michii
New Member
- Jun 9, 2025
- 1
Hello everyone,
I only made this account recently, but I've been lurking here for a while and thought it was about time I said hi. I'm a bit shy, so I may not interact much with others at first, but I will try.
Sorry for the long rant, but I feel like I really needed to get all of this out.
I've had depression ever since I was 13. Things got really bad really fast and it felt like I was never getting out of there. I even tried to ctb a few times but failed.
Because of the antidepressants apathy became a big part of who I was. I still tried to pretend I was fine but it was all a farse.
Then, about ten years later, things started to look up. I stopped taking antidepressants and quit therapy altogether (which, honestly, had only made me feel worse) and for the first time in a while, I felt a bit more hopeful.
I got a part-time retail job. It had its downsides, sure, but it kept me busy and forced me out of the house. For a while, things felt good, until I realized they really weren't. I was still pretending.
So, I decided to give therapy another try. I found a private therapist and, in just one session, I realized how bad all my previous therapists had been. I started adhd meds, which really helped for a while. Life was starting to feel... good.
I was going out more, planning trips with friends, and I was even excited to go to work every day. I still had down moments and struggles, but I was actually looking forward to the future. I was initially looking for someone to test me for adhd, which I thought was my main problem. New therapist helped with that, but also mentioned that he could see other untreated issues as well and that we could try to work on those too. Things were going well for the most part so I agreed.
This time, therapy was really eye-opening to me and it made me realise so many things about myself and others that I never considered. Not gonna lie, it's been pretty rough trying to accept some of those things lately. Which brings me to this last bit.
I consider myself a pretty cheerful person I like working hard on things, putting effort into something and seeing the result, even if it's bad, that only encourages me to try again and do better. I also like to help others if I can, because I know what it's like to be in a bad place and not have anyone. And I did that because I was happy to do so! I never expected anything in return. There where some situations where I really needed help and no one was there for me, but I wasn't upset or sad about that. I rarely ask for help even when I need it anyways so it was fine.
Until one day, while at work, I suffered a pretty big anxiety attack from a bunch of stress that had been building up for the past few weeks. I tried asking for help, I tried reaching out to someone, anyone, but I was alone. I felt so lost and so scared. I thought I had made a connection with some people there, friends, so why, when I needed it the most, was I alone?
This happened quite recently. I now feel so dumb for trying so hard. I've been trying to tone down my emotions and resist the urge to help others. I go and do my work. If I see someone struggling, I don't offer them help, I just mind my business. I've also lowered my efforts in my tasks. I never got any praises or anything for trying harder. No one really seemed to notice, and it just left me more tired at the end of the day. So yeah, I'm just doing the bare minimum now, and you know the best part? Nothing has changed. Again, because no one has even noticed.
I know this isn't the best solution, but it's the only thing helping me cope with all of this at the moment.
I'm pretty lost in life. I don't know what I want to do with myself. There's nothing I like. I can't think of a job that would make me happy and I could earn enough to live without having to worry too much about rent and bills. What I studied burned me out so much I don't want to go near it again. I have no aspirations, no dreams, no hopes for the future. I only want the pain to stop. And with all this "not caring/doing the bare minimum" thing I'm becoming someone I'm not. So if being me doesn't work, I see no point in continuing to live constantly trying to repress my very being.
I plan to ctb sometime in the near future. I think the SN method is the best for me since I want it to be as peaceful and painless as possible. It's just that - finding a source, managing to get it without any issues, testing the purity, trying to get antiemetics, etc. I don't have the energy for it right now. I'm not giving up on it though.
The only thing that makes me reconsider this decission is my cat. She's the sweetest thing ever and loves me so much and I her, it deeply upsets me that she'll feel abandoned or get really sad about it. But I know she'll be taken care of, and even though I feel horrible for even thinking about leaving her like this, I can't keep going.
And writing this makes it feel like my problems aren't that big of a deal, but I feel such despair every single day that I just want to find some peace.
I only made this account recently, but I've been lurking here for a while and thought it was about time I said hi. I'm a bit shy, so I may not interact much with others at first, but I will try.
Sorry for the long rant, but I feel like I really needed to get all of this out.
I've had depression ever since I was 13. Things got really bad really fast and it felt like I was never getting out of there. I even tried to ctb a few times but failed.
Because of the antidepressants apathy became a big part of who I was. I still tried to pretend I was fine but it was all a farse.
Then, about ten years later, things started to look up. I stopped taking antidepressants and quit therapy altogether (which, honestly, had only made me feel worse) and for the first time in a while, I felt a bit more hopeful.
I got a part-time retail job. It had its downsides, sure, but it kept me busy and forced me out of the house. For a while, things felt good, until I realized they really weren't. I was still pretending.
So, I decided to give therapy another try. I found a private therapist and, in just one session, I realized how bad all my previous therapists had been. I started adhd meds, which really helped for a while. Life was starting to feel... good.
I was going out more, planning trips with friends, and I was even excited to go to work every day. I still had down moments and struggles, but I was actually looking forward to the future. I was initially looking for someone to test me for adhd, which I thought was my main problem. New therapist helped with that, but also mentioned that he could see other untreated issues as well and that we could try to work on those too. Things were going well for the most part so I agreed.
This time, therapy was really eye-opening to me and it made me realise so many things about myself and others that I never considered. Not gonna lie, it's been pretty rough trying to accept some of those things lately. Which brings me to this last bit.
I consider myself a pretty cheerful person I like working hard on things, putting effort into something and seeing the result, even if it's bad, that only encourages me to try again and do better. I also like to help others if I can, because I know what it's like to be in a bad place and not have anyone. And I did that because I was happy to do so! I never expected anything in return. There where some situations where I really needed help and no one was there for me, but I wasn't upset or sad about that. I rarely ask for help even when I need it anyways so it was fine.
Until one day, while at work, I suffered a pretty big anxiety attack from a bunch of stress that had been building up for the past few weeks. I tried asking for help, I tried reaching out to someone, anyone, but I was alone. I felt so lost and so scared. I thought I had made a connection with some people there, friends, so why, when I needed it the most, was I alone?
This happened quite recently. I now feel so dumb for trying so hard. I've been trying to tone down my emotions and resist the urge to help others. I go and do my work. If I see someone struggling, I don't offer them help, I just mind my business. I've also lowered my efforts in my tasks. I never got any praises or anything for trying harder. No one really seemed to notice, and it just left me more tired at the end of the day. So yeah, I'm just doing the bare minimum now, and you know the best part? Nothing has changed. Again, because no one has even noticed.
I know this isn't the best solution, but it's the only thing helping me cope with all of this at the moment.
I'm pretty lost in life. I don't know what I want to do with myself. There's nothing I like. I can't think of a job that would make me happy and I could earn enough to live without having to worry too much about rent and bills. What I studied burned me out so much I don't want to go near it again. I have no aspirations, no dreams, no hopes for the future. I only want the pain to stop. And with all this "not caring/doing the bare minimum" thing I'm becoming someone I'm not. So if being me doesn't work, I see no point in continuing to live constantly trying to repress my very being.
I plan to ctb sometime in the near future. I think the SN method is the best for me since I want it to be as peaceful and painless as possible. It's just that - finding a source, managing to get it without any issues, testing the purity, trying to get antiemetics, etc. I don't have the energy for it right now. I'm not giving up on it though.
The only thing that makes me reconsider this decission is my cat. She's the sweetest thing ever and loves me so much and I her, it deeply upsets me that she'll feel abandoned or get really sad about it. But I know she'll be taken care of, and even though I feel horrible for even thinking about leaving her like this, I can't keep going.
And writing this makes it feel like my problems aren't that big of a deal, but I feel such despair every single day that I just want to find some peace.
hello
