Rose, a plant I have that apparently produces cardio toxic poisons in it's sap but I'm worried about how painful that would be, plus there isn't any info about how much would be required to kill me.

Sorry I know this is just a rambly vent but I'm so terrified right now and can't calm down.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such an awful situation, it's so cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence, I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.

 

[AbandonedApe]

That sounds like such an awful situation, it's so cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence, I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.

Thank you for your kind words. I wish I could calm down, I took my Xanax earlier and it helped a tiny bit but hours after our conversation I'm still shaking and terrified. I wish I had the resources on hand to CTB tonight. I might just try the Desert Rose and pray it's enough and works.

 

[F@#$]

Ok so, you're a 31 year old man,correct? And your moms friend also a man told her he wants to cuddle with you?
If this is the case and you aren't cool with it a good swift punch in the face may be the solution to your problem.

 

[AbandonedApe]

Ok so, you're a 31 year old man,correct? And your moms friend also a man told her he wants to cuddle with you?
If this is the case and you aren't cool with it a good swift punch in the face may be the solution to your problem.

I wish it were that easy but I'm a skinny weak fucker who hasn't been in a fight since I was 12 years old, and my family have the key to my room and I'm afraid they're going to lock me in with him and let him do whatever he likes to me.

 

[F@#$]

You'd be surprised what standing up to a bully will do. That dudes a chicken shit pussy that thinks you're an easy target.

 

[Mayonaise]

I'm afraid they're going to lock me in with him and let him do whatever he likes to me.

Why would they do that? I mean, your mother may not be that empathetic but I really doubt she'd do such a horrible thing to her own son. Do the two of you have a good relationship? And please, do not even try poisoning yourself with that plant, it's very unreliable and most likely very painful

 

[AbandonedApe]

Why would they do that? I mean, your mother may not be that empathetic but I really doubt she'd do such a horrible thing to her own son. Do the two of you have a good relationship? And please, do not even try poisoning yourself with that plant, it's very unreliable and most likely very painful

Thankfully she listened to me and he didn't come. I've actually been doing a lot better these last few weeks, ideation dropped significantly but now I've just been hit with the fact that one of my dogs has to be put down and they think she was poisoned and I feel right back to square one.