Feeling guilty about leaving my family

[stermc]

Hello, everyone!
I am sure a lot of people have talked about this point, but I wanted to tell you guys a little bit about my situation.

As I have said in some other threads I have a very loving and caring family. This is enough for me to feel kinda guilty, but not enough for keeping me from killing myself, because I know they would understand.

The fact is that my older brother (he is 31 and still lives with my mom, my sister and I) is addicted to weed and cocaine since he was 17 or so.
My parents tried everything to help him and they didn't want to put him in rehab because, at the time, he didn't want to go. But things started to get worse. He lost more than 15kg, was using everyday, many times, selling stuff to buy drugs…

My mom told him to start treatment here, with a psychiatrist and therapist, the NA and AA meetings (I don't know how to say these names in english). He said he would do it, but, of course, he didn't. He was just using more and more.
So, finally, he agreed to go to rehab.
It's been 10 days he's been there. We went to visit him today and he said he was being well treated, but he also said a lot of stuff (I think he has psychosis or something like that, but it's too soon to have a diagnose).

Anyway, my parents are so sad. They feel worried all the time, they miss him all the time and they don't open up to me because of my situation (that they are aware of).

Also, my dad is going through some financial difficulties.
My mom is studying to get a job she has always wanted.

And here I am, stocking SN, buying pills and writing goodbye letters.

I feel horrible.
I really want to die and I think I am ready. I am not afraid of dying anymore, but it feels wrong to do it when everyone I love the most is going through so much. They are vulnerable and me killing myself would mess things up a lot for them.

I don't know what to do. I am so confused.

I know they will suffer if I kill myself any time, but now it would probably break them.

I want to go, but how am I supposed to go knowing I will let them in this situation?

Just the thought of waiting more time in this life haunts me. But also the thought of ruining their lives, even for a period of time, haunts me too.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound like a difficult situation to be in, and it must be awful feeling so trapped. I believe that nobody should have to stay here a second longer than they wish to, but of course only you know when it's the right time to leave this world. Anyway, I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[stermc]

That really does sound like a difficult situation to be in, and it must be awful feeling so trapped. I believe that nobody should have to stay here a second longer than they wish to, but of course only you know when it's the right time to leave this world. Anyway, I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.

I also believe nobody should have to stay here longer than they wish to. And trust me, I don't want to stay another second. But I feel like I can't do this to my family right now. So I have to keep going for at least a little while, but just to think of it… it's horrible.

Anyway, thank you for your kind words and for validating my feelings.
I also wish you freedom from this existence.

 

[lyles]

I wish I had any good advice but we are in similar positions. It's hard when you love someone and when you care deeply for their happiness. To the point it outweighs your own sometimes. I don't know the answer, I just know I stay for them.

 

[Freedom21]

I have a good relationship with my family and I know killing myself would devastate them but I also am in so much pain. Idk I also don't want to be a burden and I don't want them to financially support me. It's a constant circle of pain and guilt. I don't like my method right now and maybe I will try to be independent financially enough to partly rent a apartment and then buy a gun. I live in a state where it is easier and I don't have any stuff on my record beside one baker act when I just turned 18. I wish I could explain that I truly am in so much pain and if I stay alive for them I want to die on the day they do. They have admitted they feel like because I'm not independent really that I'm still a child in their eyes and are closest to me. They don't love me siblings any less just I guess I'm still their little girl.

 

[asterisk3]

Take care of yourself. Your suffering is valid and (from what I see) bad enough already. If you can and WANT to endure some more pain for your family so the pain of both of your brother and yours don't happen together then that's a valid plan. We never know what could happen tomorrow (maybe even worse things could happen), but you're doing at this moment what you think is right. I hope you can get through all of this and not suffer so much. Sorry if my words don't make much sense

 

[stermc]

I wish I had any good advice but we are in similar positions. It's hard when you love someone and when you care deeply for their happiness. To the point it outweighs your own sometimes. I don't know the answer, I just know I stay for them.

I hope things get easier for you. I am sorry.

I have a good relationship with my family and I know killing myself would devastate them but I also am in so much pain. Idk I also don't want to be a burden and I don't want them to financially support me. It's a constant circle of pain and guilt. I don't like my method right now and maybe I will try to be independent financially enough to partly rent a apartment and then buy a gun. I live in a state where it is easier and I don't have any stuff on my record beside one baker act when I just turned 18. I wish I could explain that I truly am in so much pain and if I stay alive for them I want to die on the day they do. They have admitted they feel like because I'm not independent really that I'm still a child in their eyes and are closest to me. They don't love me siblings any less just I guess I'm still their little girl.

I am sorry you are in this situation.
Feeling like a burden is the worst, but sometimes we just think we are a burden. Maybe we are not.
Don't you feel comfortable talking to them about your feelings towards suicide?

Everything is so hard. Their suffering is valid but what about ours, you know? It's hard.

I don't want to be a burden staying alive, but I also don't want to make their lives miserable when it already is because of those situations I mentioned.

Take care of yourself. Your suffering is valid and (from what I see) bad enough already. If you can and WANT to endure some more pain for your family so the pain of both of your brother and yours don't happen together then that's a valid plan. We never know what could happen tomorrow (maybe even worse things could happen), but you're doing at this moment what you think is right. I hope you can get through all of this and not suffer so much. Sorry if my words don't make much sense

Thanks for this.
I wouldn't say I WANT to endure some more pain, and I am not sure I can, but it feels unfair to ctb right now.
I always say that death is around the corner and we don't need to rush to it because it is always an option, but I have been waiting for this moment (to have courage to do it) for 12 y now. I was planning everything since november and etc.
I guess I am going to think more about it. We never know what's going to happen tomorrow, as you said. Maybe I will just do it, impulsively. Maybe I will keep going till they get better.

Your words made much sense. Thanks for replying and for validating my feelings and struggles.

 

[MidnightCat]

It's hard.

I've not ctb already because of my family too.

Specially my wife, she'll be alone in a place at 400km of his nearest family, with a lot of things to manage after my death.


In the other hand, I'm a burden to everyone right now, but apparently it's easier for them this way.


I guess I'll just try and wait until I reach my limit. Could be tomorrow. Could be in a year...

But I prefer to suffer myself rather than making them suffer. However, I do feel like I'm chained to the ground. Not free to fly away.

And that really makes me suffer even more.

But... Gotta do it for them.

 

[Wasted Potential]

I'm in a really similar spot. My parents already lost my brother 3 years ago to a car wreck. I'm the middle child. Still have a younger sibling. I feel trapped. I can only live for them for so long. I told my mom back in September about my suicidal ideation. I told her she needs to just let me go and that I never attended to hurt her or the family. She said she can't loose another child. I feel terrible about what could happen in the future. But at the end of day it's my life. Just sucks because they have done everything they can to give me a good life. Wish I could take advantage of it. I guess all I can do is write a good suicide letter.

 

[theboy]

I understand you

my family would be devastated if I die

How about leaving a letter?

 

[AreWeWinning]

Hello, everyone!
I am sure a lot of people have talked about this point, but I wanted to tell you guys a little bit about my situation.

As I have said in some other threads I have a very loving and caring family. This is enough for me to feel kinda guilty, but not enough for keeping me from killing myself, because I know they would understand.

The fact is that my older brother (he is 31 and still lives with my mom, my sister and I) is addicted to weed and cocaine since he was 17 or so.
My parents tried everything to help him and they didn't want to put him in rehab because, at the time, he didn't want to go. But things started to get worse. He lost more than 15kg, was using everyday, many times, selling stuff to buy drugs…

My mom told him to start treatment here, with a psychiatrist and therapist, the NA and AA meetings (I don't know how to say these names in english). He said he would do it, but, of course, he didn't. He was just using more and more.
So, finally, he agreed to go to rehab.
It's been 10 days he's been there. We went to visit him today and he said he was being well treated, but he also said a lot of stuff (I think he has psychosis or something like that, but it's too soon to have a diagnose).

Anyway, my parents are so sad. They feel worried all the time, they miss him all the time and they don't open up to me because of my situation (that they are aware of).

Also, my dad is going through some financial difficulties.
My mom is studying to get a job she has always wanted.

And here I am, stocking SN, buying pills and writing goodbye letters.

I feel horrible.
I really want to die and I think I am ready. I am not afraid of dying anymore, but it feels wrong to do it when everyone I love the most is going through so much. They are vulnerable and me killing myself would mess things up a lot for them.

I don't know what to do. I am so confused.

I know they will suffer if I kill myself any time, but now it would probably break them.

I want to go, but how am I supposed to go knowing I will let them in this situation?

Just the thought of waiting more time in this life haunts me. But also the thought of ruining their lives, even for a period of time, haunts me too.

One way to look at it is how long these things have been going on. How long have your parents been sad or had financial difficulties? How long have your brother been addicted?

People rarely change. We love and need to help each other. But when a situation is a result of their lifestyle and it's just the way they are is different from a situation caused by an unlikely, unexpected event. When you make your decision, you need to consider that your brother may be addicted and your parents may be sad and have financial difficulties for a very long time going forward.

Maybe your family is the reason why you are suicidal? This can be very difficult to deal with if you love them. Have you considered moving out? Maybe you could get better.

If you are really determined, and your family situation does not significantly contribute to your suicidality, then maybe this time is just as good as any to do it.

 

[stermc]

But I prefer to suffer myself rather than making them suffer. However, I do feel like I'm chained to the ground. Not free to fly away.

That's exactly how I feel.
I just don't know if I can hold on any longer.

Also, sorry for your situation.
Life is unfair.

I'm in a really similar spot. My parents already lost my brother 3 years ago to a car wreck. I'm the middle child. Still have a younger sibling. I feel trapped. I can only live for them for so long. I told my mom back in September about my suicidal ideation. I told her she needs to just let me go and that I never attended to hurt her or the family. She said she can't loose another child. I feel terrible about what could happen in the future. But at the end of day it's my life. Just sucks because they have done everything they can to give me a good life. Wish I could take advantage of it. I guess all I can do is write a good suicide letter.

I also told my mom about my suicidal ideation. She has always known, but this time I said I was going for it. Firstly, she cried a lot and said she couldn't live without me. With time, explaining things to her, she told me she would understand. That she would never leave me alone. She would be with me until the end.
The thing is the circumstances that we are in right now.
She is extra vulnerable because of my brother and the test she is studying for.
I would do it if things were a little bit better, and I know she would suffer but would survive, but if I do it now, her life is going to get messy. My brother would probably have to come home for my funeral, she would stop studying… many things could happen.

I understand you

my family would be devastated if I die

How about leaving a letter?

I would leave a letter, but it's more about the circumstances surrounding my family nowadays that worries me. Leaving a letter wouldn't make much difference tbh because I am really open about mu feeling with my family.

One way to look at it is how long these things have been going on. How long have your parents been sad or had financial difficulties? How long have your brother been addicted?

People rarely change. We love and need to help each other. But when a situation is a result of their lifestyle and it's just the way they are is different from a situation caused by an unlikely, unexpected event. When you make your decision, you need to consider that your brother may be addicted and your parents may be sad and have financial difficulties for a very long time going forward.

Maybe your family is the reason why you are suicidal? This can be very difficult to deal with if you love them. Have you considered moving out? Maybe you could get better.

If you are really determined, and your family situation does not significantly contribute to your suicidality, then maybe this time is just as good as any to do it.

It's not really about how long these things have been happening. It's more about this exact moment that we are living.
It's the first time my brother is in rehab.
The only opportunity my mom has to get this job (she is 59yo and her life was very difficult).
I feel like the circumstances right now are not the best for me to kill myself because it would make more damage than it normally would.
For example, if I killed myself today, my brother would get out of rehab to come home. He would obviously start using again.
My mom would grieve for a long time and she wouldn't be able to study for the test.

My family is absolutely not the reason I am suicidal. My family is the reason I have tried to get better for 12 years. I wish you guys could understand portuguese because then I would write how they are with my own words and you would understand.

I have no way to get another place right now.

I know things rarely change, but there will come a time my brother will be getting better at rehab; my dad will organize his life (because that's what he is trying to do right now); my mom will do the test and get the job she wants.

They will suffer if I kill myself anytime, but if I do it then and not exactly now, they will be not so vulnerable.

I don't know exactly what I am going to do. I guess I am going to wait a little bit, help my mom and dad, create some new memories, and when things get steady, I will do it.
Or maybe I will do it tomorrow, we never know.

It's a comic life we live in.

 

[Wasted Potential]

That's exactly how I feel.
I just don't know if I can hold on any longer.

Also, sorry for your situation.
Life is unfair.

I also told my mom about my suicidal ideation. She has always known, but this time I said I was going for it. Firstly, she cried a lot and said she couldn't live without me. With time, explaining things to her, she told me she would understand. That she would never leave me alone. She would be with me until the end.
The thing is the circumstances that we are in right now.
She is extra vulnerable because of my brother and the test she is studying for.
I would do it if things were a little bit better, and I know she would suffer but would survive, but if I do it now, her life is going to get messy. My brother would probably have to come home for my funeral, she would stop studying… many things could happen.

I would leave a letter, but it's more about the circumstances surrounding my family nowadays that worries me. Leaving a letter wouldn't make much difference tbh because I am really open about mu feeling with my family.

It's not really about how long these things have been happening. It's more about this exact moment that we are living.
It's the first time my brother is in rehab.
The only opportunity my mom has to get this job (she is 59yo and her life was very difficult).
I feel like the circumstances right now are not the best for me to kill myself because it would make more damage than it normally would.
For example, if I killed myself today, my brother would get out of rehab to come home. He would obviously start using again.
My mom would grieve for a long time and she wouldn't be able to study for the test.

My family is absolutely not the reason I am suicidal. My family is the reason I have tried to get better for 12 years. I wish you guys could understand portuguese because then I would write how they are with my own words and you would understand.

I have no way to get another place right now.

I know things rarely change, but there will come a time my brother will be getting better at rehab; my dad will organize his life (because that's what he is trying to do right now); my mom will do the test and get the job she wants.

They will suffer if I kill myself anytime, but if I do it then and not exactly now, they will be not so vulnerable.

I don't know exactly what I am going to do. I guess I am going to wait a little bit, help my mom and dad, create some new memories, and when things get steady, I will do it.
Or maybe I will do it tomorrow, we never know.

It's a comic life we live in.

I understand the tough spot you're in. If you're not in complete agony maybe holding off is not a bad idea? I just want to say I'm sorry you feel this way. Shit sucks yo.

 

[stermc]

I understand the tough spot you're in. If you're not in complete agony maybe holding off is not a bad idea? I just want to say I'm sorry you feel this way. Shit sucks yo.

Thank you for replying and validating my feelings!
I am definitely trying to wait a little bit and ctb when things get a little better, but I won't lie… it's been difficult. Knowing that I have the method I chose in my hands, a way to free myself from this existence, and having to not do it…
Well. One day at a time!

 

[AreWeWinning]

It's not really about how long these things have been happening. It's more about this exact moment that we are living.
It's the first time my brother is in rehab.
The only opportunity my mom has to get this job (she is 59yo and her life was very difficult).
I feel like the circumstances right now are not the best for me to kill myself because it would make more damage than it normally would.
For example, if I killed myself today, my brother would get out of rehab to come home. He would obviously start using again.
My mom would grieve for a long time and she wouldn't be able to study for the test.

My family is absolutely not the reason I am suicidal. My family is the reason I have tried to get better for 12 years. I wish you guys could understand portuguese because then I would write how they are with my own words and you would understand.

I have no way to get another place right now.

I know things rarely change, but there will come a time my brother will be getting better at rehab; my dad will organize his life (because that's what he is trying to do right now); my mom will do the test and get the job she wants.

They will suffer if I kill myself anytime, but if I do it then and not exactly now, they will be not so vulnerable.

I don't know exactly what I am going to do. I guess I am going to wait a little bit, help my mom and dad, create some new memories, and when things get steady, I will do it.
Or maybe I will do it tomorrow, we never know.

It's a comic life we live in.

I understand you, don't need to write in Portuguese :)

Seems like you know what you want, so that is probably what you should do. Wait until your mother gets that job and your brother gets out of rehab. If it becomes unbearable, and you can't wait, then that's the way it is. But trying to wait seems like a good idea!

The contrarian view is that our loved ones' lives don't matter the same way as our own lives don't matter. There are too many people, the universe is too big etc., and no-one's lives and nothing really matters in the end. Sometimes I think like this. But then my feelings tell me otherwise. It's probably 'reasonable' to be considerate towards others…

 

[stermc]

I understand you, don't need to write in Portuguese :)

Seems like you know what you want, so that is probably what you should do. Wait until your mother gets that job and your brother gets out of rehab. If it becomes unbearable, and you can't wait, then that's the way it is. But trying to wait seems like a good idea!

The contrarian view is that our loved ones' lives don't matter the same way as our own lives don't matter. There are too many people, the universe is too big etc., and no-one's lives and nothing really matters in the end. Sometimes I think like this. But then my feelings tell me otherwise. It's probably 'reasonable' to be considerate towards others…

I really appreciate you saying that.