I never used to cry. Up until recently I probably hadn't shed tears for about 14 years. Now I can burst into tears several times a day I feel so overwhelmed with my physical health and my constant anxiety that I've been dealing with for years. I live on my own and I'm alone 99% of the time. Sometimes I wander aimlessly around my flat I don't know what do do. I never feel calm anymore. I used to go out sometimes but now I have no energy or will to go out at all. My GP doesn't listen. Doctors don't listen. My family doesn't listen. I'm left constantly trying to self-diagnose myself which is what my GP and doctors are supposed to do. I'm sitting around every day waiting for a gastroscopy appointment at the end of the month. The healthcare system is unbearably slow, not just for me but for everyone. I'm terrified that it won't show anything and I'll be dismissed. Then I'll have to back to my GP and explain my symptoms yet again. I've already done it several times. He thinks because I have aspergers its all in my head. I'm spoken down to like I'm stupid. There is no empathy, compassion or understanding. He just prescribes me generic pain medication which does absolutely nothing. I am so stressed I can barely function and I don't even have a job or any responsibilites unlike most people on SS and in the real world. This forum and all you amazing people is the only thing thats given me a little bit of hope. It's comforting to know that there are a lot of others out there who can understand the pain. I was adamant I was going to cbt in October and wasn't going to bother pursing treatment. Then I found this place and decided to give it a try. But I still have no faith in doctors or the healthcare system and I may cbt soon in December. The last thing I want is to start another year feeling like this. What I really want is someone to listen to me and try to help me but I know through dealing with doctors that this is impossible. It doesn't help that I have family who say "sometimes you just have to deal with the pain and go about your life" that would be okay if I had a diagnosis and guidance on how to deal with my pain. The people that tell me this are diagnosed with specific conditions. I am not. I'm not an angry person but when I'm told this I just want to lash out and punch them. I don't know whats wrong with me and nobody is interested to find out.
I never used to cry. Up until recently I probably hadn't shed tears for about 14 years. Now I can burst into tears several times a day I feel so overwhelmed with my physical health and my constant anxiety that I've been dealing with for years. I live on my own and I'm alone 99% of the time. Sometimes I wander aimlessly around my flat I don't know what do do. I never feel calm anymore. I used to go out sometimes but now I have no energy or will to go out at all. My GP doesn't listen. Doctors don't listen. My family doesn't listen. I'm left constantly trying to self-diagnose myself which is what my GP and doctors are supposed to do. I'm sitting around every day waiting for a gastroscopy appointment at the end of the month. The healthcare system is unbearably slow, not just for me but for everyone. I'm terrified that it won't show anything and I'll be dismissed. Then I'll have to back to my GP and explain my symptoms yet again. I've already done it several times. He thinks because I have aspergers its all in my head. I'm spoken down to like I'm stupid. There is no empathy, compassion or understanding. He just prescribes me generic pain medication which does absolutely nothing. I am so stressed I can barely function and I don't even have a job or any responsibilites unlike most people on SS and in the real world. This forum and all you amazing people is the only thing thats given me a little bit of hope. It's comforting to know that there are a lot of others out there who can understand the pain. I was adamant I was going to cbt in October and wasn't going to bother pursing treatment. Then I found this place and decided to give it a try. But I still have no faith in doctors or the healthcare system and I may cbt soon in December. The last thing I want is to start another year feeling like this. What I really want is someone to listen to me and try to help me but I know through dealing with doctors that this is impossible. It doesn't help that I have family who say "sometimes you just have to deal with the pain and go about your life" that would be okay if I had a diagnosis and guidance on how to deal with my pain. The people that tell me this are diagnosed with specific conditions. I am not. I'm not an angry person but when I'm told this I just want to lash out and punch them. I don't know whats wrong with me and nobody is interested to find out.
If you've read this thank you so much for listening and I'm sorry if I've rambled on too much.
I really appreciate everyone on this forum.
You have described me pretty well in your post. I don't know if you've read any of my other postings on here, but one of the things I have been doing since I got here is ranting and raving about doctors and how much I hate them and don't trust them and how useless they are. Doctors have been counting me out since the day I was born and not listening to me or trying to help me, so I completely understand what you're going through.
I've been depressed for pretty much my entire life, and I've been trying to get help for it for the past 36 years off & on. All I ever get offered is another new antidepressant and told to go to therapy. If pills and therapy worked, I would've been fixed decades ago!
Yet every time I see a doctor, even though I tell them I've already done pretty much every antidepressant there is and I've been in and out of therapy so many times I've lost count, they still insist that even though it didn't work any of the other times—it might work this time. >eye roll<
I've had hypothyroidism for 23 years. When I was first diagnosed, I was given Synthroid and at that point I was declared "cured". Yes, I actually had a Dr who told me I was cured, in those words. The Synthroid did absolutely nothing for me and for 13 years I begged every doctor I could find to change my medicine, but no one would. All I got was a lot of condescension, talking down to me, telling me it was all in my head, being called a Hypochondriac and a "drug seeker".
I finally got so sick that I couldn't get out of bed, I was barely functioning but I still couldn't get a doctor to believe there was anything wrong with me. Eventually I just accepted the fact that I was probably going to die, and I started hoping it would come quickly because of how horrible I felt. When I was at my very lowest, I went to a doctor for a completely unrelated matter, and he offered to switch me to a more natural thyroid drug called Armour Thyroid. The Armour Thyroid helped me to some degree in the beginning, but even this doctor didn't put me on a high enough dose for me to ever get completely well. Shortly after this happened, my husband became very ill very quickly and was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. I spent five years taking care of him and put my own health problems on the back burner. I was struggling every day to do what I had to do to take care of him, but I somehow made it through. He passed away two years ago and I spent last year struggling with the aftermath of his death and moving across the country
(with no help from anyone) because I couldn't stand to live in the same area I lived with him. I couldn't even go out to the mailbox without bursting into tears.
I've now been where I'm living now for a little over a year. In that time, I've aged about 20 years. My health has taken a nosedive since my husband's death. I recently went to a doctor again, mostly to get my sister-in-law off my back, and as usual he prescribed yet another antidepressant and told me to go into therapy, and gave me a very slight raise in my thyroid medicine that has done absolutely nothing to help me feel better.
It's incredibly frustrating. I was intending to ctb last week, but I decided I'd wait until after the holidays. I really hate the thought of spending another Thanksgiving and Christmas season here, but I figured as my last generous gesture, I would stick around for one last holiday season to spare the few loved ones I have left from dealing with my death around the holidays and do it in early January. Sometimes I regret my decision to wait.
I completely know what you mean about being talked down to by doctors and being told that sometimes you just have to deal with the pain and go on with your life. What a bunch of crap! The last time I was at the doctor I was having a severe dizzy spell and I felt like total crap and he kept complaining to me that I wasn't smiling. I felt like saying, "why don't you go out to your car and slam your finger in the door and see if you can still smile!". It's like they don't care how bad you're feeling, but they don't want you to make them feel bad, so you need to at least pretend like you're not feeling bad, even if you are. I spent most of my life pretending for other people so that they wouldn't feel bad. Since my husband died, I don't care anymore. If people don't like the way I am they can stay away from me. I live alone too & I'm by myself 99% of the time, though for me it's mostly by choice. Being around other people is just too exhausting for me these days. I don't have the energy to put on a show for people like I used to and pretend like I'm someone I'm not or like I'm OK when I'm not or whatever—which is what people expect me to do.
Anyway, it's good to have a place where you can share your true feelings and not worry about being judged by people.
I hope your appointment at the end of the month goes well.
