Venting Feeling guilty, anyone else?

[FrankieMay]

Hey, I've lurked around here a while but never actually posted.
Attempted to ctb 2 months ago but got found out too early and ended up in hospital for 3 weeks. Now home on a bunch of meds including citalopram

I still want to ctb but I'm spending so much time with my family, making plans for vacations , my sisters graduation etc. My dad (who's anti-religion) told me that he went to a church and prayed, and prays every time he walks past that church.

The guilt I'm feeling about my plans to end it all are immense. But I feel it's the best thing for me and everyone around me in the long run. I didn't feel like this the first time but I was away from my family and not on this medication - could that be causing these feelings? And does anyone else feel like this?

N.b. I'm only continuing the meds because they help control my impulse to ctb (I think). I need to wait a month until my brother finishes his exams (trying to be respectful). Any idea when I should stop taking them and any precautions?

Thanks x

 

[Partial-Elf]

I don't have any advice for you, but there are parts of this I can relate to quite a bit. Trying to schedule a day to ctb was difficult since my brother's graduation, mom's birthday, parents' anniversary, and Father's Day all fall this time of year and I don't want to destroy my family's lives any more than I already will be.

Of course the waiting for months to be past all those is agony. What a messed up world we live in that this choice isn't respected. It's made me realize that despite all the "muh individual freedom" talk in America, people are viewed as property of the larger social whole and legislated upon as such. If individual freedoms were really respected: suicide would be permissible for all (including with physician assistance), there would be no pro life laws, circumcision would be banned, all drugs would be legal, etc.

The moralistic, shitty government in this country is one of the reasons I want to ctb. I was telling my gf this and she said "well, people in the US are more free than most other places in the world." My reply: "all the more reason! You're proving my point."

 

[Donewith_]

I am feeling guilty. I am always a messed up person.
I have messed up everything finally and if i knew that no one is effected by the shit I've done.. i would be very happy.
So many people have been hurt around me and this is too much for me to take, their kindness.
Instead of telling me to pick myself up, they are trying harder from their side to see if they can turn things around and make a difference.
Never thought things this worse would happen because of me, I have caused a lot of destruction.

and sorry i have no idea about when to stop taking those meds.

 

[Alchemist]

Not really. I don't owe anything to anyone and the world has abandoned me when I needed it the most. I don't really expect any reaction from my death other than what society asks for people to feel.

 

[Chalken]

Oh yeah, I feel guilty as hell. My parents go out of their way to help me, support me, but I'm throwing all of it away by CTB. I wish was never born.

 

[FrankieMay]

I'm so glad I'm not alone

I hope you guys find a way to cope x

 

[DaniDee]

That guilty feeling is even worse for me than the stupid SI...

I keep thinking how my son will feel when I'm gone and if he'll hate me and resent me and what kind of impact it will have on his life etc.

I don't consider myself a "good" mother but I try as best as I can...even if it's not good enough.

So yes I have the guilt too, it maybe stops me now from ctb but eventually I know I'll overcome it... Guilt is almost like a new SI tactic sneaky bugger

 

[JadedGray]

I feel some guilt because my parents have tried their best to help me, but there's nothing they can do. They've put up with me this long and I don't want it to continue. I know I'm only going to deteriorate further, and to me that would be worse than me passing. I don't want it to get to the point where they can't remember how I was before I became chronically depressed/suicidal because it's been going on for so long and I can no longer remember. I've been like this longer than not. I only wished I had done it when I still was able to feel some happiness.

 

[Rainbowdreamer]

I feel guilt bc I know that ctb will deeply hurt my sister, my father, and my grandparents. Especially my sister and my father and my mom's mom.

Our family has had a lot of loss, so I think that another one will just be that much heavier.

I know it will affect my friends, too, but I've done as much as I can to warn them that being my friend and caring about me is a risk. I've talked with most of them openly about suicidality, and told them that there will probably come a day where I will ctb. Most of them have expressed understanding and empathy.

Finding a right time to ctb has been hard. I need enough time to get my affairs in order, but not so much time for me to lose my nerve. It's currently the end of May, and I've loosely chosen the beginning of November as wen I'll ctb. Yeah, that is right before all the holidays, but at least my family can bond together and support eachother through that time.

I dunno, the guilt is consuming, but I comfort myself by thinking about how much easier their lives will be once the dust settles. That's what I try to think about.

 

[BrokenSoul]

Guilt is tough one I can relate to as well. It's hard for me to talk to many people about my suicidal thoughts because they get sad and say how they will miss me and how it will affect them if I decide to ctb. I don't think all of them are doing it on purpose to guilt me into living but it's hard to deal with with that. So I've been "living for others" so they don't get hurt by my ctb.

There comes a time when that's not enough anymore. Why live just so others don't hurt.. what about my hurting?

 

[Freedom21]

I am in terrible pain both physical and emotional. My parents are saints. I'm 21 and they support me so much. I want to kill myself and have tried partial can't pass out and 3 other attempts at 13, 18 and recently again this week. Those attempts were serious not practice. Treatment centers and the therapy since 11 years old. I don't want to be a burden that's my biggest fear and I have expressed it to them. They assured me that's completely untrue but I still think and feel it's true. I'm in pain but I don't want them to feel guilty or like it's their fault. I've been fighting for such a long time though. I have an amazing family why don't I feel loved or cared for? Why do I feel like everyone would be better off without me? I feel bad saying this but I wish I had cancer or something so I could die without thinking they could have helped me. I'm in so much pain but I don't want them to be sad. My parents have suggested CBD or ketamine. I owe it to them to try it right? Any thoughts on CBD or ketamine and has anyone tried them?

 

[FrankieMay]

I am in terrible pain both physical and emotional. My parents are saints. I'm 21 and they support me so much. I want to kill myself and have tried partial can't pass out and 3 other attempts at 13, 18 and recently again this week. Those attempts were serious not practice. Treatment centers and the therapy since 11 years old. I don't want to be a burden that's my biggest fear and I have expressed it to them. They assured me that's completely untrue but I still think and feel it's true. I'm in pain but I don't want them to feel guilty or like it's their fault. I've been fighting for such a long time though. I have an amazing family why don't I feel loved or cared for? Why do I feel like everyone would be better off without me? I feel bad saying this but I wish I had cancer or something so I could die without thinking they could have helped me. I'm in so much pain but I don't want them to be sad. My parents have suggested CBD or ketamine. I owe it to them to try it right? Any thoughts on CBD or ketamine and has anyone tried them?

I feel so sick myself for wishing cancer etc upon myself but i wish I could take someone else's suffering away

I haven't tried cbt or ket but I saw a documentary that suggested early ketamine research works quickly but only for about 4 months. They did some brain implant surgery that worked though. I think the doco was pbs, about bipolar, 'my mind and me' or something

 

[AxsenInsomnia]

I guess the best thing you can do is hope your family can understand. Maybe not tell them outright, but finding some ways to help them realize maybe ctb wasnt the worst thing to do considering how you felt and thought.