Feeling like a fraud for still existing

[Greyhawk]

Anyone else feel guilty for still being alive while reading about other people CTB in this site? I keep switching between trying to recover and then convincing myself that I'm going to end it but never have the courage to actually go through with it. I can't shake off the feeling of being "fake" and I'm afraid that my whole life is going to be like this. I hope I can get past my SI at some point.

 

[fuzzypeach]

yeah like i wish i could just commit to one or the other instead of going back and forth

 

[niki wonoto]

yeah, i can deeply relate too, i just feel so pathetic
- from Indonesia -

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. I feel like I missed it, that I'm already not supposed to be here.

 

[lpdsvm]

I think setting the right reasons to CTB will be the best thing to do.
What makes one stay to alive. SI won't kick in much if the person is trapped without any way to escape. It might mean you still have hope and things sometimes get better without us realizing about it. It also depends on the method. For example, violent methods like heights will always make me feel extremely scared. I can't even look down. SI will not work if someone is chasing me with torture devices.

No need to feel any guilt. I was even scared to order SN. I was fidgeting while it was being delivered. I played a dialogue in my head multiple times about what I would say and prepared some proof and why I got it. No need. It was not necessary to even think about it. No one asked. No one came.

Life is very unstable. Now it's great and in an hour it's so awful. I have it often.

 

[fallen.dove]

yeah im switching between wanting to recover and wanting to ctb too. idk what should i do at this point lol. im so tired

 

[lpdsvm]

yeah im switching between wanting to recover and wanting to ctb too. idk what should i do at this point lol. im so tired

I want to have a method when the time will come. So for me it's more like (maybe recover but I doubt - CTB now (I cannot because I set the reason and they are still not satisfied to CTB) - CTB in the future (more likely to happen so I need a method)
I need the right method now to feel more confident because I feel I will sure need it. Not today. Maybe not even in a month but in a year. Whatever. It is already helping me now cope with all this BULLSH$T in my life.

 

[fallen.dove]

yeah me too tho. i want to have everything prepared just in case but im scared of my mom finding a gun or sth in my room…

 

[badatparties]

With almost a year on this site, yeah, no way i could last 3 years or more, I'LL CTB or leave.

 

[a4001]

Yeah, honestly. A ton of that for like a large portion of my life. Worst of both worlds, being in this state of living death.