Feeling like a hypocrite

[Abyssopelagic]

So, for background: I recently lost a very close friend, who decided to ctb in december via SN. She had given it thought, and had spoken about it with me, so it wasn't a surprise and I did support her through it. Of course the loss still hit me very heavily, and I miss her dearly, and after a good deal of thought (and the very rapid increase of legislation in the US that threatens my existence on its own) I've decided that I want to buy SN myself, not for immediate use but to have on hand in case things get really bad and I decide that it's time to put my fate in my own hands, so to speak.

However, I have another friend that has periodic suicidal episodes, but very acutely and suddenly, and of course I would never call the authorities on him or try to flat-out guilt him out of anything, but even so, the degree to which I try to make sure he doesn't do anything impulsively (phone calls, check-ins, long text threads, etc) makes me feel like such a hypocrite, especially when I have the taking the bus on the back of my mind as my most likely destination on this fucked up journey of life that I've been on. I always recommend to people that they make this decision after a good deal of thought, so it's informed rather than impulsive, but I still feel so awful to try and keep someone from ctb when it's something I am planning on doing myself. He knows about what happened with my friend last year, so he doesn't seem to really think I'm being genuine to begin with, but I suppose that's something I can't control, even if he's mistaken there. If he chose that after great thought I would fly there in a heartbeat to be there in person so he wouldn't be alone going through with it, but telling him every few months to not make that decision on a whim leaves a bad taste in my mouth, even if I feel like that's ultimately a good call to make. Maybe I'm wrong there, or being selfish, I don't know.

Anyone else feel this way, or have had similar experiences? I'm having a good deal of trouble finding a SN source since most sites will not ship to my state anymore, and that is my preferred source now that N is almost impossible to source in the US at this point from what I understand, so perhaps my own likelihood to ctb is lower than I'd like to think, but I do feel like a hypocrite for being supportive of one friend's long-researched trip to the other side while trying to keep my other friend from making that decision on impulse, especially when I too am hoping to one day ctb, sooner rather than later. If I'm wrong here, or being selfish, please let me know.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really hypocrtical to do that, as I bet that you wouldn't want to be treated in such a way yourself when you are planning to die. I just think that after all if that person wants to die then that's their decision, it's the most compassionate thing to let people make their own decisions as after all you cannot experience existence in the same way. And I think it's insensitive telling other people not to ctb, it's just not your decision to make, nobody is obligated to continue existing here if they don't wish to. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[CentreMid]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm not a psychologist, so feel free to take what I say with copious amounts of salt. But given how recent this other event was, I think the way you're reacting to your second friend is a trauma response. It's certainly traumatic to lose someone you consider to be a friend, and the thought of losing another one so close sounds soul-crushing, so I can understand why you would try to keep your other friend.

That being said, I think the best and most productive thing to do for your second friend is support their decisions, even if you may not like it. I know you're grieving, so it may be difficult to accept their choices right at the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, I think that would be the most productive thing to do. Best of luck.

 

[Abyssopelagic]

Thank you for your honesty. I've been having trouble separating the situations sometimes or knowing if I should separate the situations at all, though they were truly very very different scenarios, but at the end of the day I do want to support him in whatever he decides to do. Though evidently that's something I maybe have been failing at. From now on I should probably just leave it be, if he wants to talk to have someone on the line like he has been then I'll be there but if not then I won't get involved, unless he wants someone to be there through it without stopping it, which is definitely what I want for myself if and when I make the transition. My main concern has been him making an impulsive decision based on singular events, which is something I have also seen reflected here in some threads (not in the sense of saying something is wrong or bad to do, just to sit back and make sure it's what you want before going through with it) and have been trying to emulate myself. I can't argue that trauma doesn't play a part in this, though, so my judgement and what comparisons I think I am making may very well be clouded. Again, I appreciate the honesty. The last thing I want to do is make him feel judged or further alienated, and if I've already done that then I hope I can mend it while I still can.