Naysha
Antinatalist+Goth
- Jan 13, 2020
- 48
So I am newbie around here. Always was checking up on this forum from time to time and finally I guess I decided to join. It's mostly because I feel like I am cornered, fundamentally broken. I had mental health issues ever since I was kid, i got concussion one day and started to be extremely prone to depression and then anxiety, panic attacks and bpd happened. What's worse though is that it's not really concussion that caused all this. It was bullying in school and abuse from my family and pseudo-friends i used to hang around with and it was also a reason I suffered with selective mutism for a long time. It got to a point that I never had job because I couldn't talk or even leave my house without having massive anxiety. But in the end all this s**t happens because I exist. If I didn't exist none of this would be a problem. I wouldn't be this weird gender shapeshifter (i do not mean it as an insult it's just how i feel and I hate that people around me just call me special snowflake or how scientifically this is nonsense or just that i am being silly or making fun of transgenders because I don't want to go through surgery and on that is why I say I am shapeshifter. If I could comfortably change into whoever without it causing me anxiety I would). So I am exhausted, stuck in female body or human body, strain on my bf, family and afraid of pretty much everything. Whole existence to me seems like such an unecessary suffering and I feel cornered. I contemplate suicide seriously almost daily, I hurt myself and yet at the same time I dread being dead and dying, if I could i either wouldn't be born at all or immortal. None of which is possible. But I am fairly sure I won't live to old age and I don't even want to. Well I guess this is just gonna be my life, nothing brings me happiness or distraction anymore and it's endless cycle of dread and self hurt. Sorry for the long ramble I had to get it out after particulary bad week and tomorrow having to sit through hearing regarding disability benefits.
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